Hurt - Al-Anon Family Group

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Hurt

mongowal · Veteran Member

I've posted before that my AH left 3 weeks ago because he said he realized he was severely depressed and couldn't stand to hurt me anymore. He has little contact with me except with a few text messages that have to with cars and when my daughter needs to be picked up. At first he avoided coming to the house when I was there but in the last week he has shown up unexpectedly when I'm there. Throwing me for a loop a little bit. We even had a nice conversation that last time where he said that he still needs to go to counseling when he can find time (an excuse as the week before it was I will go when I move to a permanent place). Anyways, I was doing pretty good. I would have my good moments and my bad ones. Here I'm thinking things are going good. As long as I don't think about him, I don't think about what he is doing or what bar is he is at. I get on facebook this morning and there it is, a slap to the face. My AH in a video dancing at a bar looking happy as hell, without a care in the world. Hard to believe he is severely depressed for as happy as he looked in this video. My AH absolutely hates any social media or him being on any photos posted much less a video. Here comes the downward spiral. I immediately call him and say "So been to Haps lately", which he replies yeah last night with went out with the guys for a couple. My reply well that is all good as there is a video of you dancing and you look extremely happy. He tells me he will call me back in a minute. He calls me back and says he just called his friends and told them to take down the video as he assumed it was them, it wasn't them. I tell him it is someone else that posted the video and then he of course starts to go in his normal blame me. AH: "Haven't you gone out" Me: "No, I have gone to dinner with a couple friends, but no I have not been going out" complete silence on his part. Then he tells me how he has been cooped up for three weeks and he needed to get out (normal excuse right). Which I reply "You left, you made the decision to leave this family. You walked out. You being cooped up is your own doing". Which he doesn't have anything to say to either. I am so hurt to see he is out having this great time when he looks at me he is sad or when he talks to me he is sad, I would be so much better off if I hadn't seen the video. You know that out of sight out of mind. Here I am hurt and very very angry. All I can think about is all the things I could do to get back at him, but deep down I know he doesn't care, he has not feelings towards anyone. I'm worried that my daughter is going to see the video and realize that dad ignored her texts last night because he had to get his drink on. I have once again lost my peace and serenity. I feel like I was just punched in the gut and I can't stop crying.

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Dear mogowal

Looks can be very deceiving. Watch the video again only this time take us with you. You are not seeing your loved one. You are seeing the raging alcoholic coming out to party. You are seeing the disease completely controlling a very ill man. The man you love is depressed. That's the side effects of alcoholism. The alcoholism rears its ugly head when they are at their weakest. Detach with love. Be kind to yourself. You are so worth the love you desire. He can not give it to you. He has to learn to love himself. He is not loving himself in that video but boy oh boy that alcohol is dancing in victory. Stand aside, feel your anger then let it pass and send it up to your HP.

With much love and support
M

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Mongowal)))

Remember that this is a very powerful, cunning, and baffling disease. Know that there is a lot more going on than what appears on the surface- denial, self- deception, destruction, etc. He may be trying to achieve happiness or shake off troubles, shame, and guilt...or doing what he thinks will make things normal or ok... but without abstinence, the disease progresses towards insanity and death. His appearance and comments are from that same package and become part of the crazy-making.

It hurts.

Easier said than done, but don't take it personally. It is not about you. You can't control anyone but you. Let it go. Give it to HP.

Focus on what would bring you serenity today. Something small can make a huge difference- a walk, a cup of tea with a book, etc. Be good to you.

In support.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Are you going to al anon meetings? If you have already posted that you are, I am sorry I missed it. You will find peace and serenity through your recovery and it will become easier to keep the focus on you and less on him. He has his HP to love him and guide him, if he chooses. (((hugs)))

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Mongowal,

Stay in your own recovery. The A is out of the house, rejoice...

Its time for self reflecting, Alanon tools, and getting your A husband off your FB!!!

