The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
last two posts I have continued to do what I said I would do, and that is support my wife's decision to leave and find her identity
However I never knew how difficult it would be, just after a couple weeks. Emotionally it is a rollercoaster and personally I am a punching bag for her. Everyday I get reminded of the things I do wrong or have done wrong outside of drinking. My shrink says it has to do with a continuous mental re-connect to reinforce her decision, and I am the continuous reinforcement.
Does anyone have any suggestions. Doing the right thing is difficult but it is the right thing to do. 45 more days left.
Recovery from living with the disease of alcoholism is a difficult process. If both parties are attending 12 Step recovery programs, one in AA the other in Alanon then you have a common ground to explore your feelings and process. Not sure what is going on in your separation.
I suggest that you increase your AA meetings, share this at your meetings and with your AA sponsor and trust that HP will guide your thoughts and life
This was the training ground for me for "detachment"...get my focus off of her and her plans and program and put it all on myself. It was also were I practiced and learned self affirmations when focusing on myself. There is soooo much negativity in our disease and I was always "taking" negativity as a compulsive habit until my sponsor gave me permission to change it and not take it, listen to it, respond to it, offer payback and the such. It was the disease continuing to stay in momentum which it would never do if I would just stop spinning the wheel.
Learning new things at times are hard and if your prepare for that and let go and let God anyway you'll stay balanced and sane. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Keep coming and admitting what you need to .. read, share, and reason with others here who understand .. The Emotional rollercoaster is uncomfortable .. the ups the downs the all arounds, etc ... Makes sense to me why any of us would be on an emotional rollercoaster when we go through painful situations .. imagine a train on a track and then quite a few boxcars with names: anger, fear, obsession, blame, criticism, minimizing, magnifying, manipulation, confusion .. my emotions would spin on these because all I could feel was pain .. It wasn't until I began to focus on me, come both here and face to face meetings, and do the work that the above anger, fear, obsession, blame, criticism, minimizing, magnifying, manipulation, confusion could even begin to heal .. how could it when my focus was 'everywhere but on me .. I still have the train but I'm at least a little lighter at times. all those emotions are still healing but i'm definitely on the path of reaching emotional sobriety ..
You've received great ESH from the others. Each person recovers at their own pace; keeping your focus on your program is the best thing that you can do.
Hopefully, she is also working the steps in Alanon. Both need time and patience to process and shed the distortions and recover from the destruction created by the disease. One day at a time.
I'm sorry its tough but not surprised - there are some huge changes going on in your life and any change, even good change, is not easy.
Whose voice is it that is reminding you of all you did wrong? Is it yours or your wife's? Or both?
Whoever it is I'm not sure if it is useful right now - could you ask it to give you a break, just for today?
No reason why you should be anyone's punchbag, especially your own.
I guess consequences do come up - but how you handle them can change. Sometimes I wonder if we are on this earth to learn, and one thing life is good at dishing out is learning curves! I try to take pride in working my programme and being a person I want to feel proud of, again just for this moment. Actions do seem to speak louder than words and thoughts.
I hope you can go gently with yourself.
If others feel the need to let off steam it might be ok to ask them to wait a bit. I imagine that like AH and I, you both need the gift of time. I imagine that you've got your own work to do and in our vulnerable states it is easy to hear a simple statement of fact as a punishing blow that leaves us cowering. I think it is ok to protect yourself from that for the moment.
If recriminations are required they can probably wait until you have more 'stuffing' (ie good feelings about yourself) in place so you are in a better place to roll with the punches. Until then, I would just accept that times have been tough for you both and when those nasty feelings come up in your own head ask 'how am I with that?' I find that those thoughts slink away when I acknowledge them. I found that it helps to celebrate the good things in our lives - even if it is just the four minute egg I had for breakfast! Gratitude.
PS my apologies if this post seems full of 'instructions' - it is not what I mean. I'm just relaying some of the thought processes that have helped me over the past few years.
However I never knew how difficult it would be, just after a couple weeks. Emotionally it is a rollercoaster and personally I am a punching bag for her. Everyday I get reminded of the things I do wrong or have done wrong outside of drinking. My shrink says it has to do with a continuous mental re-connect to reinforce her decision, and I am the continuous reinforcement.
