The material presented
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Okay. So firstly I am going to start attending some Al-Anon meetings. My mind is a mess right now and I need help. I've already reached out and scheduled an appt with my old therapist as well...
And that's a good place to start... you see... about a year ago I met with my therapist and said I wanted my ex-girlfriend of three years back. She asked why she was an ex and I replied that she can be very abusive when she drinks... name calling, yelling, occasionally breaking things... sometimes in front of people and sometime not. Then there's the stuff that doesn't directly affect me like driving drunk, slurring words and saying rude things to others, being so hungover she can't get out of bed to be productive in ANY way. Of course she had told me that she had gotten it under control and that we would have a baby, move into the new house I bought, and be happy forever...
That didn't happen. On this second go around we only got about 6 months in. The cycle started over again. She would drink to much... and go into an almost manic episode every two weeks and scream her head off at me. I was chased out of my home several times due to this. Most of the time I would just grin and bear it.
She's a mess. Shes in debt 80k, no real job, has moved in with a new guy after a month, still drinking regularly... and I still can't let her go. She's also 43 and is on the cusp of not being able to have kids which I really really want to experience.
This is so hard. The good times when we laughed just echo in my mind all day. The fierce beast she becomes when drinking is just harder and harder to picture the more I miss her.
Today I screwed up. It had been about 10 days and I sent her a text saying that I miss her greatly. She said she misses me too but that I broke her heart and that she's moved on... but then she said she wanted to grab a drink next week. Ugh.
I'm so torn. A huge part of me thinks I was too controlling and that this new guy will be perfect and she'll get her stuff together.
I'm hurting. I really am not sure if ANYTHING is going to prevent this kind of abuse in the future. Was maybe thinking we could see a therapist together and work it out, but that's probably a pipe dream. This negative behavior she exhibits all ties in with her having too many drinks... and I simply don't see that changing unless she really wants it to... and even then its a REAL longshot.
The grieving process is brutal. I like to think of myself as a strong person, but in moments like this I realize I'm Codependent and a total Love Addict.
If it weren't for the alcohol we'd be so happy. I know many people on these boards have said the exact same thing. I'd give it all up just to be with her and sober.... but I don't see that happening really... god it makes me so sad to not have her by my side...
Sweetie, keep going to therapy and take care of you!!! This is your opportunity to NOT get involved and hurt more!! Trust me, take it! I know you are going to do what you feel is best for you but think long and hard! If I had the chance to not get involved with an A I soooo would have taken it. All you want, kids, house and all, there is someone out there right for you!!!! You have to let go so you can find her though
Take care wish you luck
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
I wish an alcoholic had the ability to step back and say OMG I am hurting the one I love and the one that loves me, I am not going to do this anymore. But they cant, at least while they are active. And as you know, she has to want to stop and get help. We all feel the pain in different ways. Some choose to leave, some stay and some just deal with it and they are ok with that. You have a choice right now. Keep reading some of these posts and ask if this is what you really want to deal with. XOXOX
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
I feel your agony all too well. Being addicted to them really sucks. Being away from them is like going through withdrawal. You tell yourself its not so bad and you neglect your needs almost completely to feel that "high". Thank goodness this is a journey and no major decisions need to be made today. Just for today I will love myself. H.A.L.T. I will eat properly if I am Hungry (nourish your body). If I am Angry, I will practice letting it go and sending my worries to my HP for guidance. If I am lonely, I will reach out to others (here on MIP is a really good start). If I am Tired, I will rest.
