The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As usual your post was filled with much humor, wisdom, awareness, acceptance and sadness.
I am so very sorry that you and your daughter are living in this madness . I do understand the drama and the cycle.that you are caught in You are getting stronger and I think that sharing here is extremely important to that process.
It is equally important to verbalize our true feeling and put them out in the universe. Since this is difficult for people who live with, or have lived with the disease of alcoholism, face to face meetings provide the safe place to express who we are as it is so very important to hear our voice speak our truth Sharing on the telephone and at face to face meeting helps us to verbalize our true feeling which is the first step in being able to say whet we mean , mean what we say without saying it mean.
I re- learned how to be in the world by practicing new ways and new tools in alanon meetings and over the telephone to alanon members.
I am glad you are attending meetings and have a telephone number. This is a process and I pray that you continue to see and accept that you are an exceptional women who deserves, the respect , dignity and security that each human being requires to live life.
I know HP wants you to live a constructive life and pray that you pick up your new tools, daily and will soon be walking down a different road"
In support Melly
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 7th of October 2013 08:35:00 AM
AB wasn't happy about me going away to visit family. (Yes, this will begin with a quick whinge and wtf? about He Who Must Not Be Named but don't worry, it's coming around to me and what I'm doing to feel better and take charge of my own happiness )
Anyway not long after I returned home he barricaded himself in his room as usual and had nothing to say to me that didn't contain 4 letters.
The next day he came home from work and accused me of being drunk (there was an open beer on my desk). I tried to be friendly but he stormed into his room and again barricaded the door. I heard the sounds of many beer cans opening from within as the night progressed; recently he's decided to go English and drink it at room temperature. That way he doesn't have to dismantle his furniture fortress every ten minutes when he requires another beverage. Then he pees in the empty cans. As one can is emptied, another is filled. This is synergy in motion. Just beautiful. The full cans of urine serve as a further deterrent to ensure that I will never attempt to enter his bedroom/lavatory/compost heap when he is absent. Not even if it is on fire and is filled with crying puppies.
So the next day I asked him why he was being so nasty and giving me filthy looks when I could think of nothing I might have done to upset him. He raved on and on about how he "came home from work wanting to spend the night with me me but I was drunk and abusive". He also stated that "I wouldn't even remember how horrible I was to him because I was so drunk". That must have been one powerful beer I drank. Potent enough to make me black right out, because I surely don't remember anything other than a 30 second conversation where I tried to be nice and he stormed off. Gaslighting, or trying to convince himself I am the one with the problem to make himself feel better? I'm leaning towards gaslighting. Any time I have had any alcohol he tries to convince me of terrible wrong-doings that never happened. Back when I used to binge-drink and get drunk, it worked because I wasn't sure of my memories. It sure doesn't work now and it's a little bit unsettling to realise the extent of the lies he will tell me and the awful guilt he tries to put upon me when he thinks I won't remember the truth. Well I can state confidently that I was neither drunk nor abusive and it's disturbing that he thought he could convince me that I had been.
Anyway I felt miserable the next day, I won't lie. It all got to be too much and I felt sad and hurt. I went to a friends for a bbq on Saturday but struggled to find a smile or anything to say which is a shame because making friends is supposed to be high on my list of things I am doing for ME. When we arrived home, AB was suddenly all smiles and cuddles and offered to go for pizza and watch a show with us. Being the pathetic codependant wretch I am, I hadn't eaten much at the bbq but suddenly, with my AB being friendly to me, my appetite miraculously returned and off we went for pizza.
On the drive home he started getting nasty again and picking on my daughter relentlessly for no reason and I knew I had made a mistake. When we sat down, he started ripping up the pizza boxes carrying on about how we aren't using plates and there will be food on the floor. (This from the man who vomits and spills beer all over the house and refuses to clean it, drops his cigarette butts on the floor, and so on. He's furious that we are willing to risk dropping a few crumbs).
THEN he couldn't pick up his pizza properly and started swearing and mashing at it with his fingers (he didn't actually seem to be drunk, just inexplicably angry) and eventually threw a huge tantrum and hurled the mangled pizza at the floor. He stormed off to his room telling us we had ruined his dinner and he was going to his room and we weren't to bother him ever again. I've never seen a grown man (or even a child) have so much trouble handling a pizza. And to throw it on the floor in a rage, then blame someone else- good God. As he left, my daughter hissed at me- "Mum, how is it our fault that he's too retarded to eat a pizza?" and I couldn't bring myself to tell her off for being unkind because we were both choking so hard with silent laughter. And she doesn't normally call people unkind names, I figured she was entitled to be a little pissed off. Then, my daughter pointed out that is was a real shame because it was actually MY pizza he had mangled and thrown on the floor, not his own and that made me laugh until there were tears in my eyes.
