The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am trying to get someone to email me back to see if they have live online chat (voice) on here I cannot tell from reading. I want to attend a beginners. I cannot go to the face to face because they are ALL at 11AM during the week :( I see they do have regular chat, which I could try but I wonder if I get a beginners pack and all? A little confused on how the online part works.
So Tom and I had a really good talk last night went WAY better than I thought. It is funny how you are ready for the fight..... and he was pretty shocked when I said my first boundary.... but wasn't mad and actually said.... GOOD! Almost like he was waiting for me to stop taking it? I don't know. I didn't respond when he said that.
He does want to get night and book or tools for reading material on the dry drunk that maybe able to boost along with meetings. And he brought it up!!!! The simple fact he wants to go has to be a good sign. Any suggestions? I was thinking of a MOOD / emotion type of thing because as well all know dry drunk effects every part of them. He started looking on line last night but got frustrated, he isn't good on the computer. So we looked on AA last night but nothing about dry drunk and not much pulled up on line. Any suggestions at all for this?
FYI - insight you prob all know. AA (the people he has attended meetings with) thinks Al Anon just bashes alcoholics and their loved ones. :) He was sharing a lot last night and that part came up. I told him it isn't like that at all!!! He was really relieved because he wasn't sure what this was about and why I wanted to be on here. I showed him some things and he said Al Anon is better than AA, not fair LOL I am only saying this because if your A is thinking Al Anon is about bashing them and hating them maybe they need to know what it really is about. He felt better because he know I have no one but him and my therapist to talk to about this (my friends and family do not know). And he said at least maybe I won't cry as much now and he wants me to feel better about all of this. NOTE: that doesn't mean he is off the hook of getting help LOL
He also said last night he might want to try a different group not AA, as he explained before and again last night. AA at least in our area the people who attend most of them end up fantasizing about them using and the meeting go away from what they started as and the speaker doesnt really reel people back in. He used to go to the Yellow house in Rochester LOVED IT but the good people as he called them weeded out and the young fantasizing type started pouring in.THEN they started bringing in youth buses to the meetings.He tried a couple by our house but once he started to get close feeling there they started bussing people in there as well. It seems when he finds a cozy place it changes or the people he gets used to stops going (which I know happens).I guess where I am going with this is.
He was talking about trying Smart Recovery online or something along those lines. He mentioned this to me last night on his own.I am not against ANY help he wants to get, but it is confusing for them to switch from AA for years to something totally different?Smart Recovery is a 4 step?This might be a silly question I am just wondering if anyone has insight.ALSO, he was looking for AA online LIVE voice like I am, all AA sent him in the mail is a bunch of websites (mainly for woman) and they are typing chat rooms.He cant type!!!He would never be able to keep up in a typing meeting.Does anyone on here know if AA offers an online VOICE meeting option? Being he is trying makes me happy I just dont want him getting frustrated and give up.I am not doing this for him but if AA has something live on line I can at least show him how to get to it.
PHEW LOL
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
First, I want to say that this is really not your problem. If they want to get help, they will stop making excuses and get help. He is perfectly capable of finding another meeting and collecting phone numbers of people he does get along with in the event that the meeting goes downhill as you have described.
If we get too involved with their stuff fixing, handholding, etc.) we do not allow them the dignity of finding their own solutions. Finding our own solutions is part of our recovery. It gives us self confidence. I found with my A that if I just told him "I can't be your sponsor, but I know you can handle this" the solution he found was more permanent in the long run.
In AA and in Al-Anon we say"we'll love you til you learn to love yourself" I also think we learn to have confidence in other peoples ability to learn, grow and problem solve when they haven't got that confidence themselves, yet.
I know it's easy to feel like they are children who need taking care of. My AH was really good at playing that role, but it is an illusion. They are adults who deserve our respect and can learn to be responsible for themselves and esp their own recovery.
I would get myself to another meeting, call my sponsor, and read, read, read Al-Anon literature.
