The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well i was looking forward to having a fun time w/cousin........shes been here a week now and we have had 3 phone calls..........that is it
yes....i understand her need to see her uppity daughter who now i hear is too good for leftovers.....food gets thrown out
yes...i understand her need to address tenents moving out, cleaning and prep etc., but is it ALL DAY????? PAST dinner time?????.....instead of calling me on sunday night to see if she could sleep over, she slept in that empty, cold, it may have water and elect. rental, but she slept there instead of giving me a call to see if she could come here.....on a non work night she knows of COURSE she could come.........NO she picks the nights where I gotta work the next day.................
she has offered me a crumb last thurs., the day b4 i have to work and she knows i have to go to bed early so i can function and think, and she gets pissed b/c i tell her "no, i have to work tomorrow....i told you EVERY Friday, i work...so no late thursdays...i need to go to bed early"..........she got mad......i said "later gater" and we hung up.........i didn't apologize, i just said that her crumbs have to be convenient for me too , otherwise, i have to pass b/c my livlihood is #1...
THEN yesterday she makes plans w/me for today
as of 1pm no call from her so my client calls "hey u wanna work tomorrow????" I said "sure...see ya in the am"........client knows its been slow here and so he had some stuff better suited for me to tackle then him.........so tomorrow I will work
i call cousin to tell her..........gotta work......maybe we can see each other wed. bc thursday i am off........she kinda is disappointed, and i says to her.......#1 you never called me today #2, you have your priorities.......i got mine....so we have to match or its a "scrubbed mission"
used to be i prioritized her waited for her but no more.......the game has changed.......i get up and go if i feel like it........went to goodwill b/c its seniour day 25% off and got a beautiful cat lltter box w/the roof, brand new, for like $12.......got some cute plates to hang on my walls...........got some big towels for the dogs to like on b/c tiles get cold in winter..........got some neat stuff
I just don't wait around for her anymore.........if we see each other??? Great.........if not??? i just do life and go on.............
no more waiting and waiting and getting angry , resentful........now if i don't hear from her or can't catch her when i call, or she says 2pm and its 230 and she isn't hear???? I am GONE.......no more waiting on someone who doesn't seem to care about my time or schedule............
i love her, but i am not gonna spend my life waiting for her to call when she says or show up when she says b/c i swear............this gal wont' even make it to her own funeral......she will be late or not show up.........so when the scheduled call or visit comes and goes w/no hearing from her???? i make my own plans
she doesn't like my recovery me...........oh she is glad i am recovering, but she does not like my boundaries and taking care of me FIRST , i know she does not.........she wants me to be available on HER timing and i just don't do that..........its mutual or it doesn't happen..........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
It doesnt sound like your sister agrees with your new Al-anon ways, she'll have to get to know you all over again, but are you taking her inventory? og
__________________
Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
It doesnt sound like your sister agrees with your new Al-anon ways, she'll have to get to know you all over again, but are you taking her inventory? og
i was joking about her being late for her own funeral, and I think it is "ok" to address the behaviour over the character?? i will look again......to see if i worked her inventory.....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
It doesnt sound like your sister agrees with your new Al-anon ways, she'll have to get to know you all over again, but are you taking her inventory? og
I didn't see any inventory, just behaviour stuff....all these years, i spent waiting , putting everyone first but me adn that has change.......i put me first...yea, i will compromise and work with someone, but its gotta be "ok" for both of us...........cuzin is gonna as u said, get to know me all over again......i remember the nites i would wait and wait for her to arrive so we could go eat.........now i give it 30 min. past, and then if no call or i can't get her when i call...i just leave.....its too bad...we may not get together, but my expectations weren't off the charts, either....i have learned that most of the time, I end up doing it myself or going my self........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
All I can see here is that you have taken a look at what YOU have done in the past (waited around for others, put their needs and wants ahead of your own) and now I think you recognized that if you "keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you got"........and that's not OK for you anymore.
So you have set some boundaries on how long you will wait, how much you will bend to accommodate others.
This is what I think, Neshema. Those of us who have been abused as children and later as adults become hypersensitive to our surroundings and to the people in our lives in order to survive. When we are relaxed and don't feel stressed, then the comings and goings of others don't matter to us as much. When we do feel stressed and are feeling like we're fighting to survive, we become very hypersensitive again to our surroundings and the people in our lives. It becomes super important to us that we have someone to depend on at that time and when somebody fails us like your cousin failed you by not following through on some of the plans she made with you before she came for her visit, we feel devastated by it - just like we did when we were kids unable to fend for ourselves and we looked for somebody to help us and nobody came. As adults we know this devastation we're feeling doesn't really fit what is actually happening and so we try to reason it all out but underneath we still have those abuse issues that are triggered mainly in times of stress. I wouldn't worry about whether or not you're taking her inventory or looking at behaviors, if I were you, Neshema. That's not really what is bothering you, is it? Isn't it that you've been going through some financial stresses, disappointing times with daughter #2, and you were looking forward to spending time with your cousin who you've loved and enjoyed and she hasn't been able to spend the time you were counting on? It hurts. You feel disappointed. And you are having a hard time with this disappointment? I have a very difficult time sometimes feeling the disappointment that happens when a visit from somebody I was looking forward to doesn't happen for whatever reason it doesn't happen and I go through an entire grieving process, too. Maybe what I'm thinking doesn't fit for you? If it does, I hope it helps you know I understand it and I'd be disappointed and hurting about it, too.
