How to apply tools to children - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

How to apply tools to children

Ms co-dependent · Senior Member

Hello I been really working hard on my changing my little ways . One is QTIP and not assuming and not jumping ahead of myself . I don't think I need to know what's gonna happen tomorrow . Why ? That would only give me enough time to find fault with something that might not happen and why lose sleep over it. I been to meetings not lots of them but my fair share of them and most of my support has come from my books and this web sight. Now I know I have no business with the DRINKS program which I never really wanted to engage in anyways . NOW the focus is on getting me better and happy and healthy to live my life the way it should be. BUT problem number 3 the children. I see there actions due to this twisted disease and they are acting like ME and my A fights . My children are in kaos I believe we might be starting a new alateen in New Hampshire . Trying to apply the alalon way by myself is very hard when you have to kids that want to fight with each other from time they wake up till bedtime . And all I see and here are finger pointing and it's your fault not mine. This reminds me of me and the A passing the blame on each other on who right and wrong . I try to take each of the children a side and explain to them stop judging each other and pointing the finger you don't need to win the fight because there is no prize there is no trophy all your gonna get is a head ake . When this starts I sit back a bit and listen to see if I can even find out what the fights about . Then it's usually he looking at me ! So I said to my child why does it bother you so much that he looking at you. And she say I don't know . I ask my son why are you looking at her he says I don't know . Then I said then we have no reason to be fighting over something we don't know. We know we don't like it so you have control over that by walking away from it , not engage in it . Write down what started this problem and next to it how we could of advoided it and what would we do different . And then the answer was to walk away . That was a small example compare to the bigger ones we have here. The whole family been in councling since my A got sober that I did make sure of . BUT I'm still alone here , still trying to help my children see the problem them self and not fix it for them because I didn't start it or join in on it and didn't finish it. I don't have all the answers the word ALAON is a toxic word in my house . It's a powerful tool it has the purpose to be able to get rid of some of the problems as you all know I'm a HUGE fan of my fellowship I take pride in my writes to chose . I need help with dealing with the children there behavior does have a lot to do with the DRINK being gone . They are getting the last dose of this disease and I can see how bad it is now that my children are display what I did with my A and not realizing it . Role play I must say. I am the co dependent and I am the co pilot on auto pilot now . And I'm the CO parent since my A wants out of this all because he might cause him to be unselfish and we can't have that. So please I need some tool to use with my children till I can get them in alateen and what do they learn in there? Some say it's just a babysitter while parents are in there meetings . All I know is now I don't have the focus on me now , I have to step back and put the focus on them right now

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

We lead by example, and for children they learn by watching the adults in their lives. If they see adults behaving like adults, they'll try to mimic that behavior in their own way. If they see adults behaving poorly, fighting and arguing all the time, then that's what they'll see as acceptable and they'll mimic that behavior instead.

When my step daughter came to live with my exA and I, I grew up tremendously myself just because I wanted to demonstrate responsible adult behavior to her. I put a halt to a lot of my own tantrums and bad behaviors - or if I did behave badly, I owned up to it the moment I came to recognize it and I made sure she saw me own up to it, as well.

You're not going to be perfect - ever - but one of the best things you can do is exhibit the behavior you would like your children to exhibit.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

As an Alateen sponsor for many yrs I disagree with it just being a baby sitting service . Alateen has its own literature written by teens for teens . Alateen reassures them this is not their problem encourages respect for the alcoholic and they learn about the disease . The focus is on them * teens* how to not take it personally , how to become a better student etc . The teens have a daily reader called the ADAT ( a day at a time ) it is red in color , for quick solutions I often refer to the Alateen literature myself . I posted the addy to the on line Alateen chat room at the top of the board . it is safe and sponsors are Al-Anon members . This room is only open during meeting times , they will need your help to get registered . Louise

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.