The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Like Paula, I also resisted recovery - thinking it was all about him and certainly NOT about me when I was married and divorced. I worked the program, but not as earnestly as maybe I could have until I was faced with my son's alcoholism. It took more work in the program to show me that yes, some of this is about me because I'm the one living in fear and pain while trying to appear noble in the face of a disease that was killing my son and could kill me.
The answer to most of our why questions when it comes to to living with or loving an A is primarily these words: I need help. Al-Anon is the solution to the problems we experience as people affected by the disease - a disease we didn't cause, can't control and can't cure -- but are still affected by it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 14th of October 2013 11:27:15 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 14th of October 2013 11:45:35 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 14th of October 2013 04:40:53 PM
Hello all I need to vent and I have issues LOL.The ones who have seen my posts know I am living with a dry drunk. Believe it or not this part is not about himHis Bday was Friday and when I got home he was in such a good mood (finally-it has been weeks).He was playful , hugging me, kissing me just acting like the old Tom used to when both his wet and dry were in check.I have no idea why (well I think I know why) but I completely shut down and was sooooooooooooo cold to him when I saw him happy acting.We went on a haunted hayride that night and I was even more cold to him and I did this all night no matter how hard he tried.I felt bad when he would pull away and sit there he looked like a little kid not knowing what to do or what he did wrong. I knew I didnt want to act this way but I couldnt help it. And no matter what he has said to me on his bad days, he didnt deserve this from me especially on his birthday. And again Sat, he came home from work in a great mood he was happy we were going to see my mom out of town, and I was even worse to him?
I have absolutely no explanation for WHY I did this other than. I was mad that he can be nice and lovable, the true real man is in there and darn it he doesnt get to choose when he wants to be normal !!!!!!And why do I always have to wait for him to be normal acting!!!It seems if the stars are not all lined up on a particular day who knows what he will be like! And I get so mad here I am Stop hanging out with some friends (friends of 30 yrs) because they drink too much, I cant have my glass of wine once in a while, or when we go to a nice dinner I cant, I cant go see a live band once (because I LOVE music), I gave all of it up to be sure I was not enabling or making it harder for him Why do I have to feel so uncomfortable when the waitress wont shut up about the drink specials or with commercials all over the place selling alcohol or even in the movies and the damn liquor stores on every corner!!! Wondering what he is thinking when he sees them, is it making him want to drink. I changed SO SO much in my ways and I am getting all the help I can afford to deal, reading, learning, crying, having to deal with him etc and he isnt going to meetings to get better???? I guess I am resenting him causes a lot of this, also another reason why I couldnt be nice to him this weekend.... I am not sure if that makes sense and I dont know why I did what I did, but it cannot be healthy for him when he is being normal for two days in a row with NO mood swings or anything and I close him off like that! I am really upset with myself today.
On a good note: Sunday, he was still in a great mood and soooooo loveable (even after the treatment he got from me) and I decided to let my walls down and we had a great day and night, I felt so connected with him again.BUT, I think this also supports my theory of my behaviorI am having so much anxiety today, I feel so much LIKE and love for him today and because I know his mood wont last and because I went and let my walls down, again, I will hurt worse when the dry drunk (AKA - we call it HIM) takes over.If I dont let him in I cant hurt as much, right?But I dont want to live like that, no way! I somehow I have to be able to love him when he is able to show love and compassion and not hurt so bad when he reverts back. And as always, PRAY to HP he goes back to meetings and goes back to working the program.
I think I am also mad because he has been reading and putting effort into (on his own) his moods and anger issues (again from the dry drunk).So he will put effort in on HOW to handle his mood swings and anger but NOT go get the help he needs to deal with his sobriety ???? I am happy he is putting some effort in BUT I feel it is ass backwards.If he dealt with his sobriety he wouldnt suffer the dry drunk and he would be back to his lovable, even keeled, laid back nothing bothers him self!!!!!!Why do As do all they can to avoid tending to the real issue?IN my As case, he will go to therapy (and actually enjoys it), he will read self- help books, he will schedule talk time for him and I but he wont deal with the problem that is the VERY cause of all this self-help and therapy stuff!Please help me wrap my arms around this!!
Even though me ignoring his stupid behavior works like a charm, it still eats me up inside! When he starts his pitty pottyness .. poor me poor me or over reacts to the smallest things and wants me to engage or fight about it I simply say OK. And really, not much else and it works, but I want him to just not act that way!Just STOP And why is it he can control himself around others (friends and family) but doesnt with him and I??? Again, that is why I try to learn more on the dry drunk.I am the type of person (always have always will be) that needs to understand and learn as much as I possibly can in order for me to accept it and make it better for myself. No one can ever understand everything but there is nothing wrong with trying to learn what you can so you can cope and deal.Me letting it go to an HP isnt enough, we are all wired differently so not all approaches will work for all.
