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So, three weeks ago I asked my alcoholic partner of 8 years to move out of our family home. I am trying to get on with life as best as I can looking after our two little girls and working. The last few weeks have been a emotional roller coaster and for the last few days I am starting to doubt my decision?? Maybe his drinking wasn't that bad after all?? What am I doing to our family?? Is it the best for everyone??
He's asked me several times to talk about things. Every time we do talk and I tell him the reasons for separating (drinking, the many arguments we had etc...) he laughs at me and tells me that this is the most ridiculous reason to break up a family. His drinking does not affect anyone and I am totally over reacting. He just likes a couple of beers after work and so does everyone else we know. What the hell is wrong with me for breaking up this family of him have a "couple". He calls me a hypocrite because I have the occasional glass of wine, so why wouldn't he be allowed to have his beers.
He believes the reason for our break up is that I am cheating on him or that there must be another significant reason for me to separate. He truly does not get how his daily drinking has affected me and will affect our kids....I am going around in circles and it is starting to make me doubt. I trying to stay calm during our "talks" but every time after I talk to him I start to doubt. He has got this way of talking things down and making me re-think and doubt my decisions. Its cunning, I cant explain it...
I am doing ok when I am at work or at home with the kids but the weekly confrontations with him are really exhausting and it pains me to see that he is truly baffled as to why this family is broken.
This is all on top of me trying to get to terms with being a single mum, worrying about my girls, picking up my shattered dreams about how I imagined life would be and thinking about the good times I had with my ex partner. My family is on the other side of the world and they don't really understand what I am going thru.
I am reading "Co dependant no more" which is a really interesting and eye-opening read. Things are starting to make sense (sometimes) and then other times I am full of doubt, sadness and worry. I have also ordered "Get Them Sober" which I am looking forward to reading...
I am trying to understand what has happened to him and me in the last 8 years. The only thing is that the more I read about what affects alcoholism has on family members, the more I get worried about my own sanity and ability to recover from all of this. I would have never thought what effect it could have on me but I am starting to realise how I reacted and what person I turned into over the last years - its scary! Controlling, obsessive, angry, mean and nasty at times (only ever with him though), hard on the inside and almost emotionless, not very happy but faking it all the way... no one ever knew..
On the positive side - I have my beautiful girls, both healthy, still living in our family home and hoping to manage mortgage and bills by myself (thank god for my job) and I am calmer, much calmer.... Not as angry.
Welcome and thank you for your share, Medi, and you're in the right place here with friends. I am trying to learn and work the steps very slowly, but felt compelled to comment, because I've heard similar comments from my ABF,and also have found myself suffering with the same symptoms of codependency. I've also ordered the same books and can't wait until they arrive:)
Keep coming back...
I wanted to respond as well because I have had many similar feelings, and I am going through a divorce after 20+ yrs of marriage. You will receive lots of support here and I agree with the other poster that doing step work and sticking to a program for you is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Second thoughts, doubts I have had and sometimes still have them but then I will have some memory that reminds me of why I had to break out of the insanity for me.
Welcome to MIP- you're in the right place. Many of us have experienced or are experiencing what you describe. The devil we know sometimes seems more appealing than the devil we don't know. However, insanity is defined by doing the same thing and expecting different results.
Alcoholism is a powerful, cunning, and baffling disease. It is progressive, unless the drinking stops. Please attend Alanon meetings and read all that you can about alcoholism. For me, working the 12 steps with a sponsor is the most efficient way to understand how to apply Alanon in all my affairs.
