The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling blue today. Recently realizing my spouse Alcoholic (sober) is so distant from me. Not knowing if we will ever be close again. Not giving up but just coming to a realization of our relationship. Now 3 of the 4 kids are mostly grown and doing their own thing. The now 14 yr. old is in her teenage distance from me now. No other family and friend supporting me now. I have my own health issues and am unable to work. My father has alzheimers and is in the nursing home. And today I started my day off with the bank requiring us to modify our mortgage because it is behind. I had to turn in the application for the remodifcation of it today. Since we have been behind on it for quite some time now. I just feel so alone. No one to really understand. I am generally a happy person. I try to look at the bright side. But it's just so hard not having my partner. My spouse there to deal with all of this. My alcoholic is never there for me when I need him. We were high school sweethearts. Married 34 years now. I just wish it could be like it used to be. I could tell him anything. Everything. We would talk so much. Now we go to our opposite corners of the house. I just need someone to lean on. someone to tell me they will be there with me thru thick and thin. Be my partner. It's just not possible. He isn't capable to give what I need. He is selfish and in his own world. He can't be a partner and a parent showing a united front. I do have faith that God is with me. But I need a partner type relationship. And I can't fill that void with any other relationship. The closenenss and intimacy of a spouse.
I'm sorry Nancy. I am in the same situation and I totally understand. I think my spouse feels the same way, too, that he can't lean on me either. It's sad that we've gotten to this place. I have no real words for you except to say that you are not alone. Sending you lots of hugs and support!
I so understand the feeling and the sadness. I think my biggest mistake was attempting to force the relationship back to "The Way We Were" Since we were no longer the same people that started the relationship we could not go back We needed to learn how to relate in a more meaningful, interdependent manner Alanon gave me the tools to build this relationship. I found that I needed to learn how to communicate my needs, wants and dreams. I needed to learn to listen with an open mind I needed to let the past stay in the past and attempt to build a future with new tools.
It took time and effort and after 5 years of working at it I can say we had connected a loving relationship once again
-- Edited by hotrod on Tuesday 15th of October 2013 09:06:09 PM
I understand and know the feeling..... If lost my best friend too, yes we try to get it back but I don't think we will. I truly, truly try to hold onto the good ol saying / belief: What is meant to be will be and everything happens for a reason. This has proven to be true over and over, but so hard to see or want to see that in the moment!!!
__________________
Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
It's so hard. It feels like a loss and being cheated. It was not part of the deal. For me the feeling of abandonment is very hard to take. The checking out on all aspects of family life made me so angry. Alanon. Helps us accept this reality. We try to lean on a higher power and trust that whatever happens will be for the greater good. I couldn't live like this and I left my ah. Still feel abandoned . I left my home everything. Started again from scratch. Im not sure it was the right thing to do. There were a new set of problems to deal with but im stronger now and I can't stand to be anywhere near him now. Im working on compassion and I admire women who stick with it and are happy despite it. It's such a cruel disease. So damaging.x
I've felt that way, too, although I've been single since 1979. I have learned to trust that if I needed the partnership I think I want and need, HP would open the door to that kind of relationship. In my case, HP has pretty much shown me that HP is the only partner I need. I balk every once in awhile and disagree. Then, I turn it over and just get on with living my life on life's terms. I simply can't know what is really best for me and for my life. I learned that in choosing the man I did to marry. I've learned I get what I need but I don't always get what I want. Lots of encouragement as you continue your life as it is and trust that you are being guided and supported in ways you might not always feel or see, but need.
I voiced my needs in as gentle of a manner as possible. Then I remembered he is an active alcoholic spiraling out of control. That was a complete waste of time. Yes I once again remind myself I need to detach from my A and not my HP. I voiced my needs to my A when I needed to have a walk and talk with my HP...yes progress not perfection suits me quite well these days. Oops.
I Am sending you a great big hug and a little bit of hope that you find some peace my friend. It is so very confusing sometimes. Thank you for sharing :)
Much love and support
M
When I got the miracle of being able to talk to and listen to another member of the Al-Anon Family Groups who invited me to my first face to face meeting I soon learned I wasn't and never had been alone. They had been there all the time and now I knew how to get back to them and into the program. I've never been alone since and my spouse has never been responsible for my happiness and sadness again. I got the invitation to "keep coming back" and I took it and it saved my life and my butt. Feeling Blue for me is the same as feeling depressed and honestly no matter how crazy things can get for me now I rarely; if ever feel depressed anymore. Call the fellowship if you haven't already and find a home group who will support you as your support them. Keep coming back here also. ((((hugs))))
Thanks for everyones support. I have a group and a sponsor. I have called my sponsor. I am not able to get to a meeting right now. So I need this online group so much too right now. My daughter has so much activites she belongs to. They are at the same times as the Al-Anon meetings. My A (spouse) does not feel he should have to cover for meto take her. He did at first but then he said well I did that last week! (see what I mean about selfish). So I am handling things on my own. With the selfishness the A doesn't even notice if you have needs. But I don't go around being a maryter. I try to do all things with joy in my heart. I don't expect a relationship just like the early days. We were so young then 18 and 19 when we got married. I hope I am more mature now! Lol! But would just like someone to talk to sometimes. Share things with. Talk out situations. (and sorry to any men here) But maybe some of this is a man thing. It's just not the way God made them. But I thought perhaps some of that would return. Maybe if he were in a program instead of handling sobriety on his own. He tried AA but siad he could not relate to the type of people there. Criminals. Surely there are groups of different types of people. But for now I will "just keep swimming. just keep swimming!" Thanks friends. Al-Anon folks are some of the nicest people there are.
Thats hard Nancy, when they are still in denial like that. My ex got sober for 6 yrs on his own because AA was 'full of weird people and he was not like them!!!!' Same old crap. They 6 years were hell because he got into other things for a while like drugs and it seemed to me to be all about him hiding from himself so anything would do. Of course I played along with the whole scenario except I was so grateful that he was sober that I became more compliant and obsessed in many ways. I lived in fear of things upsetting him and then he would pick up that drink again so our relationship went from one unhealthy state to another. There were actually times when I thought things were better when he drank and they were in some ways. It was still insanity just in a different form. My biggest regret was my kids being brought up in this dysfunction. They now have some of the isms that we showed and taught them to have. The good thing now though is that im in recovery, the insanity has been halted in a way. I am trying to lead by example showing my kids that there is another way to view life, Im not that good at it but im working on it and thats part of my making amends. I left my ex physically 5 yrs ago and emotionally about 6 months ago. I found it really hard to break my addiction to him but im glad I did. Ironically he attends AA now and the handful of times I have spoken to him this last few months he sounds like he has a program but he is such a manipulator, he is the type to use AA as a way to get me back into his life. I have no trust whatsoever, I would put nothing past him. I can see right through him now. Compassion is my next goal, I would like to teach that to my kids, you know Mum no longer hates Dad, she has compassion. Now that would be nice.x
El Cee You have described everything I have felt going thru life with sober A. I have not left my marriage but We no longer have a physical relationship. Because I feel I can not give myself in a romantic way to someone who makes me feel so awful. He doesn't have much desire like he used to so it is not much of a problem. He does want me to sleep in the same bed but it is hard to do so. I do sometimes. He seems to treat me better when I do I have noticed. Weird! But I will not leave him for now. I don't really want to because I want towork on it still and I have hope sometimes. I also do not work. I do feel some compassion. I always forgive and try to act like nothing weird ever happend and go on. Don't know how else to be for now. Thanks for your post.
