The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
WELCOME TO M IRACLES IN PROGRESS. I AM GLAD THAT YOU REACHED OUT AND SHARED. GOOD NEWS YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
WE WHO LIVE WITH OR HAVE LIVED WITH THE DISEASE OF ALCOHOLISM UNDERSTAND AS FEW OTHERS CAN. WE BELIEVE THAT ALCOHOLISM IS A PROGRESSIVEE FATAL DISEASE OVER WHICH WE ARE POWERLESS.
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LIVING WITH THIS DISEASE, EVEN WHEN THE ACTIVE DRINKING ENDS ,EFFECTS US IN A VERY NEGATIVE MANNER. WE REQUIRE A PROGAOM OF RECOVERY IN ORDER TO ATTEMPT TO LEARN NEW WAYS TO RESPOND TO LIFE. ALANON AND THIS BOARD REPRESENTS THIS PROGRAM OF RECOVERY.
SEARCH OUT THE FACE TO FACE MEETINGS IN YOUR COMMUNITY AND ATTEND. THE HOT LINE NUMBER IS FOUND IN THE WHITE PAGES.
KEEP COMING BACK HERE AND SHARING . THERE IS HOPE
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 12th of October 2013 07:25:15 AM
Hi, I just found this site last night and joined. I hope this site can help me. Here's my story...I had a very happy childhood, youngest of 3 older brothers. No one in my family ever yelled at each other or called us names. I was shocked and devastated when he first did that. What was going on? My Mother did a great job raising us as a single parent. I don't drink, never have, I don't smoke never have. I have been married to my recovering A for 21 years, my first marriage his second. He has never drank since I have known him. I had no idea what I was getting into, he was working his program until shortly after we were married. He slowly stopped going to AA meetings, said he didn't need them anymore, that they were for those that were dealing with the "mental" part of the addiction and once he got over the "physical" addiction he had no desire to drink so he didn't need to continue. I knew NOTHING about this, so who am I to argue with him and he let me know that. I just had no idea before that what was going on with him and his crazy thinking and reoccurring rages, the name calling and the blaming. I learned much later he is and has been a dry drunk. I thought it was something I was doing as that's what he said, it was my fault for whatever was making him explode at the time, so I tried to do better but of course that didn't work. From the time we got married until about 2008 it wasn't as bad because he was in his garage working and I had my job and the house. We were only together evenings for a few hours. After the crash of 2008 and we literally lost everything, my business, and our home, the only thing we had was our Motorhome which we also knew we would lose but at least we had someplace to live for a while. In 2010 AH had to have open heart surgery. He literally almost died, was in a coma for 21 days during which time the neurologist told me twice that IF he survived he would not be able to care for himself, feed himself, etc. and that I should really consider pulling his life support. His surgeon asked me to wait that he had seen people recover and so I did wait. Needless to say he did recover, today he is about 80% of where he was before the surgery. His memory is not good due to the lack of oxygen but most people would not notice. It seems the addictions have really taken hold, he is not listening to his Dr.'s, he started smoking again (he was told that was suicide) but he ignores that and continues. He said he does it because he enjoys it and because he knows I HATE it.
Since the surgery and still living in a 5th wheel, (not all bad, got to go south in the winter) his verbal abuse (nothing physical) and depression, and rage outbursts were getting worse. This spring when we were back home (I knew I had family here and support) and going through yet another rage, I told him that was it, I was not going to go anywhere with him again unless he got help and I saw a dramatic change. I have seen some change but not enough, and his therapist agrees. It was also during this time of arriving "home" that I found a name for this abuse, Verbal Abuse (had no idea, it had a name and there were books on it, which I have read many!) at this point I am just trying to survive the VA, but now I had a name for it! Needless to say my stress level for the past several years has been over the top and constant. I know I'm at a critical time for me, my health, I am at my limit and I have to get healthy for me, I am exhausted all the time. I wake up tired. I used to wake up happy! I used to be so optimistic, I used to laugh, all that is gone.
He admitted he had a problem, we found a Therapist that he agreed to go to and has and I have gone with him to couples and some individual therapy. It is helping the daily living BUT he is not doing the "tough" work he needs to do. I still walk on eggshells. The therapist has helped me and told me to get involved with Al-Anon so here I am.
