I just wanted to stop by and say hello to all of you who have loved me, validated me, been patient w/me with the "daughter thing" and those of you who , even tho my posts were not really alanon, you all welcomed me anyway and would give me some love and support during the hard times....which are unchanged, but I am changing....

UPDATE

for now..until I am ready...no contact w/the younger daughter......maybe at some later date, I can chat w/her but i accept her as she is , finally , and i will just keep a healthy distance, if we can chat again w/out it turning into toxicity...i am focusing on me...and whats inside the circle i drew around my own feet....

financial......working on changing gov't medicare to humana medicare which gives me better protection at $10 more per month,  instead of possibly going into debt where they lien my house if i were to get really sick,  this new plan, worst case scenario I will be out less the 7K if i ever had real bad sickness......that right there gives me a more secure feeling...I have a meet w/a rep and if it is what my sponsor says, I am signing up for Jan begin date...my dr. visits will be less...my anxiety meds will be less

i put out resume covering my desire to work w/animals and my willingness to learn what I dont already know if they need a PT animal officer....OR in the office....but i can only work PT...most places want PT b/c they don't have to give benefits., so ad is in the "network" now...also redid the others...more lean...more punch and i use my pic this time so maybe if they SEE what they are potentially hiring, it will give me advantage....

pit bull baby is coming along fine...at nearly 4 months she is already learning to be a protector like my grown pit bull who is good teacher....baby will be an excellent back up and thus i can cut ADT services and save $50 per month...puppy is easy keeper....all her yearly care will not be half bad w/my vet tech experience....i give her all her shots, wormings but legally i have to get her heartwormed checked and rabies.....unless illness strikes,  she is more joy and less expense then ADT....AND adt keeps going up...one day my protests on increase will not work, so i am prepared....my pets are my therapy...i always had them and always will....they keep me calmer...ADT , i don't need.....what burglar is going to mess with TWO pit bulls in the house who will back up their bark???? 

got my doc. to increase my dosage, so i can break my pills in half,  take less pills ,  get same medication and waay less and this is B4 humana...i will pay 1/2 what i was paying b4 as i switched pharmacies.....if humana works out, it will be even cheaper.....

i am working step 4 again, and then on to 5,6,7.....confessed a big mistake i made long ago to my sponsor and my sister who is ret. mental health counselor and i felt a great lift off me

i know..in the past i obsessed and ranted about daughter #2..... i had to address my expectations and my resentments, all of which i am doing step 7 on...asking my creator to remove these......i feel better....i can see her coming and going and i do not feel animosity and resentment anymore....it is what it is......i just wish her well....relieved that i made the decision to finally put my needs of peace first.....i wasn't focusing on the solution w/her...i was bitching about the past.....i see that now...

also my cousin.....she is here...i have seen her once in over a weeks visit....She knows my boundaries and what I will do to maintain them .....if no call and she is late?? and I can't get to her??? I am leaving the house and gonna  "do life and fun by myself"   getting used to being my own "date" and its ok.....I am gonna live my life and no waiting and waiting for another....not anymore....i told her i loved her but i have changed....no more waiting around for nothing and putting others needs before mine.....compromise is healthy......doing all the giving is not healthy....

i am doing exercises, like playing solitare on my Iphone and other games to help me focus and stay in the now and pay attention.....recovery practice does not have to be drudgery....I am getting creative in my ways of practicing the slogans and the program suggestions.....i already see myself being more mindful, paying attention and longer periods of staying in the present and paying attention...

I chant the focus  "easy does it"  and even clap my hands, if my mind is racing and i am "rushing" through a task or life it self.....practice...practice will make habit....

all of the above requires practice and I am willing

I thought maybe i was just too messed up and whats the use of all this work????  what is the benefit of it????  what am i really getting out of all this work, humililty, changing, behavioural modification work????     the benefit is  peace....maintaining my boundaries....acquiring self respect.....learning to put my needs first....learning how to pay attention and to focus....learning that i am lovable and acceptable AS I AM.....i am no where near where i want to be, what i am a far distance from what i was.....i am learning that relationships are 2 way streets and i am learning that the ones who MIND to not matter to me anymore re: my changing for the better.....the ones who don't mind, DO matter and they are the relationships that i put the most energy on.....i learned as messed up as i was, i can UNdo a lot of that...maybe not all, but when my time comes, i will go home lighter....I am learning that I CAN change my life by changing my MIND.....

IF this new ins. works out, there is a possibility that the plan MY doctor accepts  (PPO  not HMO like my sponsor)  i could get to go to 24 hour fitness for free...insurance wants seniours to "work out" and stay healthy....it saves them in the long run if we old mares and stallions work out and stay healthier...less claims...less sicknesses....so why not throw us a member ship at 24 hr. fitness...i called my local one, close to me and yes, they take humana patients....so i will ask my rep about that one..........IF it works out   (not big expectations, but it CAN happen)  I will be working out, swimming and perhaps meeting other seniours and hey!!!   this could be tantamount to a  match.com where i can meet others....they are open 24/7.....

resting more during this time of financial stress...cuzin wanted to come late  one night and it was work night and i said  "nope...need my rest....gotta work......would love to see u at a more convenient time"  she was not pleased....she will either resent or get over it.....both not my problem....  she is rich...does not have to work....i do.....

