I am sorry you have to go through this but you are not alone (as you can see) and I completely understand. I know meetings are not enough for mine hence therapy and material. BUT, the only thing mine does is go to therapy (couples) and reads his anger management and other books and all material.. minus meetings (once in a while goes).. and funny, I never see AA material around? Hmmmmmmmmmmm. He hates that I printed my 12 step and traditions I told him too bad, if he doesnt like it, dont look at it!!

One thing I have learned they cant just go to a meeting and say hey look what I did, I went to a meeting. If they do not work the program too they will remain if you choose to stay, hang on to the good days (sounds like you have some) and shake your head at the other behavior and go on your merry way. For now I am fortunate enough when he sees me react (detach, ignore or whatever I choose to do) he snaps out of it FAST! This might get better or worse, I dont know but I am pretty strict with certain things and I believe he doesnt want to lose me so he at the very least, recognizes and trys. Do I want to slap him and say if you really want this to work, do your part and avoid all this crap in the first place.. yes but I never put him down for the effort he does and when he wants to talk about something he learned I make sure I listen and say hey, great even though I am mad he isnt addressing the addiction only the behavior.. Make sense when I say that? Our Therapist told me part of the dry drunk IS learning how to handle themselves, control moods etc, so, he is doing half of what he needs. But again, if he would only concentrate on his addiction and put effort into that the rest (dry drunk behavior) wouldnt be here and it would fall into place more with less effort. But right now he chooses the stressful hard road. So be it! I like to think HP is making him do it this way for reason he had a hard- hard not good childhood and holds onto a lot of bitterness and anger from past, so maybe HP is making him learn something other than how to be sober who knows. Time will tell.

This works for us and worked for a few couples (friends) I have shared with.. Once a week I tell him 2 or 3 things I am either happy about or proud of or just something that made me feel good with him and I. Doesnt matter how small or silly it is. When I do this I see so much more pride in him and effort from him, and I mean what I say I dont make things up. I keep track of things as they pop in head and make sure I leave him his weekly note in lunch box, email, text or whatever I feel like doing. I spice it up LOL I learned this years ago in therapy when I was going thru a hard times, I decided to try it on him and it helps.

Positive words are very powerful we ALL tend to dwell and talk about negative things (very natural) and we forget to give that pat on the back or remind someone of the good or the good feeling they gave you.

-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Thursday 17th of October 2013 10:49:58 AM

I read your post and then read this reading I receive everyday:) thought I would share: Today's thought from Hazelden is:

Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgment of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it.
--Kathleen Casey Theisen

Recovery offers us courage to make choices about the events of our lives. Passive compliance with whatever is occurring need no longer dominate our pattern of behavior. Powerlessly watching our lives go by was common for many of us, and our feelings of powerlessness escalated the more idle we were.

Today, action is called for -- thoughtful action in response to the situations begging for our attention. Recovery's greatest gift is the courage to take action, to make decisions that will benefit us as well as the people who are close to us. Courage is the byproduct of our spiritual progress, courage to accept what we cannot change, believing that all will be well, courage to change in ourselves what we do have control over.

An exhilaration about life accompanies the taking of action. The spell that idleness casts over us is broken, and subsequent actions are even easier to take. Clearly, making a choice and acting on it is healthful. The program has given us the tools to do both.

Decisions will be called for today. I will be patient with myself, and thoughtful. I will listen closely to the guidance that comes from those around me.

Thank you for the wonderful posts. I am dealing with a dry drunk of 28 years and it is so hard. AH
Has been going to AA For 2 years but i fear it will take him years to face his reality and or demons.
I attend alanon, my AH and i don't really talk anymore, too much hurt and pain has been done in
The last two years in his recovery. No apologies or remorse for the his very bad behavior. I pretty
Much stay on my side of the street but it very lonely and hurtfull place to be. I know i need to work
The steps and get a sponsor and try to make myself happy but i really don't know if i can living
With him. The sometimes emotional abuse, the snarky comments, a little put down here and there.
Other times perfectly normal friendly happy not withdrawn. It is very hard to live with i am always
Off balance. My therapists have helped loads with these issues but it still is very heartbreaking.

It was the good times that kept me locked into the madness to be honest. Years of waiting for little bits of happiness. It is part of the madness. Well it was for me. You sound different from how I felt. After many years of living with an alcoholic I no longer saw him as my best friend, I viewed him as my worst enemy. No-one has ever hurt me as much as this person has so you seem to be in a different place from where I was which has got to be a good thing. You clearly love your husband and you still have a relationship of some sorts with loving feelings. 

I never felt like that. I was always scheming about leaving him, I had a new plan every month. When my friends spoke of their love for their husbands or partners I could never relate. I felt different, I wanted out for years. I knew I was not in a healthy relationship but I couldn't leave, I was addicted to him and the chaos. Alanon is helping me with this because I am looking at these aspects of me and at this point Im quite angry that I stayed for as long as I did, angry with him and me but I am working on forgiveness and empathy. Im trying to fake it until I make it if you know what I mean. 

Loving an alcoholic is not really something I relate too because I cant really say I loved him, I was obsessed, I disliked him in so many ways, I was connected to him in some crazy way but none of it was love. Thanks for sharing.x

Denial lifts for me when I can be with warm, supportive people who share their experience/strength/hope. Acceptance for me comes when I know I'm not alone and everything isn't up to just me. Thanks for the post, I. Helps me a lot of ways. (((I)))