The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I AM SO HAPPPY THAT YOU ARE ATTENDING ALANON . IT WAS AT THESE MEETINGS, SHARING MY HEART AND WORKING THE STEPS WITH A SPONSER THAT I LEARNED HOW TO TRUST MYSELF AND TO LET GO OF THE GUILT THAT SURROUNDED MY LIFE FOR SO LONG
I MADE AMMENDS TO MY FAMILY BY DETACHING FROM THEM, TREATING THEM WITH COURTESY AND RESPECT, I ALSO STOPPED JUDGING THEM AND THAT WAS ENOUGH. I DID NOT HAVE TO JOIN THEM AND CRASH AND BURN WITH THEM
KEEP COMING BACK YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY
--
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 14th of October 2013 11:49:40 AM
I live a couple hours from my parents and siblings. There is a lot of dysfunction and alcoholism and so I really try and keep my distance from them because it really stresses me out. I am in alanon so it does help me. But yesterday I drove there and got to see my new baby niece and spend time with her. Then I went to see my brother since I hadn't seen him in a long time. My mom then texted me and wanted me to come over but I had seen her a couple of weeks ago and it was already so hard on me that I didn't go. My brother and his wife were pretty drunk and we just sat around their fireplace in their shop and visited. My sister in law had a major slur going on. Then as I was leaving my other sister called me and told me that my other sister's husband who was drunk at the time kicked her out of the house the other night because he didn't want the baby being around our dysfunctional mother (at 2 in the morning he kicked her out). Anyways, to get to my point (if you are still reading this lol)...I had this huge guilt that if I don't go to the events that are planned and make sure to text my mom back to her many many texts then I am being a bad daughter. I don't want them to think that I don't care but what ends up happening is that I go and be around them and I leave feeling really yucky and alone and sad. And when I see my mom it really affects me negatively because my mom has a really hard time "seeing me" it is like it is all about her and it really triggers my childhood because she always made it all about her. I really do love my family but I think that I should love myself enough to quit letting the guilt make my choices. I know that I have my own character defects and I am working on them but my family is so affected by alcohol and they aren't getting the help they need. My old therapist told me that I needed to just let them go and then she left me with a quote that really meant a lot to me and made sense "Quit giving your treasures away to people who can't appreciate your diamonds".....she also asked me if I would continue to go and buy meat that was recalled over again and again and she compared that to seeing my family because of how much they wound me when I am around them and I always feel like a little child around them. It generally takes me a whole week to get back to normal after seeing my mom especially. It hurts because I want a mom who really sees me and is interested in me and my life. My dad is always so busy care taking her and everything is about my mom and I should just quit wanting it to be different. I feel like if I set boundaries and put more distance between us then they will just think I am being a bad daughter. Thank you for the support here and I would love to hear your ES&H about this because I feel so lost about it. This guilt is not good for me.
You know there is a quote somewhere in the bible that tells you that you should not associate with people who are toxic for you. I am not an avid church goer but I remember this from one of the sermons I heard. And I remember feeling so relieved when I heard it because I also have family members who manage to distress me every time we meet. But I thought that I HAD to get together with them because that was what family does! The sermon went on to say that you did not stop loving them, you did not stop hoping that they would change and you should find it in your heart to forgive them their sins against you BUT you needed to take care of yourself and you can't do that if people were dragging you down. So you should keep your distance, maintain your boundaries and stop letting them use you for their selfish desires.
That sermon changed my life. I have to occasionally interact with those family members at weddings and funerals but I am 'civil but strange' as my mom would say and they no longer have the power to distress me. Lose the guilt my dear and practice taking care of you.
Control and guilt was often used by adults in my life when I thought differently, felt differently, acted differently and said so, felt so, acted so. I was made to feel that if I wasn't doing stuff for other people and God all the time, I was sinning, selfish, self-centered, a drama queen, making a mountain out a molehill, in danger of losing my immortal soul or worse. Being a child who loved the adults in my life and trusted them, I took what they said to heart and slowly my natural way of being in life was eroded and stuffed down. Even now, after years of recovery, I can feel guilty because I actually don't want to hang out with people who don't treat me well and tend to think it is something I'm doing or should be doing or haven't done. It's one thing to be in relationship to people who own they aren't perfect and agree to sit down and work towards a resolution that everybody can live with. Its another to be in relationship to people who can't ever own their stuff and will spend countless hours treating me like I don't exist except for what I can do for them.
As an adult, I can be aware of my surroundings to include toxic people, accept that I don't like to be around toxic people, and stay away from toxic people whether I feel guilty or not. It burns off after awhile for me. It can burn off for you, too.
