The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was approached last night and asked to "lend" A money to cover insurances. I must be getting somewhat wiser and decided to call insurance company and separate my own car policy so that I don't have to be concerned about it being cancelled due to non payment. First, the amounts differed by $100...so he was looking for more beer money...I guess the more than $600/month is not enough anymore. Not my problem. Sticking to my side of the street. Thank you for that my friends here on MIP.
Good for you, I find it easier to never believe a word that comes out their mouth especially while actively drinking. They will tell you anything, act any way, conjure up any emotion, that will allow the disease to continue. Its just part of the disease. It gets complicated when we expect different and are then shocked when they lie or are deceitful!! I did this for 20yrs, like groundhog day, insanity!!!
Yes, this empowerment feels very healthy and very strong.
The lady I talked to didn't even have to ask too many questions. It was like she knew without me even explaining. Wink, wink to my HP for putting that particular person on the other end of the phone this morning. She was very helpful and informative. I thought they may hold me accountable for the entire policy. Not so. It was good I called when I did this would have been the second missed payment in 2 weeks. Apparently this one was the makeup one for the one missed 2 weeks ago. Nice. One more and it would have been cancelled. I only let him add me to his insurance 6 months ago...oops. Once again...wink, wink to my HP
Thanks all for your support
I was approached last night and asked to "lend" A money to cover insurances. I must be getting somewhat wiser and decided to call insurance company and separate my own car policy so that I don't have to be concerned about it being cancelled due to non payment. First, the amounts differed by $100...so he was looking for more beer money...I guess the more than $600/month is not enough anymore. Not my problem. Sticking to my side of the street. Thank you for that my friends here on MIP.
I'm adding this to my slogan list and yea, i tell everyone this is a "save your own butt program"......and yep, they will come up with dazzling ways to get beer/booze money...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I am silently standing by watching my A ridiculously trying to contact me in such a state of emergency that he is pleading and begging. OH, Alcoholism meet Al anon. LETS DANCE. or not and I peacefully carry on with my day. The insurance is MY Problem and he has too many bills to pay. He is going to show me tonight. WE are sitting down and going over HIS expenditures. I gracefully told him I have a meeting to go to tonight. His drinking is not the cause of his financial hardship. ok here is where I slap a big A on his forehead and walk away. I ponder the thought of sitting down and saying hand over everything and haul your ass down to detox and take some time to begin the road to recovery but it almost seems as if its an ultimatum that wont work. any thoughts?
oh dear....good thing I'm going to a meeting tonight. There's that if I maybe do this then.....oh no no no. Its time to move a little further away from the tornado.
Your vision seems really 20X20 Mari and you sound awake and alert. I will add some prayers so that your courage tank is filled up. Inventorying responsibilities especially financial responsibilities can get hairy. Good that you have your side of the street clean cause now you can tell if he is trying to leave any of his stuff there. You go girl!! I feel energized by your share. Mahalo (((((hugs)))))
Last night was a new experience for me. One of the crazy phone calls received from intoxicated A was that he was on his way to the bank and he was driving. I did not engage I simply hung up and dialed for police. Shaking and crying I reminded myself of all those out there who have lost loved ones to drunk driving. Just an FYI to spouses if you would like to call it in you can call anonymously. Wish I had known that before I had called.They explained that protocol required them to assess it as a domestic dispute.His vehicle is now under watch. I explained that he was an alcoholic and is getting progressively worse. My A has a domestic on his record from his ex wife who btw is a police officer. Children's aid has been also contacted and I will most likely get a phone call. I am okay with it. I'm not angry or upset. It is time to face the complete reality of the situation. It is completely out of my hands.
That sounds really tough.
Well done, for being so calm and doing what you felt was right.
It's sickening when they drive drunk; on one hand we can detach and say "they have to deal with their own consequences no matter how bad or even deadly they are" but on the other- the thought that an innocent person could be hurt or killed as a result...it's a real brain (and heart) breaker. I can't even count the number of times I have picked up the phone to call the police, and then set it back down again...too scared....
(((Mari)))
Melly, I could so feel that fear. In the back of my mind I kept repeating" its in Gods hands now" over and over again. I did not cause him to drink, I can not control it and I can not cure it. There are consequences and I must move aside and let go. He will never get better unless he suffers the consequences of his actions.
The meetings are very helpful. Sharing on MIP has been such a wonderful tool. I remind myself constantly we need to live by example. We will all stumble and fall but the most important thing you can do after that is get back on your horse and ride(my moms favourite saying). Again, progress not perfection.
I pray that no matter the outcome, whatever his will is, I will stand strong and keep on keeping on.
At one point in one of his rants he said " I was so much stronger than him, and that is why he loves me so much". The image of him drowning and clinging on to me to try and save him is so very heartbreaking. My arms are full with my young children and I need to stay safe. I will surely drown trying to save him. Please dear God help him find his way.
I heard something like that from my A recently "I could never live without you. I need you because you keep me in check".
Yep, when i was a little girl, I always dreamed that one day I'd be a crazy, mean alcoholic's "supervisor" and I bet you did too. Its just so romantic, isn't it?
Have you ever seen the Simpsons episode when Homer is trying to convince Marge to take him back and he says "But honey, I can offer you something that no other man can. Complete and utter dependence!"
lol.
More hugs. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job.
Mari: What you chose to do took courage, compassion and true love which to me is seeing the whole person as they are at the time and doing what you can to help them and help others. The outcome is always in God's hands and it is up to us to do the next right thing when it is clear that is what we are to do - whether it feels good to do it at the time or not. You can't save him. God can if he agrees to cooperate with God. Good for you. You're letting your understanding of God save you and protect your children.
One of my worst nightmares is the CAS getting involved. It is the very thought that the chain of events were triggered by no one but myself.
When I gave it over to God last night, I had no idea this was what was to come of it. When I said let his will be done. I never would have guessed I would be facing one of my most deepest fears. Now to face it. Why do I fear it so? Knowing I had no control over my step daughter being taken away from her own mother at the age of 2. I was the one they had called to come to the apartment and find mass chaos and this little girl running around with a diaper so full it was dragging on the ground. The apartment was disgustingly filthy and torn apart. They called the worker and I was allowed to take her temporarily home with me. When the worker assessed the situation she almost cried when telling me I couldn't keep her I had no immediate family connection to her because her Father was not present. She asked that I went with to place her in the home they had arranged. She could tell by the way she interacted with me that there was a very strong bond. It definitely felt like someone had stabbed me repeatedly in the heart. A stranger had more of a right to care for this child then I did. I had no right to visits or anything. I was determined and found a way to communicate regardless of any of the red tape. I managed to find ways to visit but each visit was more and more difficult. I will never forget the day the family let me watch her while they went out on a family outing. I was dancing around the living room with her snuggled into my arms and she just cried endlessly. I promised her that day I would never be far away and I would love her for the rest of my life. I would always be there as much as I possibly could. This is the very same step daughter who is 15 years old now. The very same one I will drive 8 hours in a weekend just to be there for her. Her story is still unfolding but she does not remember any of it. Her mother changed her ways and got her back after 18 months and they are doing well. Its time to cry. It will be alright. Without knowing, I put it in Gods hands back then. I need to do that now.
Good work