Shortly afterwards he came out and took away HIS pizza. (It was my fault he destroyed mine you see). My daughter didn't feel like eating after all of the drama so she put hers in the fridge and said "mum, how about we share this one tomorrow". But of course the A got hungry during the night and bless his little cotton socks, he ate that too. So the end result was- my pizza was mashed into a ball and thrown on the floor and my daughter's pizza was stolen. He ate 2 pizzas and WE were evil because we had ruined his dinner.
After that I didn't see him for about 36 hours as he was again behind his barricade, fuming.
So, I hurt, once the laughter subsided. I really did. I couldn't bring myself to do much of anything on Sunday except for feel wretched and miserable and pathetic. But as the day wore on I decided that this just wasn't going to do at all and somehow through it all, I kept feeling urges to knock on his door and apologise, even though I couldn't think of a single thing to be sorry FOR.
So, I read on here a bit, and went to bed early and meditated and prayed. And I had terrible nightmares all night (as tends to happen when there has been an "incident" and woke at around 5am with a thought in mind...THIS. These nightmares; THESE are my powerlessness. It isn't that I am powerless over HIM or HIS ACTIONS (although that is true). I am powerless over MY REACTIONS, that fight-or-flight response, the inability to eat when he is angry, the sad and dejected way I become when he is unhappy with me, my inability to function properly when things are "bad" between us and moreover- my inablity to say NO when he wants to be "nice" and my instincts are begging me to stay away from him but somehow I end up playing the loving girlfriend again and forgetting everything that is so terribly wrong in this relationship.
THIS is what I am powerless over. So I prayed about that and woke up feeling quite light and happy. (Then I got up and read Betty's post on the step-work board about how she had prayed for the hurt to go away, then slept and woke up with it gone) and I just smiled.
I felt great this morning. It was time to get my teeth into doing some real things for myself. And for the first time in a long time, I achieved stuff. I studied, I exercised, I cleaned, I walked the dog when my girl got home. And spent some time doing step-work exercises. And I did all of that WITH He Who Must Not Be Named angry with me. Somewhere in the last couple of months, I really think I lost contact with HP and started seeing all of this as my responsibility. And so I became more and more tired, sad, hopeless. That connection needs to be built properly and maintained. So how frightfully well timed that it's step 2 being discussed on that board this week. Time to roll up my sleeves, I think.
You and your daughter are living with a mentally ill, dangerous man. Your re-connection with your HP will lighten your load and it is wonderful that you have experienced light in this dark situation. Now, are you prepared in the event you and your daughter need to leave immediately? I don't recall you speaking of your daughter being picked on before...this is concerning. It sounds like she feels comfortable in expressing herself to you, hopefully, she does not feel any responsibility for causing any of this craziness. Do you have a sponsor that you can call? Keep sharing here, you are deeply cared for.
Paula, I've been prepared to leave on short notice for a long time.
Months ago, when I first started this journey I was going strong and that first understanding of, and connection with my HP was a huge part of that.
But, his "crazy" goes in cycles, and just as I get myself to a happy and confident place where I feel like it's time to leave, suddenly he is sweetness and love and normal behaviour and I allow myself to get drawn in again.
Then the crazy comes back. I see the cycle, and I see that I cannot manage it, nor can I manage the ridiculous hope I feel when he is consistantly nice for a few weeks, nor the heartsick and pathetic feelings I have each time he turns into a lunatic again. In fact I doubt I can manage anything as long as I remain in the same home with him. I feel a bit sad and blindsided that I really did get drawn in again. AGAIN!!
He doesn't generally have much to do with my child as I told him a long time ago that he wasn't in any fit state to parent a child (his idea of parenting is to pick, yell and pick some more) and that I would not under any circumstances tolerate her being picked on or made miserable. Until the other night, he has honoured that and simply been casually friendly to her. Generally they don't cross paths with one another at all as he arrives home after she is in bed and I try to take her elsewhere on her "at home" weekends and during school holidays.
She knows that he is unwell and that it is not her fault nor is it mine. That's not to suggest that it's a great living situation for her, just that she doesn't come into contact with him very much.
I don't have a sponsor but a lady at my meeting gave me her phone number. I don't really like talking on the phone to be honest, in fact I hate it and avoid it like the plague.
I'm more of a typer, hence my endless babbling here lol.
Sometimes it all seems so managable, and I forget how bad it was, and how bad it can get again. But it's definitely in a downward spiral right now.
I felt very uneasy reading your post, I'm afraid for your safety and that of your innocent daughter. The man has clearly gone over the edge. Someone posted something on here that really struck a cord with me....Pretend you are an outsider and watching a movie of what goes on , seeing yourself, and your little girl be tormented. If this was happening to a beloved friend, what would you want her to do????? Sometimes when you are in the middle of it, I think you can't see the forest for the trees, Mel the forest is on fire!!!
You are a good, kind person who deserves better. It's your job in life to keep your little girl safe. You know what you need to do.
Praying you can find the strength to get away from him.
