The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just wanted to sleep last night. I'm exhausted. I was almost asleep when he came and sat on the bed and wanted to talk. I truly am done. I wish to no longer be manipulated and it just makes him more determined to isolate me from everyone. I need to completely let go of what others will be told or what they will think. I need to find my serenity. I need to accept the fact that I will be questioned and I will be judged by others and that's okay. I have no one else but ME to be held accountable for. Not his family, not his friends and co workers nor anyone else questioning my actions. The A is manipulative, deceitful and living in a very unhealthy place. Nothing I say or do will change anything for him. The change needs to start with me.
The tornado has been upgraded and disaster is about to strike and I don't want to be in its path. That's how I see the alcoholism. He is in the very heart of the tornado and its picks up great speed and sucks you in before you even know it. Sometimes you really don't know what just happened. Its seems surreal.
I try to quiet my mind, I stutter, and then I fall to my knees and cry. I hear the inner voice, the one that cries out for sanity. Stop! H.A.L.T. You are Hungry (not just for food but love and compassion), You are Angry (mostly at yourself), You are Lonely (you have detached from your HP instead of the A...oops) and You are Tired (be kind to yourself and allow yourself to rest).
The tools are here but old habits die hard.I know the path to sanity looks bumpy and scary at first but I also realize the one that leads to insanity always did look more appealing at first.
I remember getting to that point. I was no longer trying to hide our problems to protect our reputations and didn't feel the need to defend my actions of "not helping him" to anyone. Good for you!
__________________
"Just being there for someone can sometimes bring hope when all seems hopeless." - Dave G. Llewellyn
Other people and what they think about us or feel about us or know about us or want from us is a people pleaser's way of driving themselves right to the edge of a huge cliff. Fortunately, our HP steps in, if we allow it and says: "Hey! Put on those brakes, sister." You're not on this earth to be pushed or driven by the opinions, judgments or actions of other people. You're on this earth to live the life you have in the way you want to live it. I'll guide you. I'll lead you. I'll show you the way. Depend on Me. Listen to Me. Trust Me. Let everybody else do the same if they choose. If they don't choose, say a prayer for them and be on your way.
I know where you are and you are right. This too shall pass. I just wanted to give you a big (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).
In support,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