And each day that ticks away, each day he doesnt get help (for his dry sobriety) and knowing the risk of him relapsing could be tomorrow is just a day closer of me saying good bye. I know me and I know I wont deal with this forever (not like this anyway), and that crushes my heart. Tom is my best friend and soul mate, so I ask all the time, why HP, why would you send me someone sick? And knowing what I have been through in the past, havent I had enough at 43?I dont want to learn anymore? It is my turn to love and be free, isnt it?
OK, I feel a little better HA-HA. I Bought Codependent No More and Courage to Change yesterday looking forward to reading them, I hope they help.I could not find getting them sober so I will buy online here, if I buy from site it supports Al Anon right?.
I hope everyone had a good weekend sorry I went on and on, so mixed up feeling thats all.
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
I resisted meetings in the beginning of my recovery...I thought I could do my recovery my way. When I surrendered and released my pride ,I worked my program as it was intended and I actually began to feel grateful that I had been brought this life experience of living with an addict. Would I have chosen a different experience? Hell yes.....but hp will do what needs to be done to bring us to humility. (((Hugs)))
I so get your post. I spent years like this, feeling mad and resentful, being determined not to enjoy any moment because this, this and this were not right and it all boiled down to him not being sober, even if he was the fear that soon he wouldnt be spoiled many years of my life. This is the definition of insanity for me. I lived this too and my heart goes out to you. I thoroughly recommend reading 'The merrygoround called denial' It enlightened me to my part in the play that is alcoholism.x
My Alcoholic was hardly ever in a bad mood, he was never sober.
His Alcoholism did wound me and cut me deeply and more progressively toward the end of our marriage.
And the times he was amorous and affectionate, I would turn cold and hostile. I found out it was my issues, lack of trust and anger that I wasnt resolving.
My lesson....what a waste of precious time.... Today he is not alive, but I'm so grateful for Alanon that they were resolved before he left this earth and that I can continue on without any regrets, anger or bitterness.
Thanks for sharing;)
I too get overwhelmed and feel like it doesn't make any sense at all. thats why there is Alanon.
keep on keeping on one day at a time
Love and support
M
Thank you ALL!! I know it is me with this..... and it isn't that I hate him, I am just so angry inside at him.... that Sunday and last night I let me walls down and had two great nights!!!!!! I would start to feel that thing come over me... the... "don't get too close, it might not be like this tomorrow" "And if you feel too close it will hurt worse" but realized, I was feeling good and why fight that???? Feeling good... feels good darn it LOL :) I am glad I am on here. Trying SO SO hard to find a meeting in my area that I can go to and not miss work. But for now I am loaded up on books you all suggested (thank you for that too) and learn so much on how to deal with him when the dry drunk rears it's ugly head, and because I learned how it is so much better for me!!! And confuses him which I find funny. I know, that wasn't nice to say but it is true. I just feel I have a little sanity and power back, in me!!! I will hope everyday he goes back to meetings and get's himself back to where he was, but if he doesn't, for now I will learn to cope and in the end make my choice if I stay or if I go. I am preparing for best and worse cases. XOXOXOXOX to all
-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Tuesday 15th of October 2013 06:45:36 AM
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
Decided I am going to try and be nice tonight :).... again. Yep, just decided it a min ago :) I learned years ago bitterness and anger wears you out, take too much energy........... and it broke me at one point. Can't let that happen again.
Going on 6 yrs without anti-depressants and I will be darned if I go back on them! Gotta remember all I have learned, all I have been through in past and all I survived! I am a little upset / resentful towards him that I am back on Zanax, but I absolutely had to, I was free from that for 7 yrs.. but simply refuse the anti-depressants. So, reminding myself I can do this without meds and when I get in my depression funk, if more that 3-days I had better do something to get myself out of it! To anyone who suffers from depression I want to say I am truly sorry, it is a horrible thing and feeling. And living with an A I can imagine it is all around. (hugs all)
-- Edited by Iwantthingsback on Tuesday 15th of October 2013 01:17:02 PM
__________________
Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
I read once that depression - for some of us - is anger we don't believe we have a right to have or to feel. In grief work, the cycle is: Denial, bargaining, anger, depression, acceptance - and the sixth stage reaching out/new life. We don't go through all the stages in linear fashion, but we do go through them. I used to bury my anger under depression because I knew my son was sick, but I still felt angry about it. Once I acknowledged it with a recovering alcoholic who said: "I was wondering if and when you'd ever get there," I was able to move through the anger and the depression into acceptance and then more service work in Al-Anon. Not saying this is true for you. It was true for me.