My ex continues to accuse me of throwing away a good marriage - it was good for him, he didn't work, I bought the beer, I worked and paid all the bills, he demanded everything his way all the time and if I stood up to him or even tried to convince him to do it some other way, I had an attitude and must be cheating on him. Communication with him became harder because of the manipulation games he would try to pull and I was seeing things clearer - I got a new cell phone and didn't give him the number because I didn't want him ruining my day; I used my home answering machine to screen calls and record his nasty ones; Eventually I stopped talking to him altogether because it was just too hard and not getting anywhere.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
It seems to me that there is a simple solution to this, dont meet up with him each week. If he picks up kids or has another reason to be at your home put your foot down and make other arrangements. At least until you feel able to cope with seeing him. He is in denial, but his badgering you constantly is unacceptable and you dont have to put up with it. My ex done this for a while until he got the message, you see his manipulation tactics worked for years so it took him a while to realise it was over, he had no power over me. You are doing brilliant, just keep thinking of your kids and the life of peace, calm and happiness you will all have soon.x
HI Medi I can totally relate to what you're going through. i just take it one day at a time. i broke up with ABF, we were together 4 years, he says the same stuff yours does, and I just read codependent no more, then beyond codependency, and healing the addicted brain. All really good books. I worked on the garden, went back to work, took care of my dog and myself.. trying to get my life "normal" but it's only been 3 months for me. It got really hard a few weeks ago, I was just crying and missing him so much.. I haven't talked to him but I think he was really angry and now he's just drinking and he doesn't care.. maybe he'll just get another enabler? it's hard knowing that i gave so much TIME, time i can never get back, to a relationship. Starting over is really hard. I desparately needed to *surrender* and ask for CONFIRMATION for my decision. Did i do the right thing? I always threatened to leave or try to break up but we ALWAYS get back together. Now i'm trying to not talk to him at all and really stay away from him for good. "But i miss him so much.. he was my whole life" then I found my journal from a few years ago about how BAD his drinking was, the fights, he would never listen... he would always make excuses.. basically i was being MISTREATED because I was in a unhealthy unbalanced relationship with someone who is actively drinking and smoking pot every day. hang in there maybe we can help each other get through this. I don't have kids though so it may be more difficult for you. Just take care of yourself ok.. I'm a newbie but I'm here to support you because I need the support too.
Thank you for sharing your story and your support, Abell - it means a lot to me!
"One day at a time" - I am starting to really understand the meaning of this sentence. That's how it is for me at the moment, day by day. Some days are better than others but I can see positive things happening around me, everything is a lot calmer and I am slowly finding my inner peace (feels good). I am sad to hear your story but congratulate you to your decision. The goal is to be happy again - all the best to you, keep looking after yourself.
I read "Getting them sober" a couple of days ago and can really recommend this book, helped me A LOT to understand my past relationship and the reasons why things were the way they were.....
I remember when I was there, 3 1/2 years ago, the courage it took to walk away, feeling as though I deserved all he did and said and even drove him to drink, and oh, the accusations. Yes, I must've been seeing someone else, I was cheating, etc. Except with pride, I walked away with hardly a thing. I left him the house, 2 cars, most of the furniture and knew he was a good father and saved his abuse for me. (I'm so special)
It wasn't easy to leave, I was there for 9 years and 2 kids later (3 total) and so many more good memories than bad. But his drinking and what it did killed who I was inside, I forgot where I was going, why anything, except how much will be drinking and how bad will I pay for it? His drinking killed the man I fell in love with, and leaving him gave me the peace I needed. No walls with holes of rage inside my new and small apartment, just quiet. Except for the crazy times with my kids.
And yes, being a single mom scared the hell of me. I didn't choose it. I had a child with a previous relationship and now 2 more, and 2 foster kids I couldn't support anymore. And a body that could no longer have more children. I wasted all that marriage and vows and made children with a person who tore my life inside out and never saw me for who I tried to be. He was paranoid, insecure, jealous, angry, and all the things he said and did, I deserved.
It's going to be a long recovery. I promise the silence is worth more than the torture. The unknown future is worth more than going home and counting empty bottles or searching for the hidden ones.
You will be ok. Stay gone.
Thank you kickstart77, I really appreciate your post. Its only been about 4 weeks but I feel a lot more calmer and I am beginning to think about the person I used to be before I met him. And one thing you said in your post really struck my cord - "it killed who I was inside". That is so true! Over the years I turned into a different person on the inside. A lot of anger, insecurity and unable to make and keep friendships. It just goes to show how much alcoholism can affect the people around the alcoholic....
I am glad I made the step towards regaining my life, there is no way going back.
Thanks for sharing your story, it reaffirms my decision and gives me hope that there will be happier times again in future....
