The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When is the last time you went out, IT, and did something really, really, really nice for yourself?
One of the most honest things I did in relationship to my son was to recognize that I didn't want to get him a gift, etc after going through months of ugly behaviors at his hand. I didn't get him a gift. I didn't get him a card. I didn't call him or accept his calls. That's when things changed for me. It didn't change him. It did change me. There came a point for me when I realized that the person getting hurt in our relationship was me. There would be no change for me until I did what seemed right to me and that was NOT doing something nice for my son. That proved to be doing something nice for me. I wouldn't allow myself to let my sick son abuse me anymore and I wasn't going to feel bad because I'd had enough of his bad behavior and was going to separate myself from it. I didn't justify it. I didn't argue about it. I didn't defend it. I didn't explain it. I just didn't do it - spend my hard earned money and time on a person who refused to treat himself or me with any kind of care or respect. I couldn't change that in him. I certainly could change it in me. When I stopped acting nicey-nice and going the third mile trying to keep in relationship to my son who was anything but loving in relationship to me as a result of his choosing to party rather than continue his recovery work, I could let go of the hurt and resentment I felt towards myself for allowing myself to be abused. My son's disease expected that I should put up with everything and it didn't have to do anything - not even extend basic human decency. I finally saw it. I got mad about it. I said no more to it. I did something nice for me. And I let my son's disease flap in the breeze. There was nothing I could do about it anyway.
What might happen if you take that gift back and got yourself something that you've wanted for a long-long time? I can tell you that the long-term effect of my stopping my part - giving beyond reason - resulted in my son's recognizing that he had crossed a line. He no longer expects or demands anything of me. I give when I truly want to give to him. He may or may not be in recovery now. I do know he is trying to make something of his life that he has stated he has messed up. That's up to him. But I've stopped allowing myself to be the one in relationship to my son who allows abuse from his diseased hand to hurt me anymore. Detachment tells us not to allow ourselves to be abused or used in the interest of someone else's recovery.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 16th of October 2013 09:58:53 AM
Well for the 900th time I found myself looking at greeting cards, trying to find one that fit the bill. Hallmark needs to come out with a line of cards for the alcoholic. You can find the ones that go on about how wonderful, loving, sweet, caring,kind, thoughtful, the person is. And how having them in your life is the most wonderful thing, Blah..blah..blah.. It's enough to gag me with a fork.
I've got a few suggestions..
Living with you sucks..Happy Birthday
Well another year has rolled around, I see you haven't drank yourself to death yet.
You make me sick, I can't stand the sight of you, and I am getting you this card so I don't feel guilty.
I wish you had treated me nicely, this past your, so I could get you a nice card, but you didn't...so here's this one.
I don't care if you have a Happy Birthday or not
I spent the time getting him a nice birthday present, put thought into finding something he would like. But never gave it to him. I allow myself to be unhappy because of him, and could not bring myself to be nice to him. Now I feel guilty.... What a mess
It's the rawness and anger from the insanity and destruction not having a healthier outlet. I know that I don't do anger well and can't afford to hold onto it. Call someone on the Alanon list, post here, exercise, give it to HP, and be good to you... let it go. When I do this, I feel better about myself and life in general.
I hear your confusion. It helps me when I can understand the disease's pattern. If you can put the anger aside temporarily, how would you like to celebrate his birthday? What makes sense to you? Finding a place where we can make decisions from a place of serenity and kindness will help detach and not perpetuate guilt. It's about being good to you.
You are right I've got anger all right, and I need to get rid of it, I'm trying.
Oh, I wish I could be that wife I used to be. I would go all out in making him feel special. His favorite meal, homemade pumpkin cake, present, loving card. I realize I have become my own worst enemy. I hate me sometimes, for what I've become. Some of the stuff he has done and said, I just have no place to put it. Some things have just cut me to the bone x 41 years. I should have gotten out of this a long time ago.
I can hear your anger. I lived this way for 20 yrs. Resentment Ill will it's the damage, the insanity. I am working on compassion which is not easy. Believing alcoholism is a disease is hard but helps accept that the bad behaviour is not about us. We can stop taking it personally. Setting boundaries is difficult but you can control what you put up with to some extent. When you do this you gain back some self respect and self love. This disease takes so much but there are parts of yourself you can take right back but it's hard work. Learn the alanon philosophy. There is a better way.x
I hear you and can relate I too slowly became angry, bitter, sarcastic as a result of living with this disease The welcome statement at alanon meetings states it so well. " We become irritable and unreasonable without even knowing it" . Actually I lost my true self and "Became like him" . Using alanon tools , working the Steps, sharing at meetings, reading literature, praying brought me to the understanding of the reading in the our ODAT Reader that states a quote from Jonathan Swift "Men Must not turn into bees who kill themselves in stinging others". I had come close to becoming that BEE.. Instead I learned to live one day at a time, focused on myself, trusting HP. Treating everyone with courtesy and respect grew from that and I am so pleased with that gift.
Thank you for your honest share.
I admit (somewhat shamefully) I had a little chuckle only because I feel the same way. I don't like the person I am when those thoughts run through my mind and need to work on it one day at a time. I wonder if when A's birthday comes along I should do something special for myself and make me feel like I am important to me. Its your birthday and I survived another year and truthfully if I focus more on me, I will get better. I don't feel like I respect myself if I am rewarding inappropriate behaviour. It is not to say that I am intentionally being mean to the A, it just says I will not intentionally set myself up to disappoint myself.
Great responses and remember you have choices...and we can never be the people we once were. There is a statement I used to hear my sponsor say to me "you can be bitter or you can be better". (((hugs)))
I think you made my morning..... Halmark should hire you as your card ideas are humorous, yet so true. Try to rid yourself of the guilt and anger, you will feel better. I'm can relate to how you're feeling.
islandtime, I wasn't sure if it was ok to be amused by your greeting card ideas or not. I do understand your anger, resentment and guilt. I am filled with it myself.
I think the most diplomatic birthday card we could give to the A in our lives would simply say
"Wishing you all of the joy that you have given to me"
I like g2b's suggestion; my A and I share the same birthday. This year I did not get him anything (for the first time ever). My grandmother gave me an extremely generous gift (she lived with a crazy A all of her life and she "gets me" and spoils me sometimes). It was a voucher worth $300 for an up-market department store. I found a gorgeous leather jacket that had been reduced by 60% from $1,000 so I spent the $100 I would have spent on him and bought myself a precious. Ooooh it's nice, the most expensive piece of clothing I have ever owned. I feel really good when I wear it, partially because it symbolises doing for ME instead of doing for HIM.
I felt this same way about Valentine's cards. I shared this at a meeting one time while I was still with my A and of course everyone could only nod in agreement.
A great majority of the Valentines cards were so sickeningly co-dependent... "I cannot live without you.. you are my life, my heart and the world grows dark every time we are apart..." blah blah BLAHHHHH.
My ex A always enjoyed humor so I opted with the humorous card instead. I did the same for birthdays, too. I did also try not to find anything bitingly cruel or sarcastic, either, however, because I wouldn't feel great about giving him something mean, either.
((((Islandtime)))) Yes, I know and there is so much good that you want to offer- and after being entangled with this for so long, those same loving acts can seem inappropriate. Your sense of humor is another one of your huge assets; there is hope and you aren't alone. So much practice in removing expectations, not being attached to outcomes, and acceptance....do the next right thing one day at a time.
I'm grateful for your post and sending prayers for wisdom, courage, and serenity.
. Instead I learned to live one day at a time, focused on myself, trusting HP. Treating everyone with courtesy and respect grew from that and I am so pleased with that gift.