Need Your Help! - Al-Anon Family Group

thistooshallpass · Newbie

Need Your Help!

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Anyone who has ever lived with any infidelity knows the unique pain you are experiencing. All of us who have lived or loved As know the chaos and anxiety you are feeling. You are not alone. Good to come here and feel the support, it is so so helpful. Get to a face to face meeting, read the literature, meditate on slogans. Do you have an alanon sponsor you can call?

Detaching is very difficult - it does not always happen with love at the start! Keep coming back. Put the focus on yourself best you can.

Strength and prayers for you..

yanksfan

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes, we have to hurt through a betrayal one day at a time. What comes to my mind is this: He isn't worthy of you. Oftentimes, women tend to blame themselves for their spouse's betrayal or infidelity. That makes it harder to let go of the pain. Just like alcoholism - the 3 Cs can be applied to infidelity, too. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. You can't cure it. What you can do is continue with Al-anon, detach with love for yourself, take care of yourself by giving yourself little treats every day and affirming yourself continually until the truth of your self-validation goes from your head into your heart. I'm not one who can allow for infidelity. There's just no reason I can think of that okays that in relationship to me.
I don't have to detach in love for someone who gave absolutely no thought to me or how his infidelity would affect me. I can forgive it. I can release myself from judgment and condemnation of the spouse, but I cannot justify, argue, defend or explain the action of infidelity to myself. I have to admit that is a limit of mine. Sounds like it is a limit of yours, too? Keep coming back. Keep going to Al-Anon. Keep treating yourself with respect and care.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

This loss is incredibly painful. Please know he is not with her becuz he loves her. He was on his way to relapse, did not want to go down alone. These women are just someone to be around that they do not have to feel guilty around, clean up, or be the man they have to work hard to be.

He cheated on himself more than you.

I am so so sad this happened. The truth is, you just have to choose to live and take each moment as it comes. Take care of all your basic needs. You are protecting you that is good.

Myself I was sick for months. I felt myself go thru stages of shock, pain, insanity. Got very very angry and down then realized there was nowhere to go but up. Little by little I felt better. For me hard work helps me heal, falling in bed exausted. I kept food already cooked around just reheating. drank lots of water, probably ate too much sugar.

eating can be theraputic,just for me I stick to no wheat, make low cal stuff. but mostly did not feel like eating. cried so much. Journaled like crazy.

It takes the time it does, and you will suffer. But you will come out ahead and a better person, richer, wiser.

Keep venting here. These people have helped me thru two horrible losses, the support here is invaluable! sending you love! Debilyn

Aloha · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm sorry you've had to experience this. Infidelity in a relationship was particularly painful for me, as well.

The best answer I can give is that "this, too, shall pass." Meaning, I only found the hurt, anger, sadness, confusion and obsession only went away for me after time. This process sped up for me after I divorced my A and it became an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of thing for me.

What helped me during my healing period was continually getting to Al-Anon meetings and getting out and doing things for me that brought me happiness. The more I focused on taking care of myself, the less I thought about the A. I barely ever think of him now and really, quite frankly, could care less what he's up to. The few times I've seen him in person or talked with him over the phone have only been opportunities for clear confirmation that I was right in listening to the suggestion in my groups that "if nothing changes, then nothing changes." And he has not changed a bit. And it makes me SO glad that I'm not with him any longer because living with him as he was was painful for me.

Give yourself permission to feel what you want to feel. If you're fed up with the feelings, give yourself a timer and come up with a game plan. Allow yourself 15 minutes, an hour... whatever sounds right to rant or stew in the feelings and when that timer goes off, go do something that will take your mind off of things.

Keep talking with your sponsor, too, if you have one. And if you don't, you might want to consider if it might be beneficial to get one.

In support.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

You have had some beautiful responses...I just want to give you one big giant virtual hug so you can cry for as long as you need to cry. (((hug))) Keep coming back here.

mongowal · Veteran Member

I have been where you are at and I truly feel for you. The pain of losing someone you love along with the betrayal is overwhelming. I wasn't in the program yet when it happened to me. I made just about every mistake any one person could make and it made me absolutely crazy. I took the blame when rationally I knew it was not me. It was his choice and his alone as in the case of your A. I wish there was a quick fix for the pain and anger, but believe me when I say it will lessen with time. Stay with the program and take care of yourself. The readings and f2f meetings always seem to help put me back in a good peaceful place. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son. You have a lot of support here.

John · ~*Service Worker*~

I went through the same thing with my ex. I know how bad it hurts. But hang in there, and keep moving forward. Deliberately take breaths.. inhale, exhale.

Keep in mind the relapse didn't start when he took a drink, thats where the relapse took him to... the drink.

I ditto what Debilyn said, he cheated on himself more than you, probably before you. And yes, alcoholics don't like to go down alone, so now he has someone to go down with him... stay back, a sinking ship, sucks anyone in the water around it under.

I send you a huge hug, and promise... go through what you must, the pain, the anger, the tears, the moments of relief, whatever song and dance you must do to get to the other side of this, and you will be the strongest woman you know one day.

