Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

BOUNDARIES

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I started the other way round. I went to face to face meetings then got to grips with the literature. At a meeting you will get a welcome pack, that sounds like what you are looking for. I think you could be trying to run before you can walk if you know what I mean. There are simple leaflets that you can buy on the Alanon website and there are books as well. Daily readers like One day at a time - you may get it on Amazon as well as the official site. Hope this helps.

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

Thanks el-cee. It is so hard with time and working and all to go to a meeting and get the POWER to go as well!!! But yes this helps

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

And the reason I am trying to learn a little NOW is because he called me this morning (after I told him last night about Al-Anon) and he wants to talk tonight - finally! I do not plan on getting into a lot because I have learned somewhat how to deal with him and this :) BUT, I thought maybe I could ask some questions or set some boundaries. I don't know HOW to talk to him tonight is my problem and I am grateful he wants to so I want to give it a shot!!! That is why I am asking for advise. I plan on attending a meeting I hope next week. We have his Bday party Monday, I work late Tues and Wed is our Therapy APT and Thurs we have people coming in out of town for the weekend. That is what I mean by trying to fit it in :) So there in my mind there must be something I can do until I am able to go to a meeting. Make sense? And now that he is trying to talk and open up I really want to take advantage of the offer and not blow it!! LOL

Mari1978 · Senior Member

One day someone mentioned the phrase "Let go and let God". Well what in the heck does that mean? "I" have complete control over myself and function just fine. My "A" is the one that is sick, not me. There is nothing wrong with me. He makes the bad choices and "I" have to deal with the consequences. "I" do all the housework and take care of the kids. "I" have to be careful about what "I" say or do so "I" don't set him off. "I" need help because he has made me crazy because of HIS poor choices. He used to be kind and considerate and...blah blah blah.

My name is Marijke and "I"'m addicted to my A. The more "I" wanted to fix him the more sick "I" made myself.
"I" am completely powerless over alcohol.

Your thirst for knowledge is commendable but I overindulged at the beginning and it got confusing. I also had to be aware that we each individually needed to find our own way. The shares and responses help us to put things into perspective offering information that we need to sift through to find the tools we need. Supporting one another means allowing for each of us to find the things we need when the time is right. Sometimes we need to just let life happen. Do not force recovery for yourself or your loved one.

First things first. Don't panic ;)
In love and support
M

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

Mari1978 sounds like you have come along way!!! That is GREAT! Let me ask this then.... In looking at meetings in my area, how in the heck do you know what one to go to LOL I am assuming a Beginners one but they are all in the morning and I cannot miss work. I see they offer chat ones, are these online options as helpful?

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Online is helpful. It is very convenient.
I found that the first face to face meeting was something I left thinking ..why did I wait? The people there will not judge you. You just walk through the doors and you may be surprised how quickly you learn that most were nervous at their first meeting and are almost tripping over themselves trying to make you feel comfortable. There is no right or wrong way to attend a meeting. We all start out new. We grow in helping each other. You just do it. :)

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

biggrin I have to or I will go crazy LOL

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Keep it simple.....20 questions will get you no where.

Boundaries: Few I can think of with my son.

I will not speak to you on the phone if your intoxicated. If he called drunk I said " I love you son but I can't talk to now" and hung up. Or you are not welcome to come here if you are intoxicated or you will asked to leave if you bring alcohol into my home. If you call because you want to go to the hospital don't bother because I will not help you get sober anymore. If you can call me you can call 911 if your that bad. Just a few but you get the idea.

You have to make your boundaries that you will keep and not go back on no matter what. That is the only way they will hear you and begin to listen to your needs.

Let go Let God....

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

iwantthingsback

Good question I do believe is you intend to have a honest conversation with him tonight the best way to talk to him is to explain that you have been upset and unsure about the relationship for a time Searching for answers you discovered alanon which is a fellowship of members who live with or have lived with the problem of alcoholism.

This program focuses on the person who is upset and offers new tools to live by. Some of these tools are

Keeping the Focus on yourself. This means , take care of my needs first not to get too hungry , angry, lonely or tired and then I can relate to others.

Live one day at time: Meaning do not go into the past to stir up problems or bliss or project into the future problems or outcomes. Simply stay in the day and respond honestly to whatever is going on.

Be honest about what you need and the consequence if they are not met. This is the boundary issue. For example I will not communicate with you if you are drunk. I will hang up or go home, I will not buy alcohol for you in the future etc.

Say what you mean and mean what you say an try not to say it mean.

Good luck

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

Cathyinaz and hotrod thank you - thank you!!! Everything you said made sense and I have a better understanding! I was always so afraid to say ... ok mister, no more talking to me like that because I was afraid I would put him in a worse mood. You are right!! Like I said I am dealing with the dry drunk for months, no drinking but none the less, NOT FUN, but it should be any different! I cannot allow some of his behavior.