In support,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
The regular meetings are good for non-beginners too, and they will have the beginner's packs there also. I know how many things prevented me from starting to get involved with Al-Anon -- plus the first meeting I went to was the most boring thing I had ever attended! That stopped me in my tracks for a long time. I didn't realize that every meeting is different and we have to go to a bunch till we find the one that works for us. When you go to a bunch, and maybe even find a sponsor after a while, the answers about his meetings will be clearer too. Take good care of yourself!
That's crap. Sorry to be blunt - but I'm from your area, in AA, Alanon, and ACOA - and there are LOTS of meetings. He is making excuses. If he wants to live - he will do what it takes to live. That means going to meetings and doing what's asked of him in AA if he likes it or not.
We A's - even though we're dying - somehow think we're suppose to *LIKE* and enjoy every aspect of recovery. We don't wanna do what anyone says, and we'll throw a holy tantrum and buck and scream at anything unpleasant unless we're so beat down to a bloody pulp (half the time) by this disease - that we'll finally just shut up and listen. This is why being *allowed* to hit a bottom is so necessary... and why our loved ones need support in letting us fall flat on our face. It's so very damn hard to not try and help the one you love... but we have alanon for that thank God.
For me - the thought of losing my kids was enough to wake me up to the fact that I better sit down and listen and do the things I don't want to do. Cancer patients don't like taking chemo and puking for days. I had to think of it that way. I have a disease! I don't GET TO like the treatment for it at all times... but if I want to live I must take my medicine. I go to meetings and if I don't like it - I see what I can give - instead of what I can take. I can practice patience - God knows I needed practice at that. I can look outside myself for someone to help - some way to be of service - or just practice meditating. If nothing else - just being there in support and doing nothing is still letting others know (and himself) that we're never alone in this battle. There is always some place to turn.
I guess I was lucky. I could see clearly that I was dying before I lost everything - all the balls dropped and I knew I couldn't do the juggling act anymore - so maybe your A hasn't gotten to that point just yet : ( It's not really for you to figure out - it's for him to. You can't do it for him.
Smart recovery is a great concept, and I use the concepts paired with AA. There is no fellowship for smart recovery - and thus, you are only accountable to yourself and your own thinking. I can't see how that could ever work long term considering our best thinking still gets us drunk. While using AA - the steps - the principles - a sponsor - the fellowship - the literature and everything else that AA asks of me, I am restored to sanity enough to the point where I can grasp and use Smart recovery. But AA had to get me there.
He found a AA men's only online email meeting last night, they hold it every Thurs. He did it, I didn't ask how it was or anything nor would I, if he wants to share he will. All he said was, "Well, that was different". I am not sure how much one get's out of an "email" meeting but I don't know how they work either. I get a lot out of the board, so............ I should just be happy that he did something and on his own. Right??
He got upset because I asked if we were taking the truck or car, and well, you know how it is all hell broke loose! I guess because the car is new and has a meaning of a new stat and a whole thing I didn't get. he kept explaining but I just listened and tried changing the subject. when we got home he cried and said what am I going to do...,I can't keep treating you this way or I will lose you. I didn't respond. He asked me to help him find an online meeting and I said "I can't right now but you can look if you wish". It hurts to see the one you love hurt and struggle so much and you KNOW if they would JUST get some help they would feel better. But look at me... it took me MONTHS to get on here, so........ Today is his Bday hmmmmmmmmmmm he is turning 40, wonder how tonight will be LOL
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
Good example of allowing him the respect of finding his own way while you find yours, I. You're correct in realizing it doesn't matter what he gets or doesn't get out of an e-mail meeting. It only matters if you find the help and the hope you're seeking. Glad you're here. I hope tonight's b/day celebration is a pleasant one for both of you.
I know, if he likes the email thing GREAT! Time will tell. He just texted me and said he wondered if he had any responses from last night. It is nice to see a little excitement about it anyway. He asked me last night if I liked or got anything out of me using the message boards. I said absolutely! I see I am not alone, when I write I feel better, I dont think it is enough but a start. So I think (not sure) that is why he tried the AA mens online email thing.
Thanks, he seems to be I a good mood today
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