also changing my demeanor at friday job....old dad (my favorite boss) is turning the reins over to younger boss who is his son...the other son whom I get on good with does not work on my friday....so "baby" son does... (who isn't crazy about me bc i am not a christian church goer and i dn't read the bible-------sadly for me, i let his wife be on my facebook (what a lesson)  and she saw a discussion on my board about organized religion and how i find hp of my understanding outside of the church---noone knows i am in 12 steps but my closest people)   i go to work and he asks me if i go to church, and read bible....i reply this is not part of my job and i don't talk religion at the work place.....he puts 2 and 2 together and bc he talks about bible and church at work, and i keep my mouth shut, he figures and wifey tells him i do not read bible and go to church........so i am not , shall we say, one of his favorites........what has that to do w/my job????   well???  nothing to me, but i sense if i wasn't so good at my job, he would find another................so...solution???   go to work......myob.....smile.....do my job....do my usual good work ethic and give him NO reason to get on me......if i do my job, don't irritate him which is difficult b/c i am not one of his pets...his wife,  son,  and now the new secretary have his favor....they all talk about church, bible, et al.....i just do my job....I really think it would be harder and more riskier for him to let me go and try to get as good of a worker and then cost him to have his cpa  train her b/c i am cert. pub. bookkeeper...so i just make sure i keep it professional and NOTHING personal.....

AND float my resume and when/ if i get into 24 hr. fitness, i have plans of networking me......

my update is basically,  yes, get out the emotions, anger, or whatever ia m feeling, but don't lose sight of the SOLUTION....i can vent, debrief, rage and rant if i want,  but i want to be mindful of the   "what can i do about it???"   "what can i do to help me"........I still think I am "pretty ok" about working others inventory....I keep it on behaviour and how it impacts me and what i am going to do to take care of me and roll with it.....we all gotta do what works best for us....i feel pretty "ok" right now about my sincerity and ethics about how I work MY program....and i am here to only judge me....

already i feel a tiny bit better b/c i can , if things don't pick up, i can in addition of cutting ADT,  can go back a step on my tv bundle....trade in dvr boxes for 2 little regular boxes and save more, there.....I am right now negotiating w/electrical providers for the best electricity rates......turned the ac off and opening windows cools me off just fine during this nice fall weather............in winter i can have heat at 65 and use a space heater which is waaay cheaper  (did the math and it is pretty cheap)   and just use it in what ever room i am in.........electric blankets and no space heaters at night when sleeping...............I AM  working my options....AND i am casting this burden of lack onto the universe , lighting my candles to relax me and put out/receive good energy with some good sage burning in my big clam shell.......its feel good energy to me.....AND i think the angels and great spirit like it....

NO....I will never quit on me......my biggest lessons have been expectations and still trying to have some control over others......and also caring what others may think of me when  really..........how important are they?????  do they pay my bills??? feed me???? mean much to me??????   as long as i don't owe amend,   WHO CARES???? what others think??????  if i set a reasonable and fair boundary, and they dont' like it????  WHO CARES?????  what is the trade off???   being used............i am not a people pleaser and some in my close range are not pleased..........they will either get over it or they will move on..........and do i need one who wants me to forsake me for their whims?????   NO!!!! 

so that is where i am at........i also shopped around and found a GREAT deal on some REALLY great dog food, and these 2 pit bulls don't eat that big......the old fat lab, does, but she is staying with me for the long haul.....a pet is a commitment  not a disposable when they get old...one day i will get old...i want good karma.... ............when old fat girl goes to her  spirit home, i will just have the 2.....both easy keepers......both terrific watchdogs.......

LOTS of step 4, 5, 6, 7   and LOADS of research in  "how can I help me while I sit in hallway wanting to kick down these doors who don't open, but i know the futility of trying to use force...........so i am doing what i can on MY power to take care of me" and MAKING me let go by just being proactive for me...

Thanks for listening...........I just wanted to stop in and say "hey"   and I do check up on those of you whom i have befriended and whom i communicate with, and trust me..........I send up prayers to the angels for all of you in strife..........

i may be on ACOA more, but I will always stop in here and give a hand if i can offer something........i just felt, also, during my withdrawal/rest that b/c i don't have an A and dont' WANT an A or NA, and i have distanced myself from the substance abusers and the toxics,  i need to work on me and still family of origin issues, so i post there more.......not going away here, though.....I will check up on everyone......

technically i am still on "conserve my energy"  mode, but with research what options i can use, and put into action, I feel a TEENY  bit better......the job i thought i may lose over a dumb oversight, the guy is ok....i took responsibility for my oversight on this inventory issue....will fix it on tues.....and watch for this more carefully.......i din't tell u guys that, but that was another "scare" for me,  it happened last Fri....dunno if i had gone on "rest mode" yet or not, but yea, this last 1/2 of this year has been REAL bad......i tell me   life changes and so will this, but i do have my fear and weak times......now i run to my sponsor work the steps and just try to ride it out as best as i can.......i do cry...i do "emote" as needed, but now i share w/my close, trusted loved ones to get perspective on what can i do to help me...

have a great sunday....today is on and off rain...........good day for meditating......