Last night I think I did a boundary??? He got mad because I told him I created an account with Al-Anon and was going to star being active with you guys, he didn't really get mad but he walked away from me and said I was making more of this than it was (BLA BLA). And then said "I don't want you doing anything for my bday and I don't want anything, just forget my Bday" (PITTY POTTY). Normally I would get upset and respond to him and feed into this, but last night I took a deep breath and said OK, no problem, smiled and kept cooking. He had no choice but to be quiet :) So, I think if I tell him tonight as one boundary, when he says things like that or anything that hurts me that I choose NOT to respond or engage in that particular conversation. Am I on the right track? WOW this isn't easy, awareness is not easy! :)

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Like they say if your on fire: Stop Drop and Roll..... For you: Stop and Think before you react. What's a few seconds when it comes to your sanity.

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Thank you Betty for your wonderful way of putting things. You bring much light to my world in your responses :)

Love

M

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Iwantthingsback

You are on the right track. It is not easy but so very worth it. It is a process and the first thing to remember is that this is a progressive fatal disease over which we are powerless. The best we can do is learn how to take care of ourelves. This can be done by Keeping the focus on Yourself. Try not to point the finger at him. --I feel, I want, I am, are good ways to share.

Good Luck

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

Iwantthingsback wrote:
So, I think if I tell him tonight as one boundary, when he says things like that or anything that hurts me that I choose NOT to respond or engage in that particular conversation. Am I on the right track? WOW this isn't easy, awareness is not easy! :)

For me it was enough to just start not responding, or not engaging. I didn't make an announcement about my boundary, I just started doing it. With something like this I didn't feel like it really needed to be discussed, as opposed to something a bit more major, like "I'm moving out now".

I like those 6 guidelines to setting boundaries that you posted! Although, they make a lot more concrete sense to me now, after being familiar with al-anon recovery, than beforehand. For example "Clearly defined consequences that don't upset your serenity"...well beforehand I would have thought "Serenity?! What the heck is serenity? How do I know when I feel that?". These days I do know how that feels, thankfully, so I can use that one as a good guideline for setting a boundary. It is helpful to me now. Beforehand, it wouldn't have been.

Same thing with "Without regard for the relationship". I would've thought "But I can't live without him! I would die!". Now I know that it's a loving act to be honest with him about what I will and will not put up with, even if that means splitting up. I couldn't very well live up to my boundaries while I was still cowering and running around trying not to upset him.

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

smile I am a long-timer... I practise boundaries in the here and now- in the present...

a forum like this has features a meeting cannot give us. We CAN swallow our words.

it is much easier to say stuff with typing fingers... it gives the old mind a change to get into first gear. I don't really know you at all. This is just an introduction- hi! aww

On this board i know people as individuals. What I say to anyone depends on how well i know them- its about trust. And if they are longer members I can test the ground a little... we do all understand each other...

...sometimes the ideas and theories about boundaries can throw things about. And we are all used to chaos! Tell me about it. Inside of Alanon we build trust. We build relationships with each other. It isn't easy... ... but here, at least, we have ways of sorting things out.

The illness is serious. It cripples the motions- it is baffling confuse hmm blankstare disbelief doh evileye . For starters I take is very easy. i just listen...

...thanks so much for your share- smile

DavidG.

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

Thank you All and DavidG :) Hello to you...... this is new to me, meaning, reaching out. I am trying to get someone to email me back to see if they have live online chat (voice) on here I cannot tell from reading. But yes, I want to attend a beginners. I cannot go to the face to face because they are ALL at 11AM during the week :(

We had a good talk last night and he was pretty shocked when I said my first boundary.... but wasn't mad and actually said.... GOOD! Almost like he was waiting for me to stop taking it? I don't know. I didn't respond when he said that. He does want to got night and look for reading material on the dry drunk that may be able to boost along with meetings. The simple fact he wants to go has to be a good sign. Any suggestions? I was thinking of a MOOD / emotion type of thing because as well all know dry drunk effects every part of them. He started looking on line last night but got frustrated, he isn't good on the computer.

Nice to meet you. Everyone has been so nice and I don't feel so all alone anymore!

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I tend to create boundaries for myself more in the day than for all time as I once did. I get too hard and fast rule-y like that. There are some hard and fast boundaries that include refusing to live or work with an active/dry A - not because of them but because of what happens to me and to speak up when I don't like something in whatever way fits with the other person or the circumstance. But, most other boundaries are pretty much depending on the day, how well I am doing on that day, and the circumstances or the people who enter my day on a personal level. On a professional level, there are structural boundaries in place for all to follow that creates a safe, clean and structured environment for people of all ages to include me and consistent consequences, but within that structure there are various boundaries that I need to set for me at times that require my staying flexible without being wishy-washy. I do build walls when it comes to abusive predators or people with psychotic behaviors. Boundaries don't work for me there.

Iwantthingsback · Senior Member

Thank you grateful2be

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.

Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.