I find peace when I am able to put things into perspective. The path I have travelled and where it is I stand right now.

Married at 18 and divorced by 21. I was impatient (I have recently acknowledged my impatience in a lot of things)and wanted a family. After I found out I was not able to get pregnant. I wanted to adopt or foster. My husband said there was no way in h*** he would raise another mans child. Heart broken and devastated I fell into a deep depression. I woke up one day and packed my car and left.

One year later I met my ex A. He had a 2 yr old daughter and we crashed into each others lives like meteors. I thought for the longest time we were "soul mates". Oh boy did I ever get wake up call to just how far I would allow someone to mistreat me. I became pregnant and he became more addicted to his alcohol and drugs. I left. I went back to school and got a college diploma before my daughter turned 2. In the meantime ex A had not met his daughter till she was 6 months old. Eventually he cleaned up and got a job and we began to function as a family. Short lived. He relapsed. He came back...blah blah blah. 2 Years later I became prego with my second daughter. 3 months after she was born he relapsed again. We tried for 6 months to work things out. It was time I pulled away from him. I was very very sick for a very long time. I was addicted to him. I see that now.

 He continues in his insanity. I don't harbour hatred towards him. I always felt sorry for him. I still continue to support him when he chooses recovery and he now stays away when he is into it again. This weekend I am picking up my step daughter (very loving relationship has been built...she is my daughter from another mother...her mother and I have become friends..another long story.lol) We will be spending the night at ex A's mothers house. One of my dearest friends whom I hold very close to my heart. I do not wish to teach my children hatred. I  have always supported building a solid relationship between my children and his family. In hopes that their foundation is built upon love and acceptance that it will not crumble in the worst of storms.

I am thankful to have been blessed with giving birth to a 3rd daughter. My current A's sister has been incredible and has voiced once very quietly that she feels as if though that she may not be able to have children so being with my daughters fills her with some comfort. We have so many wonderful memories with A. Although I sort through and remind myself that the reality now is that I need to save myself. I will not drown trying to save him. It is out of my hands. One day at a time.

My ex husband and I  have communicated frequently and he now has a daughter too. He is happy in his relationship. We are friends. One day we will have our "coffee" we have been talking about for years. I have some amends to make with him. He claims he has some to make with me also. My heart smiles now. No regrets. Just an understanding and an acceptance of what is.

I forgive myself because I am grateful for all the beautiful gifts that life has given. I would not have it, had I not travelled the road I did.

I am grateful for Al anon and MIP so that it helps me see things much more clearly then before.

Those are some of my blessings. Those are some of the gifts from my HP. I have seen him all around me so much more these days. I am humbled by his gifts.

I will run and not be weary, I shall walk and not faint

In love and support

M