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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> New Marriage, Dry Drunk, How Al-Anon Works
Post Info TOPIC: New Marriage, Dry Drunk, How Al-Anon Works
Iamgood


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New Marriage, Dry Drunk, How Al-Anon Works
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Hi everyone,

I really benefited from this chains of honest and supportive posts.

I got married 6 weeks ago to an alcoholic with 20+ years of solid AA recovery & sobriety. My husband is usually a wise, patient, supportive man.

For the past week, he has been irascible, tired, stressed, and seeing something negative in benign everyday comments.

Last night he told me he thought I was being ice cold and verbally abusive.

I considered it, and I don't see that I have been cold  and abusive. In fact, the idea is so odd to me.

It seems to me he is seeing in me what in fact is his behavior.

I have noticed myself sometimes trying to explain to him how his claims are not true.

So, for me, it is back to Step One and "How Al-Anon Works". And program calls.

How Al-Anon Works, p. 29, The Part We Play: "This pattern persists in sobriety. Many of us have seen our sober loved ones go through "dry drunks," periods during which the alcoholic's behavior in sobriety seems identical to the active drinking days. Naturally, most of us fall right back into our old behavior as well."  

How Al-Anon Works, p. 28, The Part We Play: "It becomes essential to prove we are right." 

How Al-Anon Works, p. 30, Recognizing Our Options: "We are not trapped. We have choices." "We may take a moment to acknowledge to ourselves that the accusation is not true, and that it is the disease of alcoholism, and not our loved one that is speaking." 

How Al-Anon Works, p. 84, Detachment: "It is the disease rather than the individual that is responsible. By seeing the person as separate from the disease, by detaching, we can stop being hurt by groundless insults or angered by outrageous lies."



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hotrod


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Dear Iamgood

Thank you for the positive informative references.  It is a great example of why we need alanon.   Your wisdom and serenity are powerful examples of" How Alanon Works".   This is indeed  a cunning, baffling disease. 

Appreciate your sharing the journey



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THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

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Iwantthingsback


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I feel for you, I live with a dry.... this is good stuff........ Where do you get this? How Alanon Works. I have not been able to attend a face to face, I am guessing I will have to pick a meeting beginner or not. But can I get a beginner pack somehow?

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PP


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That is an awesome book and you have demonstrated awesome recovery work. 



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Iamgood


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To "Iwantthingsback",

I love the book How Al-Anon Works. Straightforward, easy to read.

If you can not attend a face to face meeting (where you can get a newcomer pack for free and buy this book), then there are some other options:

- Buy the book from Al-Anon directly. http://www.al-anonestore.org/source/Orders/index.cfm?activesection=Orders

- Amazon.com. I bought my copy of How Al-Anon Works from Amazon. I bought a used copy, so it was very cheap.

- By the end of October 2013, "How Al-Anon Works" will also be available for electronic purchase (downloadable to computer) on Amazon. So coming soon.



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ilovedogs


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Iamgood, thanks for that information on the book being available for electronic purchase. I have the Big Book on my kindle account and read it as well as the Toby Rice Drews books. Also, thank you for posting the references above. I sometimes struggle with the 'I need to be right' thing, LOL!

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Iwantthingsback


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Thanks Iamgood :)

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stilllearning


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Thank you Iamgood for sharing your post and what your going through... it really hit home with me... sadly I feel feel I have become the guy you are talking about in your post. I have 23years sober..15years in al anon..
Been with my partner for 2years and dang it... if I am really honest... I have become a dry drunk... it is very hard to see in ourselves....and harder to even admit.. Somehow after this many years in recovery it is easy to forget how important it is to work our own program..(I think I got lost in the love of our relationship and quit taking care of myself) I still went to some(not as much) meeting but more just talking about how it use to me...not working my own program....

So no advice giving here from me... you are a shining example of the program working... and I would really like to thank you for sharing your story and what you are dealing with.
I know for me... I have had times in my 23 years that I have been a dry drunk..Not long periods but some months) where I lost my way and thought it was everyone else's fault....no one is perfect..( I have slide back in my al anon recovery at times too) But I do believe that most folks with years of recovery find there way back and to loving place were we need to be.

So again thank you for showing that the program works... you doing the right stuff...
and your inspiring us old farts to get off our buts and work out own program... :)

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Iamgood


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Wow, Stilllearning, thank you so much for your post. 

I feel tears, so much appreciation for your honesty. 

So helpful to me to know that even with decades of solid recovery, one can have a "dry drunk" relapse. It is not unique! : - )

When my husband came back to...came back to...came back to sanity, we talked.

He explained that since we got married, he had stopped taking care of himself in ways that were important to him. Stopped with some sports, some hobbies, etc., with the idea in mind that he needed to be home for his new wife and to save money. 

I do not need him to be home for me all the time. And money-wise, we are working on finances together.

I love it when he takes care of himself and enjoys his hobbies and sees his friends. It is interesting and fun. And it encourages me to do the same.

Plus I get to have some quiet time when he is out.   

Thank you to everyone who posted so far, for the supportive and positive comments. It has helped me so much.



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bijela


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Iamgood wrote:

 

How Al-Anon Works, p. 84, Detachment: "It is the disease rather than the individual that is responsible. By seeing the person as separate from the disease, by detaching, we can stop being hurt by groundless insults or angered by outrageous lies."

 I am really working on how to do that! =( Any tips or is it just talking to yourself mantra style to shut that the stupid emotional part of the brain?



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grateful2be


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Thanks for the post, IAG. I appreciated the excerpts and the reminders and most especially your shared program choices.


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SpiderArcana


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Iamgood wrote:

How Al-Anon Works, p. 28, The Part We Play: "It becomes essential to prove we are right." 

 

This!  So very, very much this.  Detaching and not constantly having crazy-brain whir around with, 'I know I'm right, I know it in my gut, I have to prove that I am right and not going bonkers' is something I work very hard to try and curtail.  I am not perfect, nor can I decide what is best for my AH.  It's his bed to make and lie in.  Just really hard to remember that sometimes.  Good luck with your journey!



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Iamgood


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Someone here pondered - how do we detach.

I am no expert, surely, or I would not have been feeling confused, angry, hurt, resentful at my husband. 

Thinking about my recent scenario, detachment, as best as I could muster it, was:

- trying to stop talking to prove I am right,

- not having a come back to every irrational thing he was saying ,

- petting the cats, talking a walk, and reading a book for fun, as I usually like to do (also to help me not keep obsessing),

- calling a program friend and posting here when I still could not stop obsessing,

- writing down my fear, anger and resentment about my husband, to let the feelings out on paper. Just between me and the paper. Putting all that in the God box.

- thanking my husband for washing the dishes when he did that.

- going to bed early so that I could rest (and so that I would not be tempted to talk more to get him to act the way I want)ed.



-- Edited by Iamgood on Tuesday 22nd of October 2013 06:54:44 PM

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