The material presented
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I am sick today. Physically. Something has been going around. I hate this feeling. Stuck in bed. Cant do anything. Cant eat, Cant exercise. Its a beautiful day out to.
My dad went to rehab for the 2nd time on Thursday. I was out, so he left a voicemail saying bye. He was clearly slurring. Great to see hes taking it seriously.......
This could simply be the cold talking, but this has got me thinking about my life and all the frustrations that I am feeling. Look, I know I am blessed in so many ways and would not want that taken away. But I need help. I need help financially, emotionally, and I am fed up with my life. I am tired of feeling like I am struggling to maintain mediocrity. Noone looks at me in awe. Noone is impressed. Noone cares. Is breaking the cycle really worth it? All its got me is a lonely frustrated life spending all my time at repetitive al-anon meetings. What is the point of all this?
I am tired of the alcoholic, tired of watching everyone else be happy, tired of watching happy couples, tired of feeling like I am scraping by. Tired of feeling like I have no support. Tired of believing in something, in some dream that, its clear is not meant to be.
Growing up, life felt so fake. It felt like we were putting up a giant facade. We moved into the rich part of town so it could seem like we were someone. But we could never afford anything. It was all in the name of getting the approval of the cool kids. For years, up until recently I felt I needed to compete for approval.
I am fed up. I know I am a success story and dont need all of you to pat me on the back. For a bamboo tree to soar it needs the roots to be planted early. Yet, you pick up the newspaper and read about new grads making way more than you, living at home, and how great theyre doing. Its easy to ask why am I doing this? What is the payoff? What am I building here? What did I go through all this for? Mediocrity? This all seems like a giant waste of time.
Hi, Jim. Sorry you're sick and at home on a beautiful day. Glad you're Dad is going to rehab, too. I don't have any answers for you that you haven't received before now, so I'll just say I understand, I'm sorry you're ill, I hope you feel better soon, and things often look pretty dim when I'm very sick. I'll be praying for your HP to heal you and to give you the answer as to why you go through all this if there is one for you. (((SJ)))
Wow do I ever know where your coming from. I mean my situation was different. There was no living in the spendy part of town for us, but always looking and comparing yourself to others? Yep, did that.
Thing is, right now when you're sick and tired and with some bug that's going around, you are very vulnerable to the stinkin' thinkin' that we all go through sometimes. This is really not the time to dwell on this stuff(not that anytime really is). Now is the time to stay out of judgement and take extra good care of yourself. Get more rest, eat well if you can, take a soothing hot bath if that's what you need, call your sponsor or an Al--Anon friend who will listen or make you some soup. Do whatever it is that that small, innocent, confused little boy inside needs to feel better today. That is what will help today.
((((((((((((((((Jim)))))))))))))))))))
Life will look better tomorrow.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
When I have those thoughts, which is all too often, I know it is my depression talking.
Part of it is that I think, "When I get X and Y, I'll be able to be happy. But all those other people have X and Y and they're so hard for me to get. I feel hopeless."
Granted some things make a big difference in happiness. Not knowing where your next paycheck is coming from, not having a secure place to live -- those are stressful for everyone but saints.
But in ordinary lives where some of those things are okay, the payoffs actually come from day-to-day living. The little pleasures of every day. A nice cup of coffee, sharing a joky moment with a clerk, looking at the fall leaves, a hot shower. Those things have the power to give us pleasure unless our minds are so distracted by fear, self-blame, brooding on the past, worry about the future, etc. (I plead guilty.)
I've been reading this new book Hardwired for Happiness (or some title like that) and it talks about how we developed to take the bad more seriously than the good. Because if you ignore the lion in the bushes, you get eaten. So you imagine it's a lion a thousand times for every time that it is, you protect yourself that one dangerous time. But this fear and hypervigilance can interfere with other processes, like staying serene. So he talks about how to notice and savor the good parts of the day. I started noticing that I didn't feel any good parts of my day. The coffee, the clerk, the leaves, the shower -- I marched through them, but the shouting in my head was so loud that they meant nothing to me. So I'm trying to back away from the shouting.
