Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

joker · Senior Member

Telling people what to do

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

I am the same way......... learned not to with A LOT of work................ but I still fall into trying to help all. You come first, what good are you / we to others if we are not stable and solid. That is what I tell myself. Hang in there

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

And, it is a curse and a blessing all at once. We are good people, we are here for a reason.... just need to learn your balance :) And you willl

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to the club, joker. It's taken me awhile to figure out that my answers for another person and their life may be their undoing. I am a helper at core, but helping sometimes is just being there - without the answers. It takes practice but we get there one day at a time. I've gotten better at minding my own business but I'm not there 100% yet. (((J)))

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes I do believe that i can identify. In my family it was always my job to fix eveything and make others happy . Before alanon I did this because I felt" their pain" and in order to feel better I had to fix them.

Alanon gave me new tools to identify with others, have empathy and to undersand that i did not have to fix them. I could offer understanding and support without feeling their pain and having to fix them.

What a gift, I now truly understand the meaning of compassion

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Were just all caretakers, we just have to learn to take care of ourselves first.

Nothing wrong with caring... We just need to have some boundaries thats all.

Hugs, Bettina

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, I catch myself often giving advice or suggestions when none was asked for. It is so hard-wired into me, it's a tough habit to break.

I even need to watch it if I'm trying to say encouraging words to someone because I realize on the receiving end it can come across condescending.

It's real difficult for me to sit there and hear someone pour out their issues and just not really say anything or to only say something like "I'm sorry to hear that."

The best response I've found at times is to ask them "Is there anything I can do to help?" and leave it at that. This way I take care of that urge i have to problem-solve but give them the choice as to whether they want my help or not instead of my just barging in.

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

You're not alone. A while ago, I posted a story of how I helped a baby bird. This was when it occurred to me that I was not the happy little fixer that I thought I was. I found a baby bird out back under a tree. Up in the tree was a nest; it looked like it had fallen out of a nest and needed help. I ran inside and put on gloves and tenderly picked up the bird and climbed the tree to place it back in the nest with the other chirping babies. When I reached the nest, I noticed that the nest was full; no room for the baby that was still in my hand. I saw the mother bird watching from the next tree and knew I was in trouble. So, in my haste, I put the bird on top of the others ... and, as I did so, it struck me odd that my baby was much bigger than the others...well, the damage was done and now I didn't know how to fix this too. I am so ashamed- I left the baby there realizing that he was in the wrong nest.

In support

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Dear Bud)))

What a sweet caring share Thank you for you generous heart smile

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

My sponsor saw this very same trait in me, and told me that I was, in fact, focussing on other people's problems, so that I wouldn't need to focus on mine, and what I needed to do. The truth is - he was 100% right. The second truth is - I am still guilty of doing this, although it IS something I am aware of, and trying to improve.

Take care

Tom

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Since when did they ask for my help? Its like the moment I hear of someone's stuggle, i feel this terrible urge to help them resolve their problem. I believe this is about control. Any feedback would be good. I have done this all my lfi and I am tired of trying to save everyone around me...

**********************

I used to do this real bad, but i just chant "keep the focus on me" and add to that keep the focus on MY problems and MY life and I don't have time to control others

if one ASKS me??? ok.....if not??? i just listen if they are telling me something......I guess i just got tired of being worn out......i will *assist* one who is trying to help themselves and need a little boost but A--they gotta ask b---it has to be helping them help themselves...not enabling

program really helped me on this

karma13 · Senior Member

I think this is part of our end of the disease, we focus in others problems so we don't have to look at ourselves. I learned to do this when I was very little, and with awareness I realized everyone in my family does it. What helps me is the program, making lists everyday, split in half my business/ others business, being aware and in the present moment,not offering advice unless it's asked for, acting as if I'm healthy, and if I have a slip I don't beat myself up. I get up dust myself off n carry on.I'm not perfect, but I'm better ;)These are life long habits, deeply conditioned into us. I try to be gentle with myself.

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

This is also something I struggle with daily, and recently alienated an alcoholic family member by trying to 'help'. So that is a huge lesson for me, and yet, in almost every conversation I find myself doing the same thing all over again.

What confuses me though is that in the societies I grew up, 'helpful' people were celebrated and revered. And when it comes to the business world, if you look at those dreaded job ads, they so often say things like "A Can-Do Attitude", "Be a Team Player", etc. In the business world, if you ever say "That's not my job" you get an icy glare at best. We are all supposed to jump to it like good little servants. The ones who jump to it like good little servants often get the praise and reward. The ones who get on with their own jobs/business often are criticized for not jumping to help.

Even though I can objectively see the difference between the workplace culture and personal relationships, I feel like it's still encouraged by the rest of society to 'be helpful'. Other non-recovery forums online are full of "You should do this..." and "If you did that, you wouldn't have this problem", and "Gah, why are people so STUPID, if they only did xyz..." etc.

Volunteering for charity events also confuses me. Do I do JUST what the organizers want, or more? If I have shut down the helping/meddling part of myself, I won't be thinking creatively, or magically fill-in where something may be sorely lacking.

Feels to me like I'm not only battling my own tendency to rescue, but that it's still very much ok to meddle according to most of the rest of society, so I'm dealing with a double-whammy there.

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

I can so relate and after working my al-anon recovery for awhile I realized, if I was so darn smart why did I end up in such a mess living in crazy town to begin with. It was humbling and I decided to stop minding everyone elses business even if they asked and let them figure it out, since they would be better at handling their own life, just like I learned to handle my own. Sending you all love and support!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"