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I am new here and to all of this. Although I have learned a lot in the 7 last months (even if I didnt want to) it is all so over whelming and not sure I can handle it. So many questions still. I hope this make sense, cried the whole time.....
Sorry so long but I want to share. My story:I am 43 and he is 40. I met my babe 2 yrs ago and it was magic from day one, we fell for each other quickly and things we perfect. We are best friends and a love like I never thought possible!!! When the addict is sleeping as I call it, things are AMAZING!!!!
I did not know he was an alcoholic or used until March of this year.Thats right, a whole yr and not knowing and or not seeing it? There were never any signs at first and I never saw him drink. But about 5 months into our relationship out of nowhere. I didnt hear from him for 5 days, I couldnt believe it I thought something happened to him and was beside myself that this man could just walk away?And why did he just leave? He stopped by my home after the 5 days and made up some story about his brother and family and I believed him (at the time).So I forgave him. After this I noticed he would have a glass of wine here and there and I found it odd because he never drank (that I knew of).On New Years 2013 we went out with friends and he drank more than a couple, I didnt notice anything odd (behavior wise) until we got home and he stated being really mean. The mental abuse was extreme and the things he said to me blew my mind, who was this person? The next day I confronted him and he said he was sorry and that he was just drunk (again I had no idea at this time he had a problem).It happened again right before March and I remember saying to him I dont like you drunk and he kind of laughed and said ya, I probably shouldnt drink being it makes me mean.And that was that and I didn't think more of it.
Well March came the week a huge bomb was dropped.For St Pattys 2013, we had a few events to attend. I talked to him before and he promised he wouldnt drink I told him I just didnt like him drunk, it wasnt fun and he hurts me when he drinks. Not knowing he had a problem but started to wonder.I did ask him and he said no. Anyway, I didnt baby sit him that night, for a lack of better terms. So I didnt pay attention if he was drinking or not, we HE did, and a lot. This night was so bad when we got home I couldnt take it, right or wrong I asked him to leave, I knew he was drunk and would drive but, I had to.The things he was saying was horrible and when he firmly held me up to wall and called me a whore I had to ask him to go!!And when he was leaving he thanked me for kicking him out?You will see why in a min. I was completely beside myself this night and so hurt.Why was he doing this?
VERY long story short He was gone for 5-days, no calls, texts he wouldnt return my calls nothing and his mom and sister didnt hear from him. On the 6th night he called 1AM from hospital and said he admitted himself for drug and alcohol ad would explain everything later this is how I found out he had a problem!!! When I got him the next day he told me he was sober for 8yrs but not for the 2 yrs I have known him, he would do good a couple months then slip.I am thinking as he talks, who was this man I lived with? Why did he lie and how could he NOT tell me!!!! I was furious and many other feelings!What did he do when he was gone?Did he cheat on me, what was going on?Emotion overload.He promised he would get help, get his sobriety back and make things better. At the same time all of this was running thru my head, it also connected a lot of the dots for his behavior I didnt understand at times and things started to sink in. Please keep in mind, his drinking leads him to COKE, like he explained to me and his therapist explained to me, one leads to the other, if he doesnt drink he doesnt want to use, so it is crucial that he doesnt drink being one leads to another. So I get EXTRA scared if he slips of what will happen if he does relapse and leaves. The last 3 slip ups (as we call it) I knew enough NOT to let him leave the house, so knowledge helps!!!And all three slip ups we were in a situation where he could sneak drinks (a restaurant, a festival and this last one was my sisters wedding).It ruined my little sisters wedding for me because once I saw he was drunk at 8PM I had to get him out of there, his behavior is VERY apparent when he drinks he is a completely different person!!!! Not that this is a good thing but like my therapists says, at least you know when he is drinking and not wondering if he is because he simply cant hide it being it really changes his behavior. Ya, ok, I guess knowing is better than not.