Ignutah and Grateful, yep, i think u guys are spot on
what I used to put up with and accept as "crumbs" b/c that is what i deserve no longer is my truth.....i have needs...wants....schedules.....and what used to be "overlooked in the past" I set boundaries on and yea, i am standing to them.....the old me is giving way to the new, recovering, taking care of me me...
and yea, lots of stress lately....so much so that I absolutely had a meltdown on fri.....a stupid oversight...not harmful to client but still an oversight on my part....its been long time since i worked w/inventory and i missed some "rec. items" and they are on the payables and should not be.....client was upset.......i went into panic mode, thought I was gonna get "let go" , i wrote him email and said "oh yea, i just over looked this, i am sorry, i see what happend and i will fix it all up on day i come in....." i owned it...took responsibility and told him i won't get fooled again, this time i will check for these items and make sure they are transferred to inv. received and make sure whether or not they are open or paid.....
it took me 2 days to get over the fear of losing this client...........so yea, that was my main thing...i just cannot have any more losses...so fri. i had nightmares.....sat. i slept nearly all day....sunday felt lousey, didn't start feeling human till monday ......stress just tires me out big time now.......i just cannot do it..........so, i will cut out all avoidable and unnesary stress b/c it is absolutely tireing me out......
funny...i can do physical stuff all day and be fresh as a daisy.........stress??? i am worn out.....sometimes my work is intense, trouble shooting the wife's mistakes (she tries hard but her deposits are a disaster and I have to do research to match the books to the bank statment) i come home and i am wasted.....probably one reason why i overlooked those items rec. in inventory.......anyway, i have been under a lot of stress and so like u said, i am more sensitive......tomorrow i luck out....my 3rd client called me needing me tomorrow AND possibly again in 2 weeks....so i was gr8ful.....had to tell cuzin who hadn't called me anyway for our plans, that i was working on wed. and had to get to sleep early.....
so both of you I and G...both of u , i totally agree with I just want my peace and quiet.....this fear is absolutely horrible at times......sometimes i am "ok" and other times, i am remembering the times i had to steal to eat and when food was scarce, me and my brothers had to break into the garage and eat dry DOG FOOD just to fill our empty bellies.......
so yea, living in lack all my life has taken its horrible toll......i am giving up all negativity i can imagine in my spirit to try and draw better circumstances to me, but so far, its me give....me no get.......but it was eating me anyway so i had to work to get rid of it (anger/hate/resentment/ill will/revenge, et al).......i thought putting out good energy brought good energy to me.........i don't want to lose THAT hope......
soo i am getting ready for bed so i can function at high level tomorrow.....i notice w/this bad slump, i need a lot more rest and quiet.....maybe its just as well she doesn't act like she wants to see me..........maybe i just need to withdraw and REST and try and recover....
i just hope my client #2 is not real mad at me....i do excellent job, it SHOULD be "ok" but ya never know...competition is rough......gotta perform my best to keep what little i got.......
thanks u guys for your honest shares and i am just gonna do my best and "roll with it" as another recovery mate told me.....as long as i know i am being honest w/me and my maker and also my recovery mates.and as long as i put forth the honest effort and be willing to learn, i am "ok".....
it is true...i have changed....i notice my needs and wants more and some of those needs are really essential for caring for this ptsd and anxiety......i want to always be fair to others and that means being fair to me ......i am putting my welfare first for a change.....and now...for now...i need to conserve my energy and just hope that i get 2 more days per month...I have my weekly....2 monthlies.....need 2 more monthlies.........doesnt' sound like much, but it is a big difference to me....i make good money, thank goodness b/c to work FT, i could never handle that much mental output......
thanks you guys............i think she is here till next week sometime..........i am gonna take it one day at a time and take care of me......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
All I can see here is that you have taken a look at what YOU have done in the past (waited around for others, put their needs and wants ahead of your own) and now I think you recognized that if you "keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you got"........and that's not OK for you anymore. So you have set some boundaries on how long you will wait, how much you will bend to accommodate others.
WOW.....that is soooo spot on......nothing changes unless something changes and that change has to be within me for me and about me.............and yep.....putting others b4 me does not work for me anymore.......i will compromise, and try to have a meeting midway somewhere, but I set a boundary, how long i will wait....how much i will bend......I SO agree with this.......
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