Hugs, Bettina

mongowal · Veteran Member

Mari, thank you. I know I'm thinking irrationally and all that crazy is coming back. I know better than this and I know better than to react to this situation. I know he has no control, no feelings no nothing right now. I was so surprised to see the video knowing he hates social media. I keep telling myself that he is truly depressed and putting on a happy face for everyone else. In essence I put myself here as I made the choice to watch the video. I do need to take care of myself and realize once again this is a disease that he has no control over much less me.

PP - I do go to f2f meeting twice a week and they always make me feel so much better. I could really use one today, but his mother goes to the meetings as well and would prefer that I not go to the same ones as her and I would prefer that as well. So going to a meeting today is not going to happen. I'm gong to try and swing the lunch meeting tomorrow as I always feel a sense of peace and calm when I am there.

I have a lot to do for my mental health today and know that I will see him at my daughters game today. All I really want to do is run and hide and avoid him at all costs. But I know he will come stand by me as usual and act as if nothing is wrong. Please God give me strength to get through that hour and a half and I will most definitely need it to not have a break down. I know my HP did this for a reason and I need to accept that and move forward. Truly this is his business and I need to do me and what is good for me (I keep telling myself that anyways LOL).

Thank you all for your support!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

We get hooked in the crazy sometimes....good that you know what you need to do for you, and, yep, cut out all the contacts that you can so there are no temptations for you to get hooked! ((hugs))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

One of the things we learn in Al-Anon is to look for what is common to us or unites us. The good that I see in your sharing is that you and your husband are both at your daughter's game - united in support of her. Alcoholism is crazy-making. I guess we need to sometimes look at what doesn't drive us crazy to stay sane? He may not live with you now, but that physical separation hasn't undone something basic for your daughter - support of both her parents in the best way they know how - in spite of the disease. I know its painful. I've been there. I also know that my kids would have loved to have their Dad at their games watching them - just as he was - when they were younger. (((M)))

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

When in my active addiction, I could be singing karaoke one minute and then crying, threatening to kill myself, ranting the next. Try not to make sense out of a drunk's frantic effort to act or appear ok.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

oh honey he is not happy! You see the real him! I see this all the time, they are drunk or whatever, being stimulated by the others who are just like him. you see the man who hates how he is, what is easiest for him to be. this is what makes people leave a very good spouse to go to another A or a low life. They do not have to hide anything as they do not care.

He can let himself act out and has no one he cares about seeing him or not. But look at how he reacted to being seen by you! He now has to feel guilty for being himself when he is using.

A's have more guilt than we ever will.i invite you to feel compassion and sorry for him. the disease makes them act a fool.

I hate to think of you crying over this! Of course it hurts. But it is only the disease, it is not him! lotsa hugz, debilyn

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

Yup when mine is at his lowest he'll get super-drunk, go out, dance and flirt and look like the happiest man alive, and then spend 3-4 days in such a deep depression that he can't even lift his head. I think because when they were younger, getting drunk and partying was an "achievement" or something to be proud of, but it doesn't work as a grown-up...much like a lot of the stuff we try to do to make ourselves feel better.
Big hugs.

mongowal · Veteran Member

I keep reading all of your posts over and over and I cannot Thank You all enough, as your words have truly helped me replace my anger and resentment with serenity. The fact is, I can see the pain in his face. My mom saw him for the first time since he left and her description of him was "His face looked all twisted and red and he looked like he aged 10 years" I hadn't even noticed the physical effects until she said something. She is spot on, when I look him in the eye (which doesn't happen often and I try to avoid looking at him), he looks so sad and she is right, his face has aged to a person I don't recognize. It is truly sad for him and I need to have compassion for him as he has to be struggling far worse than I ever will. I know I will be okay, I know I can be alone and be fine with it. I know I have my HP who is looking out for me and that is an amazing feeling. I feel so much better today and I can say it has been with all of your help and the with the help of my HP. Your honesty and words of wisdom are a God send - THANK YOU!

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

Something I love is called the "Letter from the Alcoholic".

Glad you're feeling better.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.