Our problem from March and up to today!He hasnt done anything to deal with his addiction, no meetings none of his material or exercises nothing.Some days / week are ok but others are a living hell. He keeps promising me but doesnt do anything.We have been going to Therapy for 2 months but he still hasnt done anything. I dont know what to do or how long I can wait. I am now dealing with this new thing (new to me) Dry Drunk and OMG!!!!This just started 4 months ago and has gotten worse.Before our therapist told me what it was I thought I was going crazy or he was, I dont know what is worse this or him being drunk. And I am extra confused because he knows his behavior during this stage is tearing us apart, its not like he isnt aware. and he knew he was dealing with it (Dry Drunk), so why didnt he tell me?He kept telling me it was money or work stress?
We are working on this, but he keeps his addict side a secret from me but I need to know more so I can learn and cope and know who I am really with. Our therapists agrees I have a right to know some things, by him keeping it all to himself I am completely in the dark and scared as hell. I have been researching and learning more and more but I am trying to find out what questions are ok to ask and what is not. This is all so much to deal with and seems like it spins out of control any approach I try. I know, until he gets better there is no rationalizing!!I love this man and he is my best friend and I am losing my baby to the addict.Why isnt his love for me enough to try? He knows his problem is not under control which I guess is better than him denying it, BUT how do I hold on until he is ready to get better again? I know he can do it. Is there any encouragement I can do to help him make the right choice before it is too late?I made the mistake 2 months ago of saying get better or I cant do this anymore Ya, not good. but again I am still learning.
I think getting some of this out helps a little even though (believe it or not) this is the short version of it all. I still have so many questions and guilt because I put him in situations to drink and even after I let him manipulate me so bad making be believe it was ok to go to a gather where there was drinking etc. I feel SO dumb, shouldnt I just know better?And he admits manipulate me (well, the addict did), and that hurts to hear I am trying to deal with my life style changes so he can get a hold of his life again.I am starting to resent him, I miss my casual glass of wine at dinner and going to see a live band 2 xs a year or the friends gathers I had to say no to.Why do I have to change everything to keep him well and he isnt doing anything???? Can we ever go to a friends party or anything there is alcohol, my goodness it is EVERYWHERE!!!!! And wondering today if it is worth it, I just feel so beaten and dealing with the dry drunk . Who will I go home to tonight?My baby or the addict? Things don't seem to be getting better and I don't want to give up on him for MANY reasons. He truly is the most gentle person I know and such a good guy, well liked and such a HARD worker!
I am so sorry I really had to get all that out and I am hoping this site helps me and I cant talk to him because as you know they dont want to hear about what they did to hurt they person they love and all. I am not sure yet about in person meetings so I am starting here.
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
Welcome.... Like many others on here, I think I read your post, and nod "uh-huh" and "me too" a lot. It's almost eery how similar the stories are, and your hubby isn't any different than most...
Alcoholism is cunning & baffling, and is also a disease that effects his physical, emotional, and spiritual side.... The "dry drunk" phenomena you are struggling with, is an example where he is trying (albeit perhaps unsuccessfully) to deal with solely the physical (drinking) stuff.
The simple answer, to your base question that you "don't know what to do anymore", is to choose recovery.... for YOU. We have a great old saying, thrown around on this board a lot:
"He will either drink (or relapse, or be a dry drunk, etc) or he won't... .what are YOU gonna do?"
Time to choose recovery for YOU - a solid program including Al-Anon, reading great books about the subject, and basically just getting back to prioritizing you once again.
I hope you keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
You have come to the right place.
I am also somewhat new to AL anon. It took me a about a month of going on here and sifting through posts and literature before I went to my first f2f meeting.
One day at a time.
The best thing you can do for your Alcoholic is take care of yourself.
Thank you and I know if I choose to stand by him I have to do this for myself too. But just cant bring myself to indulge all the way I guess I just don't want to see it.... just reading your post made me so sad, I hate reading about it and seeing how bad it really is. .. if that makes sense. But at least I am trying and my therapist told me about Al-Anon 2-months ago but today is the first I got on. I can't give up yet!
