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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What a weird day for me yesterday :)
Post Info TOPIC: What a weird day for me yesterday :)
Iwantthingsback


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What a weird day for me yesterday :)
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I had my alone therapy last night, I had a mini break down because after finally being on here yesterday it mixed my emotions up like a smoothly!!!  But I feel a little better today.  So my consoler and I talked about if I have decided how long I want to deal with this and if I had a time line. I mean how long am I willing to wait for him to get back on track and go back to meetings and start getting better again etc. And if he doesn't am I just going to settle... well no I won't, if he chooses not to get help and get things back to what they were I won't settle for this.... but I dont know that answer yet as to how long I will wait, not today anyway.   It has been 7-months since he promised so I do have to reach a point where I ask myself.... is this how you want to live Denise?  Like I said we have a lot of great days and weeks but I don't want to always worry if MR Dry JERK is coming home and is he staying for a week or two nor do I want to always have to walk on egg shells........  I have questions at the end, any feedback would so be welcome.

I have every intention to stand by him and love him forever If he does his part and gets better again.  He was sober for 8 yrs, come on baby you can do it again - this is what I want to say to him, but I don't!!!  Even though he hasnt been "drinking" and had only picked up a drink 6 times in 1.5-yr I am fully aware he is flirty with disaster every day because he isnt dealing with the Dry Drunk at ALL.  And I am not saying those 6 times it was OK for him to do that but reading some of what I have been reading I see there are many many different levels and my heart goes out to everyone!!!!!!!!  In some odd way I feel blessed that Tom was strong enough to stay sober both mentally and physically for so many years, and even over this last year (excluding the hand full of slip ups) he isnt  active with the "drinking" aspect. I am not saying it is any easier because he obviously is struggling big time with the mental side and life is NOT fun with a dry drunk so I know until he chooses to get help I know I am still living with an active alcoholic.

So, he wasnt as happy as I thought that I am being active with Al-Anon, as a matter of fact, we had a pity party last night.  He could tell I was crying I was a wreck when I got home, at first I told him not to worry I was ok.  Well he knows when I am like this it is because of our situation, which DOES help as you all probably know.  Like he says, it is like he caught a house on fire and every time I am sad it is like watching it burn.  I feel like saying PUT THE FIRE OUT AND DO SOMETHING (but I dont).  So I told him I decided to look into Al-Anon and how much more aware I am now than I was even 2 weeks ago. But  because I decided to it brought up a lot of emotions. Well, after I told him he walked away, hmmmmm. And then got snippy and said, ready for this one:  There are worse people out there, there are murders and men who rape bla bla.. then he said  And just forget my bday (which is this Friday) I dont want anything or deserve anything!!.  

In reading some of the posts yesterday I remembered seeing someone saying she would say to her husband, calmly, OK if that is what you want that is fine and then she walked away.  Well, I tried that last night, and what a difference in his reaction!!!!  WOW.  At first he said did you hear me? and I said yes, you said you didnt want anything for your Bday and then just turned around and kept cooking LOL It wasnt 15 mins he came in and gave me a huge hug and we ended up having a great evening laughing and watching TV, like old times!!!!!  I can see by me going through recovery is going to be new and he isnt going to like it and it will be emotional for both of us, I am not going to like it but I hope now that he sees I wont be as naďve to all of this more aware and I will be stronger maybe he will do what he has to do as well. IDK. Time will tell.

SO, what did I learn?  I HAVE TO LEARN!!!!  I have to learn how to deal with him and this and learn those boundaries and how to react.  Is that all part of the boundaries I keep seeing on these posts?  Where do I find that info on the Al-Anon site?  Is there information on here about what questions I should and shouldnt ask?  Meaning, I want to know more like what made him want to pick up a drink after so many yrs and things like that.  Even though he HATES to talk about it, is it ok that I want and need to know more about it and what makes him tick sort of speak?  And is it ok that he knows I am active with Al-Anon or does that make things worse?  Can I tell him my plan for getting better with this and my recovery?

I just got on here yesterday and not a lot of time to read articles books or anything yet so I am sorry to keep asking questions. I cannot decide how long I will allow this to go on without knowing when he will be ready to get help. And I know I cant threaten him into it or anything or give him ultimatums.  BUT, how can I talk to him about this?  Can I ask him in a way to see what he is planning on doing and in what time frame? I feel I have a right to know IF he is really planning on doing this and when, right?  What can I read now to learn how to talk to him about his problem?



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Iwantthingsback


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And he does admit he has and tries to manipulate me at times. Is it ok to ask him what he means by that or to give me examples?

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Mari1978


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Be careful to ensure you focus on your recovery ;)

Step One~ We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives became unmanageable.

One day at a time.

Let go and let God.

Al anon is for you.

At first I wanted to have all the answers right away. After awhile I found I was frustrated that there was no "quick" fix.

I did not cause it. I can not control it. I can not fix it.

Now I smile and find comfort in knowing that life is always learning and growing.
This is a journey. Enjoy the "light bulb" moments. There are many to come.
Keep coming back.

In love and support
M





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ilovedogs


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I hear a lot of focus on him in your post, which is totally expected when you're new in the program. Believe me, I focused on HIM for over a year in program and suddenly I realized that I was working an Al Anon program FOR ME! I encourage you to learn whatever tools you need from the program and just like you did last night, keep using them. The more you learn about your part in the whole mess, the healthier you become.

Asking him questions about his program: hopefully others will come on with advice. My AH does not work a program and was a dry drunk for 15 years before starting to drink again. I have experience with recovery on that side of things but I do know that most folks will advise you to keep your side of the street clean first and not to concern yourself with where he is unless he asks for support and help from you directly. I honestly believe that when I started bugging my husband about getting help, going to counseling, making him promise to go back to marriage therapy, etc that my motives were my own. I was trying to control an outcome, bring him to a point where he would finally SEE what he had done to me all these years, etc. I was trying to force a solution on him that he wasn't ready for. As the old saying goes, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."

Keep working your program one day at a time, don't worry about what he's doing or where he's at. I truly believe the answers are in the steps. It's taken me 16 months of program for me to figure this out but I'm slowly learning to let go and let God and I'm finally not worried about the outcome and I am finally finding my own peace. AH is not at peace, I can only hope that my example and my joy and serenity can be felt and that maybe some day he finds his way into the rooms of AA or another recovery program. Another slogan from the program I say a lot to myself is: not my will, but God's will. I remind myself that my timing is not God's timing and I have to make a conscious effort to let it go. Whatever the 'it' may be that day, LOL! Sending you lots of support, I do hope you keep coming back around here.

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Iwantthingsback


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HI  Mari1978 - I will stay focused just trying to learn what I can talk to him about and what not to etc, I haven't asked him anything in a yr because he gets upset.  But it is time for me to know more about him just not sure how :). We learn a lot in therapy as well but more on how he can work on his moods and all and I get to vent here and there LOL. It is so hard to find time to get on here and read everything so I was trying to pinpoint and find a starting point.



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Iwantthingsback


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Thanks Ilovedgos :)



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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> What a weird day for me yesterday :)