John

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I relate alot and remember one of the things I learned to do was make gratitude list so that I could recognize the good stuff that was also coming my way. I had to want to do that which was hard because I was soooo deep into the "poor me's". I use to schedule my rants also and I use to throw "planned" tantrums. Plan it...do it...stop and do something positive. That sounds crazy and then what the hell is this disease all about anyway. Infidelity use to scream at me that I wasn't worthy while at the same time the person who was the infidel wasn't worth of my love and the merry-go-round music seemed to be playing "damned if you do, damned if you don't" until I just got off of it and started doing my own self affirmations to "save my own hiney". Never let a practicing alcoholic tell you who or what you are cause their information comes from self hate.

You're gonna get thru this cause that is what we do as a result of doing the work on it. We work the program to get peace of mind and serenity and nothing else. That is what we get. Keep coming back and let us know your progress. (((((hugs))))) smile

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry that you have this experience in your life and like everyone else before I can only say that when you start giving yourself treats and filling your days with things that you like to do the pain does get less.

It is natural to feel at a loss, and to feel stressed and angry and lots of other ghastly things. I found that I needed to grieve and then I started to get bored of feeling negative emotions and that is when I started to take better care of myself. But I know that anger does not help me so I try to set it down as best I can and I find that the best way that I have of doing this is to be generous to myself. I try to treat myself as though I was my best friend - take myself out to visit nice people, take in shows, sit in galleries, basically building up a new set of memories and use this time to reconnect with my own needs.

AH became less important to me when I just looked at the simple facts and I realised that his behaviour had nothing to do with me. Like Jerry I used to schedule times when I would say, 'ok, you can feel sorry for yourself for the next hour' and I would also schedule times when I would give myself small treats. It was a time when I would lean on my friends as well. I resented the fact that I had to behave in this way but I could not change what had happened, just my reaction to it - and I decided that, like you, this was going to be my time to do whatever I felt made me feel good about myself.

You will get through it and things will get better - why? Because you are worth it and when I started to open up to what the world has to offer me then I found that I started to feel incredibly lucky and blessed. Take care and I hope you feel proud of you - I think that you are handling ghastly happenings v well indeed

Tracy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi,

sending you a big hug!!!

alcoholism tears families apart. Once the A stops this is not the end. Mt partner has been sober for over 12 months this time and in AA for 4 years. They are sick very very sick. Part of this is low self esteem alcohol make them feel better.

Once they stop it should be meeting, their hp working the programme. You husband is still sick and looking outside himself to feel better IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

My partner was unfaithful in the drinking days it was one of the most painful things I have experienced. I decided to forgive because he was getting help and because he was drunk at the time.

Since then and since doing the steps and my own recovery work I have set a boundary to protect myself (today I am the most important person in my life), if he is ever unfaithful again it is over I deserve more.

Programme wise all I can suggest is connect to your HP as much as posiible he loves you so much you can trust him, her or it more than any human.

I hope you have lots of al anon friends and a good sponsor you can talk to.

Meeting, meeting and more meetings get lots of hugs.

your books and be of great comfort. When I had a stage away from my A I through myself into my recovery it was a blessing I can see today I needed that space to concentrate on Tracy and do my work. I found myself Hp had a lesson for me.

I was a specail loveable person no mtter what sick people were doing around me. It was my responsibility to love and take care of me ( first things first).

I can be grateful for that painful lesson now, because I have a better vrelationship with tracy and can trust myself again.

YOu are going to be fine al anon has your back

hugs tracy xxxxx

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Allow yourself the time to feel. The feelings will come and go. Work through the feelings. Anger, resentment and jealousy are normal feelings (not healthy ones you want to hang on to)and those feelings are very important to acknowledge and then release to your HP. The moment you think you need to go to a meeting. Go! If you have a sponsor, call. Vent on here whenever you need to. We are here.
Much love and support
Hugs
M

Milehi-tlc · Member

"Never let a practicing alcoholic tell you who or what you are cause their information comes from self hate."

So true Jerry!!!! This really resonates with me right now. So many of us here are living with the chaos of this disease including infidelities, betrayal and physical and emotional abuse. It's easy to get stuck in the "what did I do wrong" , "how could I have been better" and soon enough self esteem is out the window. My STBXAH blames me completely for the end of our 30 year marriage.
It couldn't be that he started drinking again after 20 years of being dry. Sarcasm

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I can only add one more painful memory to the list of all my fellow family that have been betrayed by an alcoholic.

Rather than go into the details, I can offer you hope. Like John's says, keep moving forward. It takes time to mend a broken heart.

But mend it will. For we are the best of the best , those who have learned our lessons well.

Keep working thru it all thru Alanon and your HP. You will heal and be the better for it.

Remember alcohol is their first betrayal and only lover.
Hugs, Bettina

-- Edited by Bettina on Thursday 17th of October 2013 05:01:18 PM

Katytexasmom · Veteran Member

"I was chasing the dream until I realized it was a nightmare....then I stopped!"

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

You got great responses from the very best here. Al-anon is where we find happiness and peace

Keep coming back because you are not alone....we are here to support you.

((( hugs )))

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.