In support
M
And since it has not been said when she left she took her behaviors and addiction with her... This other man cannot help her recover..she will be the same with him.....she will be no better with him, to him. Etc. ...only she can choose recovery, I hope this gives you the peace of mind to take care of you and work your recovery program for you.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
The Alanon meetings, sponsor, working the program ... all of it, it really does make a difference. Listen.. I use to hate when I would be venting and somebody in the program would say to me, "Have you been getting to meetings?" Ya know why? Because I didn't really want to sit in the rooms and work the steps particulary the 4th and 5th steps. I had magical thinking and thought if my hp really loved me my hp would make the person of my choice love me back because I loved them so much. After all wasn't it my hp that brought me and exah together? I figured if that was so, that same hp owed me to keep us together with no work involved. Did I mention that I thought I could do all the program work for the two of us and thought that would be enough? I had to learn about doing the footwork for myself after letting a few more active A walk over me and away from me. I had to learn to stop trying to be "the one," for people who couldn't even be there for themselves. God knows I couldnt be there for myself back then either. I know how much her leaving is hurting you. I know what it's like to be dumped for the first available warm place to keep using alcohol and drugs without being bugged by somebody. I wish I'd known then what I know today that rejection is god'd protection. Whether it's a romantic attachment, love of a child who is still out there using or affected by someone who is using, other family member or a beloved friend who isn't getting sober, it hurts to see people we feel so deeply for still out there using.
There's a reading we have in one of the Alanon little readers that talks about putting the oxygen mask on yourself first. You say at the end of your post ..
If it weren't for the alcohol we'd be so happy. I know many people on these boards have said the exact same thing. I'd give it all up just to be with her and sober.... but I don't see that happening really... god it makes me so sad to not have her by my side...
Only hp knows.
Maybe take a breath and let hp lead for awhile. ((((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I can relate to how you feel. I hear you in your own words saying she's not stopping and I don't see how this can ever work. But when she is sober those times are special and you feel that you have a special connection. Now that I've separated 3 months from my ABF of 4 years, i miss him but I love having time to take care of myself now instead of being in anxiety and crisis all the time. He was really angry when i told him to LEAVE, he threatened me and was ANGRY... but now he is silent.. I guess he has gone to another enabler.. his MOM introduced me to him because I am a perfect codependent enabler.. now she will say Don't worry Honey I will find a new enabler girlfriend for you.. she's so afraid he will die that's why she keeps enabling him..
you in your own words and me in my own words are both saying, this isn't working... i just need the STRENGTH and COURAGE to have HP show me the way out and KEEP me out of it, don't let me go back into it... even though my qualifier is "gone", i'm still obsessed about him in my head all day and all nite every day and every nite. i have anxiety and insomnia and anger and bitterness, and missing him, and depressed and confusion but I just keep going. i tried to call him thankfully his phone was shut off because I didn't pay the bill! it's better that I don't talk to him now. i hope i can make amends with him later.. one day at a time. And i reach out to alanon people to help me with the isolation... I wish you strength! sorry I guess I am venting here too.
Thanks to all who wrote back on this. It's going to be a very hard road I think. I've gone to one Al-Anon meeting but plan on going to more. I can't believe how obsessed my head is now. I'm pining away for a woman that is an alcoholic and won't change unless she makes that decision. I have no control over her to make this choice. The only choice I do have is leaving the abuse which I did...
Part of me still thinks magically... that it was going to go away if I had given her another chance. That it was going to go away if she got therapy. In truth she went to someone, but it was not your standard therapist. It was a type that tries to realign your chakras or something. One visit and you're cured. This wasn't even for her drinking, it was for her smoking. Didn't work either btw. I asked her point blank if she actually spoke to the person regarding us and if she was going to go back. It was a no. I'm fine. I begged her to see someone on a regular basis to talk through her anger and addictions but she wouldn't go...
I think the main things you all wrote that stuck with me were:
1) I need to work on myself to make sure I don't wind up with the same personality type in the future.
2) This behavior isn't going away. The next guy is going to have to deal with it.
3) If you had the chance to not be involved with an A, you would have taken it.
Some other things I've read are that this disease gets progressively worse with time and that it is often related to other psychological maladies. I already thought she might be somewhat bipolar which fits... and then when I realize she bases her identity around her looks in a huge way. They're fading rapidly which is only going to lead to more depression, more drinking, and more abuse for me.
I was always told- "there are plenty more fish in the sea". But not this one. No.