The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been coming here since January, working to learn the steps, to learn the slogans, to LEARN NOT TO KEEP ENABLING MY A (an adult daughter who lives 2 hrs away, who hasn't had a job in about a year)!
So this afternoon my A calls me, first it seems to just talk (unusual, but we did get together last Friday so I thought maybe the good vibes we built up were continuing). Then she says something about her brother's birthday and she's not going to be able to send something to him in time so she thought she would send it to me.
I'm confused, because he lives on the other side of the country--and I say, but how would I get it to him?
Then she explains: she thought she would use my credit card to send him a gift, and also, her cable bill is due today and she could use my credit card to pay that too (and she would mail me a money order TOMORROW to cover everything she charged on my card).
Before AlAnon, I would have agreed and continued to enable her in not planning ahead to pay bills on time, etc.
I didn't handle it perfectly---I asked too many questions (why did you wait til the day the bill is due to think about paying it? why don't you have your own credit card? If I let you use my card you will never learn. By not letting you use my card, it will help you in the long run, etc.)
But bottom line, I said: No, you can't use my credit card, you'll have to figure it out on your own.
Progress is what recovery is all about...good job!! Don't worry about asking the questions because those are what we have to come up with solutions for. My sponsor use to ask me questions all the time and I learned by investigating them. "Why did you do that"? and "Why did you do it that way"? Questions cause the mind/brain to do its work which isn't just weight to hold a head on the shoulders. LOL You did good. (((hugs)))
Any step in the right direction is a good one! Practicing keeping my response to a word or two, "no", "I'm not doing that", "that doesn't work for me" - Said without explanation and owning what is on my side of the street.
I wish I could be "ready" (if you get what I just said, you've been there). I'm caught off guard because I am not expecting what ends up being what is happening (I guess that means I am doing a good job of not having expectations??? LOL I guess where my expectation is faulty is that I keep having the expectation that my A will act like a "normal" person---so it takes me awhile to realize I am about to be manipulated)
This also sounds like a bit of the lessons on "triggers" for me. I use to get "triggered" alot before Al-Anon and would only react over and over never prepared on how I would like to "respond" instead. I learned that the difference between reacting and responding was the time after the trigger which I could spend deciding on how I wanted, if I wanted to respond at all. Some on in one of my AA home group meetings once said that it was in that period of time (seconds) between when I was triggered and when I responded, that God is. I've never heard a better explanation for it. The very least amount of time I will consider taking is 3 seconds...thats all it takes for me to decide how I want to respond...kindly, lovingly, courteously, respectfully, helpfully, etc. Take away the 3 seconds and I react only and usually poorly. Great post.
I wish I could be "ready" (if you get what I just said, you've been there). I'm caught off guard because I am not expecting what ends up being what is happening (I guess that means I am doing a good job of not having expectations??? LOL I guess where my expectation is faulty is that I keep having the expectation that my A will act like a "normal" person---so it takes me awhile to realize I am about to be manipulated)
its difficult IMHO when it is family b/c the emotional attachment to them can kinda make things "cloudy" when making a discernment over something.....I think u did great......the bottom line......u said "NO" to the Ccard use.........like my #2.....the only time she calls me is when she wants someting......when she calls, i laugh an say "ok, whats broken or what do you need now???" b/c it has been happening for years....i don't remember her calling me just to chat......or walking next door to my house to CHAT.......my other daughter calls me regularly and we CHAT....and she calls me with health stuff or ???s about something else, but its BOTH with her..........i just accept dau. #2 is gonna do this to me and for now, anyway, its "no contact" i need this for a while to take care of me.........perhaps, hopefully in the future when i have grieved this toxic relationship out and accepted it for what it is, i can talk casually as i keep my distance............the bottom line is i must keep my distance to guard my serenity and i MUST cut down on any unnecessary and avoidable stress b/c i notice, lately that stress just wears me out
i can go all day doing physical stuff...strong as a tank......play tennis with kids 1/2 my age and beat them..............
but the mental/emotional/mind stuff???? wears me out.......i can't do stress anymore.......i get so tired after something stressful, i am sleeping 1/2 the next day..............
so with that in mind, i gotta do what i gotta do........say "NO" when its "her life lesson and obligation" and let it go at that..........she is grown........i resigned as the "rescuer /doer/ giver/ being used/ victim"
when i let anyone victimize me the 2nd and subsequent times??? I am not a victim, I am a volunteer
what i permit-----i promote
its hard w/family, but they are souls first...relatives 2nd IMO......and every soul needs to take care of their own stuff......UNLESS they are too young...disabled....ill........or otherwise not able....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