I'm glad you're feeling better now. You're not alone. I suspect that most people we meet have tried to be something they're not - we're not? And the crazy thing about this play-acting to me is this: Who we're trying to be can't hold a candle to who we truly are. That's the gift of HP's program - Al-Anon - to us. A way to find and be ourselves again. It's not so much where we've come from - it's more about where we are and where we want to go. None of us make it through childhood unscathed. We're all wounded people. We're all capable of healing and helping others heal, too. One of the things I had to learn in my early 30s was that life and people didn't owe me anything, but I owed myself the gift of being myself. The payoff in that for me has been a much more grounded person with flaws, but grounded and healthy all the same. It sounds to me like you're on the cutting edge of making some changes in your life again, SJ? Can your sponsor help you with this? I know my mentors were a great help to me in making these kinds of necessary changes and other people that I trusted.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 12th of October 2013 09:41:48 PM
What's the payoff of not working and just giving up? Ask your dad.
Also Jim, you might not have the drinking part of this disease but sometime the isolation you inflict on yourself and the negative thinking look like isms. Probably sone of the same thoughts your father has about life and I know you are not trying to emulate him.
I can't think the way you describe cuz I will pick up. I'm not sure what allowing negativity to wash over you does to you, but I don't think you can afford it either.
So, the payoff of your work is self respect, serenity, self sufficiency...the list goes on. What's the pay off of negative thinking? Isolation, loneliness, jealousy, fear? You want that?
I was feeling run down a couple days ago and when I don't feel good everything seems harder and my perspective is more negative than normal. Hopefully like me when you feel better things will all seem right and positive again for the most part. Sending you love and support!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I need help financially, emotionally, and I am fed up with my life. I am tired of feeling like I am struggling to maintain mediocrity. Noone looks at me in awe. Noone is impressed. Noone cares. Is breaking the cycle really worth it? All its got me is a lonely frustrated life spending all my time at repetitive al-anon meetings. What is the point of all this?
Wow Jim I do think that a 4th step and 5th might be in order. Alanon asks us to focus on ourselves and to practice spiritual principles in all our affairs so we can do HP's will with courage, serenity and wisdom and treat our fellow travelers with courtesy and respect That is enough. Program nor HP guarantees that we will be admired, looked at in awe or move beyond appearing mediocre to the outside world. This is an inside job and wherever HP places me is where he demands that I grow.
I am so sorry you are ill and in this depressing place. Prayers
I slept for most of the day and feel better now. What's really prompted a lot of this is some analysis I've been doing about my recovery.
We grew up in one city and had to move because my father couldn't find employment. When we moved it was imperative we move to 'Rockfort' (made that up), which was an upper-class suburb of our new city. This gave everyone the impression back home that we were 'moving up' and not moving because we had to.
So, here we were in this place, but we could never afford anything. My parents hitting up their kids for money.....I was lied to. I felt like my life was a giant lie. No wonder my parents never thought we were good enough, they created a situation where we couldn't possibly be. They tried to hide it all.
I mean no wonder I never felt I fit in. My whole life I tried to be something that I wasn't. For years I've been trying to show people I am something I am not.
Well I am tired of that and I need to accept where I've come from.
Hello Jim - here is what your post brings to my mind. I'm tired today; I work 6-7 days a week to get by supporting myself and my grown daughter while she works on college; I rise and shine at 5 am and my last job doesn't end until 7:30 pm 4 days a week; every other Saturday I'm on at a store smiling at customers and putting up with some I would rather just lock the doors for; Today was such a day, I love some of the customers but some of them, they try my patience! Some days I am so worn out I sit in my spot on the couch and feel the blood throb through my body, try to have some tv time with my daughter before giving up and going to bed; I don't sleep well, I wake several times every night and groan when the alarm rings - but I rise and shine because I know that regardless of how tired and beat down I sometimes feel (which brings that melancholy loneliness that makes me wish for someone's shoulder to lay my head on), I am so much better off now than I was when I was embroiled in the sickness of the disease.
I don't compare my life to anyone elses because I know that I don't see everything about their life - do I want their life if it means putting up with ______________? One friend has a good life, good paying job, owns a lot of stuff but her husband - NO THANK YOU! If having a life like hers means having a husband like hers, I'll pass. When we look at other's lives we are only seeing what they allow us to see. When I look at MY life - I see it in its entirety - I see that no one yells at me, no one bullies me, nobody threatens abandonment, I have money in the bank, no creditors calling and I do what I want without having to make apologies for anything I do. I see my life in its entirety - the lessons learned from my past, my present day satisfaction at living in incredible peace and quiet - when someone asks why I don't have someone in my life its easy and honest to say "because I don't have a void in my life that needs to be filled"; and hope for a better future supported by what I've garnered from the past.