Ironically my babes name is Tom too
:)
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
Welcome to MIP. We don't want you to give up....we want you to get healthy in your relationship to your A. Al-anon gives that to us Get all the literature and ODAT from Al-anon and start reading, read the many post here and get to know Al-anon and what it stands for.
Also might I suggest a book " Getting them Sober " vol:1 by Toby Rice Drew. Good read.
Step 1 in the 12 steps: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable
Keep coming back because you are not alone here.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I feel worse reading all of this but I think that is normal, I hope.
I am extra sad today because I am realizing I am slipping away and resenting him and I don't want to. And I just plain miss him, that genuine touch and love he used to give the words I LOVE YOU. And some days he is with me and I have that, but most it is the addict side (as we call it) and it isnt that he is mean all the time but he simply exists and of course I feel as if I have to walk on egg shells on the good days not to upset his good mood ARG L
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
I think it's okay to resent the disease. It's a sh*tty disease - but some day - you may find that because you came into contact with it, you also got to be a part of one of the most miraculous joys on Earth. Alanon! There is a lot of sadness in alanon, but there is also so much joy from learning how to live a new way. A way that many of us find we could have benefited from even if we had never met alcoholism. There are truly loving people, new friendships, always something to do, somewhere to turn, somewhere to talk - to people who understand. It is such a blessing, and I got to find my HP in the rooms. Goodness - had I not 'met alcoholism' I wouldn't even know God today!
I owe that to this awful disease, so I can only be pissed for so long before I remember that my peace and serenity in life is owed to this program and the principles - steps - literature - fellowship - and people like who you bravely come forward and reach out. As you did this, and began learning to love yourself through this gently, you also helped us to remember we are never alone in this battle against alcoholism - or ANYTHING! So glad you're here : ) Welcome aboard!
Feeling worse or feeling like you were ignoring the reality of it all....at least that's how I felt. The truth is scary and overwhelming. It is much easier to keep ignoring the signs you really don't want to see. That's what blinds us into falling into the sickness ourselves. One day at a time. Deep breathe and remind yourself to be kind to yourself. You will notice eventually after much reading and sharing it is possible to find a way to resent the alcoholism and not the alcoholic. I like the slap a big A on their forehead when they are behaving inappropriately because then I stop focusing on the alcoholic and more on the disease and become empathic and detached at that moment. It oddly enough brings a bit of peace to my mind and stops me in my tracks from reacting in a negative manner that only makes the situation worse. It all starts out so foggy but eventually your mind will begin to clear. Just keep coming back.
Marie Yes I think it is feeling like you were ignoring the reality. I know I was. And now that I am not, I hate it LOL All I have done today is cry thank goodness I am alone at the office. Hence me finally doing this. It does help knowing you are not alone and it will HELP once I learn how to deal with him...... sober :) He isn't going to like Al-Anon very much (he meaning the addict) my babes encourages me to do this thank god! Let's see if that changes
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Every accomplishment starts with the decision to try.
Al-Anon is about you , for you . His drinking is causing you a problem period. We don't talk about the alcoholic in our meetings we talk about how to detach from their behavior . You asked who will you go home to tonite your baby or the addict ? Your baby " IS " the addict. In our meetings you will learn about the disease of addiction , and meet people who have been where your at , you need support we cannot do this alone . Nothing you say or do will make the alcoholic stop drinking , I was told I simply was not that powerful . We are enablers , we continue to accept unexceptable behavior over and over again , we lie for them , we cover up their mistakes , we make excuses for their behavior. Until we stop doing those things nothing is going to change . His addiction has nothing to do with not loving you , if love could cure this disease there would be no need for AA or Al-Anon . Please find meetings for yourself and get your life back on track , this program dosent promise to save relationships but it does promise to return us to sanity . It only takes one person to change to create change .