I didn't know where I was going to go but I knew I couldn't go south with him. An answer to that prayer came when a friend said I could house sit for them all winter! So I decided to accept, he has decided to go south alone. It will be good to have the separation. I need to heal, and now realize I am a shell of what I used to be and I need to get "me" back.
With that said I'm stressed about him leaving alone, he wants that because no one will be "watching" him and he will do whatever he wants like smoke more, gambling etc. He is very impulsive and I'm worried about finances that we will share. I can't believe anything he tells me because he lies to me all the time now. He didn't used to lie till after his surgery and he started smoking again and now it seems everything is a secret. I am angry, he has hurt me to my core. Funny it is his behavior, his addictions, and yet I'm the one moving out, I have to go through winter up here, I'm missing out seeing the wonderful friends I've made down south, the ones that have kept me sane the past 3 years. He is going back there. He gets to have fun. Yes I chose to stay back because I can't take the VA and the dry drunk behavior, yes I will get to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with my elderly Mom and Dad which is priceless, but it is still not fair on so many levels. How do I get past this? The anger, the resentment, the pain, the fear?
Also I really need help with this, he said he is going to tell the people down there that I decided no to come because I wanted to be with my Mom and because I was am doing my friends a favor by housesitting! Really? He wants to put it all on me? It is his behavior, his abuse, that is the reason I'm not going, but he doesn't want anyone to know that. Of course he still wants to keep that hidden, but everything I have read says stop the hiding, don't lie about it. I do not want to lie about it, what do I do????
Sorry this is so long, thank you for reading. Any help or suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
The shadow of night is passing over the East Coast of the USA and covering the country. I feel a bit like the janitor here... ...but I am still here because ah live way over in the South Pacific...
...there is a great crew here, and many will be back in the morning... lol...
...but remember ma'am, you are not alone. All of us have been in your shoes, one way or another... believe me.
Aloha "C" and welcome to the board. You are in the right place and this is family. This isn't an approved Al-Anon site however most of us here are program members and can give to you that which we got in Al-Anon for free also. The hot-line number for Al-Anon in your area can be found in the white pages of your local telephone book...call that number and find out where and when we get together in your area. "Dry drunking" yeppers there is such a thing. Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and I was told by an early sponsor that if I wasn't recovering on all levels all at the same time; I wasn't recovering. I believe that to be true. Not drinking and being abusive is not recovering. Alcoholics who are right on in their program wouldn't think of abusing anyone in anyway and one reason is that the behavior would upset their relationship not only with the other person and also with their Higher Power...a god of their own choosing. Verbal abuse is also a key element in violent behavior. As a former Alternatives to Violence mens' case manager I would write TROs against any of my cases if they resorted to that behavior with their spouse or anyone else.
Al-Anon is a twelve step, twelve tradition, slogan and spiritual philosophy supported program. It is almost identical to AA except we do not have the problem with alcohol itself and do have many problems with the alcoholic. After awhile we can become as sick or sicker than the alcoholic without positive support from others who have experienced what we have and have also experienced what to do about it.
I hope you stick around here and also look up that hotline number and get to the face to face meetings in your area. You will be amazed at what you find there for yourself. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Welcome, so glad you found us. We too have lived with or are friends to alcoholics. Being family and friends of we see many of the same traits you are describing, impulsive, more addictions then just drinking, hearing lies, the list goes on and on. It's truly a disease of selfishness as if you didn't have your hands full already with his handicap from the recent surgery. Please feel free to stick around and read some of the other posts here. There are also online meetings for Al-anon every day & night of the week, seven days a week. Know that there is hope so you don't have to feel like you're carrying all of the burden. Keep coming back. The three C's that saved me when I arrived were hearing and learning and now knowing...I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it.
Welcome Cindy, you have found a good place here.
