The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know that being in the present moment is what I need to do but for the past few days I have been worried about my exbf, the active alcoholic. I have been thinking about him a lot again, for no reason, maybe because I am living alone and have no bf present in my life, nor am I dating. The ex was the one that abused me severly and is now in jail for what he did to me. I am getting nervous as its october and court is Dec 17-19. I am feeling shame and guilt about what he did to me and feel its somehow my fault. I know I did the proper thing by getting the authorities involved but for some strange reason, I am feeling like I caused the abuse. I feel awfully guilty for putting him in jail. I know he deserves to behind bars for the abuse he inflected on me for no reason, but I can not shake this terrrible shame or guilt. I was doing so well, attending therapy and feeling at peace. Now, I feel uncertain, nervous and scared to face him again, and having to relive the nightmare over in court. He has plead NG to the charges and I feel so afraid, I will not be believed and he will get out. I fear if he gets out, I will be a target and he will come after me for sure. I am just feeling nervous and had prayed to high power for his will to do be done, but the fear is there. I just had to share this as its starting to take over me mor and more as each day passess and the days come closer to December. I am so grateful I am free of him and fear I will remain alone, though I am not searching for a relationship at this time. Any words of support would help.
Thanks,
-- Edited by joker on Monday 7th of October 2013 04:24:59 PM
Just remember what you may have said no matter how terrible it was he never has a right to touch you. NEVER. Just tell the courts what you have told us. No quilt, no fear, only the truth. HE ABUSED YOU and anyone that hurts somebody physically needs to put in their place to learn and pay for that they did. They need much help so they can get better. He will pay for his actions.
You let go let God........and know you are not alone and pray he gets the help he needs.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I can think of three important things for you. 1. Is get a restraining order if you don't already have one. 2. Take a friend to court with you don't go alone. 3. Do not look at him avoid his eyes.... when I went to divorce court my X was still trying to intimidate me right there in the court room by staring at me, I took a friend and she said he wouldn't take his eyes off of me. Do everything within the law to keep yourself safe.... He has no right to hurt you physically or mentally....even if he thinks he has a reason.....In Support OG
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
The guilt and shame belongs to him - not you. "I'm not in the courtroom right now. I'm not facing him right now. I'm safe." These words can help you when the fearful ones occur. Projection into the future can make your perfectly safe and uneventful day a nightmare if you allow the fearful thoughts to take hold.
Some suggestions that helped me: Meetings, time with friends, not being home alone for long periods of time will help you build more positive memories, too, to counterbalance the past memories of abuse. Men who hit women to me are cowards. The more you surround yourself with healthy, supportive people, the safer you will feel because your self-confidence will grow. The fearful thoughts you're having now if you're like me can be seen simply as low self-esteem trying to get your attention. Make asset and gratitude lists. Call your sponsor. Don't try to struggle with this all by yourself or just on MIP. Healthy people in your life and happy hobbies can make all the difference for you.
I Got Flowers Today We had our first argument last night, and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said, because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night he threw me into a wall and started to choke me. It seemed like a nightmare, I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over. I know he must be sorry cause he sent me flowers today.
I got flowers today, and it wasn't mother's day or any other special day. Last night, he beat me up again, it was much worse than all the other times. If I leave him, what will I do? How will I take care of my kids? What about money? I'm afraid of him and scared to leave. But I know he must be sorry because he sent me flowers today. I got flowers today. Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral! Last night, he finally killed me. He beat me to death. If only I had gathered enough courage to leave him, I would not have gotten flowers today.......
And you didn't cause the abuse, you can't control the abuse and you can't cure the abuse.
Abusers tells us that if we'd only did this or didn't do that, whether it happened or didn't happen, we begin to believe their crap. We not only believe it. We internalize it. So, of course you feel guilty and think you caused the abuse. And that will change with Al-Anon, a good therapist skilled in domestic abuse, doing things you love to do and trying new things you'd love to do. One day, you may wake up and feel very, very angry at HIM - not you - for what he did to you and tried to do to you. That would be a healthy anger and it will help heal any guilt you feel for his abusing you because he could - no other reason.
Feeling anger about somebody abusing you because he could is a good thing. What we do with the anger can be a problem. So, if you do feel anger at some point - let yourself feel it and then go plant a garden full of your favorite flowers or vegetables, paint a room in your house, write a poem or a song, do a tango, beat a drum, polish a hardwood floor, sing a new song. Just don't sit on it or stuff it or tell yourself you're wrong for feeling angry about what he did to you because he could. Just don't use it to hurt yourself or him.
((((Joker)))) you are not the reason for his fear which caused the violence. That you loved yourself enough to protect yourself is the self love we learn in recovery. There is "No Justification" for violence. God work...proper response to violence. Peggy's share is right on. Don't let it happen again. (((((hugs)))))