Tonight in my town is an event which a whole lotta people in town are attending, I'm not, no fun alone and I'm ok with that. My car's "service engine soon" light came on which has always meant at least $800 to fix, oh joy. Tomorrow I get to test drive a bus I haven't driven before and work on office paperwork half the morning when what I really want to do is drink coffee and curl up on the couch all day. And I'm tired, feeling a bit melancholy because no one wants to take me to the ball, but I know its because I'm tired that I'm feeling the melancholies. I could let the fact that my car needs work and I'm not sure where to stretch to get the dough bring me down but its just life.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
When I get sick I get down. I guess boredom gives me time to be introspective so I dive in. The problem is (just did this all week) when I look too close it's depressing! Debt, marriage issues, tax issues, stress at work, kids in their addiction, loss , health issues etc.
when I get in that pool of stinking thinking I thrash around and splash those close enough with 'yuck' (just ask my husband) and actually make matters worse!
Now that I'm feeling a little better I see that my problem is my focus. We women know that if we use the magnifying side of a mirror to apply makeup it's only for a few minutes. If we had to see ourselves up close (magnified) most of us would be horrified by the flaws. I just realized this today, I can flip the magnifying mirror over to 'normal view' and the flaws seem less noticeable. I can choose to look with the magnifier and be very depressed very fast....or I can choose to flip the mirror!
Hope this helps.
K
__________________
More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
Glad to hear you've had a rest and are feeling better. I know that when I'm tired the depressive gremlins creep in - and boy do they make a racket!
I think that some of our best inventions come from a degree of dissatisfaction and enquiry - but when I let my imagination put me down, or when I project onto others thoughts that are really about my own self view I can so easily get carried away and then it is only natural that my own thinking makes me depressed. Within that realisation I found the power to make some changes.
So I try to remember to be aware of what I'm doing to myself and if I catch those thoughts I look at them, ask myself 'how am I with that?'. 9 times out of 10 the answer would be 'uncomfortable'. So then I tell myself to stop that thought. Slowly, slowly I find that I am able to dismiss the depressive thoughts with more ease and btw if there is anything useful going on in my thinking (rare!) then I put together a plan to take action. That might mean that I just give myself a soothing treat or it might mean that I try to make a change to introduce a new interest in my life.
Like you I have lived in wealthy areas and also in regions where money has practically no bearing. Wealthy folks are, in my experience, just folk. With all the normal insecurities etc Some of them are nice, some of them are not, and sometimes they have more fear because they think that they have more to loose. I saw lots of people when I was in my teens who joined the tennis club for reasons that did not involve hitting a ball (just an example). I also saw some people who were richly rewarded for doing their jobs well and yet they remained humble and considerate human beings and appreciated how lucky they were to enjoy nice sheets on their bed (just another example!) I think that honesty makes life so much simpler and easier to enjoy.
I can think this way often and it's tied in with immaturity. This idea that the world owes us something and that we had the worst childhood ever. It's nonsense Jim. Our parents made decisions based on what they new at the time. It never worked out well but no-one is perfect. Not until we let go of selfpity and accept our parents as humans with faults will we make progress in our program. Time for us to grow up.x
Agree with elcee. Sometimes I know parents scrape their pennies to live in the poor area of a good neighborhood just so their kids can go to better schools. Would those kids then have reason to be wounded by comparison? If you dwell too much in the past, it just starts turning into neurosis and making up reasons to feel crappy. Doesnt matter if the reasons are legit or not. Who wants to feel crappy and victimized? More than the need to accept where you come from is a need to be a person that you accept and are comfortable with today. Enjoy your life today as much as you can and try to live in the present. When betty suggested 4th and 5th step on this its so it can stay in the past. Let it go.
Re-reading my post I can see that I didn't like what I wrote, but it was how I felt at the time.
I mentor a former alumnus from my school over linkedin. We were chatting today and I've come to realize that my higher power has blessed me in so many ways that I cannot even name. He has definitely been looking after me.
I am turning 30 soon and to many that is not a big number, but it is a milestone. I will say that I am where I thought I'd be at 30, but I am really questioning where I go from here. I've been doing a lot of analysis about my life.
Pinkchip, I agree. This isn't the first time I've had these freakouts. It's funny because my dad is prone to them as well. I consider myself very blessed that I don't turn to the bottle and that it never even crosses my mind. I have actually lost an al-anon friend because of them as I would turn to them, but they just weren't interested in hearing it and understandably. I don't call my sponsor with them. Honnestly, I would much rather do it here than in real-time.