I also put up with emotional abuse for far too long and did not notice how mere words were affecting me so I think that your awareness is great. I found it really helpful to go to alanon face to face meetings - there was no judgement there, just understanding and empathy and folks who were finding a balance that I admired. I also saw with my own eyes the tiredness of others who were affected by living with an alcoholic and that helped me to learn to look after myself and to work at restoring my optimism. Having put up with abuse for a long time it is a learning curve for me to live without it - sometimes I feel strangely anxious and at a loss without all that drama. But I don't miss it one bit and I'm grateful to be finding myself again.
I hope you keep coming back, you are amongst friends.
You have found a good place to share with people who care. Al anon has really helped me see both myself and my son and husband more clearly and to realize that I am not responsible for their addictions and really can do nothing about them. I am wondering if the man you knew before his coma is the same man you know now. Oxygen deprivation does terrible things to the brain and personality. You have not changed in your love for him but he may just not be the same guy you first loved. It sounds almost as if he is in the beginning stages of dementia . Maybe this separation will be the very best thing for you as you can see things more clearly with him out of the picture. However, for your own sake, disentangle your finances before he goes as it sounds as if his lack of impulse control is now running his show.
Hi. Welcome to MIP. You've gotten lots of good experience, strength, hope and information already. I just want to ditto what the others have said and say hello.
I want to suggest something others haven't mentioned yet. Anyone who used to be an A (alcoholic) and isn't active in a recovery program is at great risk of being a dry drunk and continuing on with the same dysfunctional, abusive behaviors. So there is definitely a seat in the fellowship for you!
But it sounds as if there's possible another issue going on with your husband too. The fact that some of these things didn't develop until after the surgery and coma suggests to me that he had some brain damage during that episode. You say his memory is about 80%, so that confirms that he's not back to his old strength. It could be that some of his inhibiting-abilities are down. After certain kinds of brain damage, some people do things they never would have done before: swearing up a storm, saying inappropriate things, acting out sexually -- even pillars of the community who never would have done that. What I'm suggesting is that maybe before the surgery, he had the mental power to be more on top of his alcoholic impulsiveness, and now he simply doesn't.
Would that mean he gets a free pass? Absolutely not, for several reasons. One is that those behaviors are still damaging to himself and others. Just as people who are bi-polar or schizophrenics need to accept help and learn to manage their conditions, people with brain damage need to as well. It's a big challenge. One of the biggest parts of it is that part of the condition is not believing you have a problem.
The other reason he doesn't get a free pass is that you still have to cope with it. Many people in Al-Anon have A's with other conditions as well, from bi-polar to Asperger's to ADD to what have you. People with conditions like that sometimes "self-medicate" with alcohol so it stands to reason there would be an overlap in the problems. Anyway, there will be many people here who have walked in your shoes. And all of us are here to figure out how to live good lives although we're close to people who've been swept into the insanity of alcoholism.
I do wonder if there's some kind of national organization of spouses of people who have some level of brain damage. They might have other useful insights and resources. Here is a BBC article about a man whose anger spiralled out of control after brain damage: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3146941.stm. There's been a lot of research on this in the past few years. I'm thinking there might be more information on these syndromes that could be useful for you in knowing how to move forward.
Furkidsmom, think about it, you have a place to stay all winter, and no verbal abuse with him gone. You have a time to think, read, and work on yourself, spirituality etc. It is just for the winter, just temporary. Ask yourself why would you want to live with verbal abuse ever? You have no control over him whether he is with you or without you period. If the good out weighs the bad go for it.
Meanwhile find out who you are again, and what you want your life to look like.....Welcome and keep us posted, there are many who have good experience to share and who really care. .....OG
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
Thank you all that replied, it is good to hear all the advice, caring and support I can't tell you how much it helps to know there are people that really understand the absolute craziness I have been going through.
I will definitely look for a f2f meeting in the area I will be living. Its hard for me to "put myself" out there, going to any kind of meetings where there are groups of people is hard for me, but I know I have to do it, for me. It's hard for me to even say that, it sounds selfish to do something for myself and that is the last thing I am, I have always put others first. But for now it has to me.
Thank you ALL again!
Welcome !!!! I think you have been given a gift, somewhere peaceful to live this winter. Take the time to find you, and spend time with your mom and dad, enjoy the simple things. We will be here (((HUGS)))
Yes. Welcome...
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