Melly, I've never met you, and I've only read two of your posts. From just those two snippits of your life.... This man is clearly insane, abusive, and neither you nor your daughter deserve to be involved in such madness. You are worth more. The fact that you've been 'ready to leave on a moment's notice' shows just how much you do not trust this man and fear for your safety.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 7th of October 2013 03:29:25 PM
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 7th of October 2013 03:34:49 PM
Melly, At first, I did not like talking on the phone to my sponsor...in general, I am not a chatty person on the phone, so getting in a routine of weekly calls to my sponsor was uncomfortable....and I was unsettled being that vulnerable. Despite my discomfort, I did it and now it is comfortable. It may be the next step. You have dipped your toes in the waters with us; take your recovery a step further and you will gain the strength and courage to expand your trust to another human being. In this lady that gave you her phone number may be the soul of an angel waiting to take you under her wings a bit....reach for her wing.
I was up most of last night because I feel like I'm on replay mode. That idea that we keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome. Insanity.
God grant US the SERENITY to accept the things we can not change
COURAGE to change the things we can
and the WISDOM to know the difference
I will pray for you, just as I pray for myself, that we will find the fog lifting and see things more clearly so that we will do what needs to be done.
Thanks all
I know it might make people uneasy reading about some of the lunacy that goes on. But when I write about events, I find myself going back to delete things that are "too disturbing" and then I think- is there any point writing this if I am going to edit and sugar-coat it? Isn't that sort of what I keep doing to myself, to make it possible for me to keep enduring it? Edit, sugar-coat, don't think about the really horrible bits? How will that help? And I'm pretty sure I'm not the only person living with a fair amount of insanity in their home.
There are actually 2 f2f meetings in my town. One is during the day, on a Wednesday and that is the one I have attended. There are only 2 members there and I felt a bit pressured to share immediately and also as if a lot of focus was on me. The lady chairing the meeting (who was sweet and lovely and also the same lady who gave me her phone number) also expressed to me that "people seem to come to the meeting once and then don't come back. I don't know what we are doing to drive them away". Well I have to confess I haven't been back for a couple of weeks. I just felt quite pressured and as if I was responsible for "not letting them down" by attending. The I missed a meeting and felt guilty...well, you know the story. There is also a night-time meeting on a Thursday that apparently has more members. But I would have to take my daughter and she would just hate it.
Well, I mentioned to this one friend I have recently made (my one and only friend in the world lol) that I have started going to alanon. (She's a pretty easy person to talk to, she's lived through her share of crap, is a single mum and also works as a counsellor so she wasn't terribly surprised). So I thought maybe, I could ask her to mind my daughter while I attend, now that I've thrown it out there.
Mari, thanks. I'll send some prayers and love and support right back at you
I am glad that you feel safe enough to share with such honesty and humility. That is how the program works. As for speaking at meetings, I did not speak at a meeting for over a year. I attended, introduced myself and said I was not comfortable speaking and that I wanted to simply listen and learn. I was welcomed and accepted . You are free to do that as well.
Hi Melly, Thanks for sharing. I think you are right to post these dark events, an abuser likes to isolate their victim in order to gain more control. I recognise the whole cycle of complete a-hole to sweet man to complete a-hole. It is a tactic, its like classic conditioning. You know when they gave mice (i think) a treat very occasionally but punishment regularly. This was the most effective way to gain control. Im not saying your partner is doing this with complete consciousness but he has learned what works with you just like my ex did with me. Some people are master manipulators, its part of alcoholism for sure.
You say your daughter doesnt come into contact much with your partner and at least thats one less worry for you but dont you think she is aware of the power and control this man has over his Mother? My kids knew, no matter how much I told myself that they didnt and it has a big effect, dont kid yourself on that one. Im glad you have gotten yourself to meetings, are you attending with an open mind or a closed mind? I ask because its so important because no matter what the set up I think there is something to learn from every single meeting, if you really listen with an open mind.
In your earlier post you said you felt like you have no control over this cycle that you feel trapped in. But you have so much power, its all about believing it, thats what alanon gives you, the gift of self belief, again though, its not about being a passive member at meetings, its about truly listening, hope will come when you are ready, when you have had enough of being the victim and the martyr that we all tend to become when living with alcoholism.
I am so glad you have reached out, that is the beginning of an amazing journey. This forum can teach you so much, look at some members early posts, follow their story and see the progress. You can have that too. Your life does not have to be this way. Take care, keep in touch.x
Pour it out...there is healing in writing it and seeing it as you write and read. When the dark sees the light, the power of it begins to dissolve. Keep being honest...the good, bad and ugly (wasn't there a song or a show with that title)???
Love your picture. You and your daughter look lovely.
Thank you so much for your honesty and humility You have a great deal of wisdom and are so intelligent as far as the "Games People Play"
I am pleased that you felt safe enough to share what is happening and how you feel You are a competent, intelligent women who had been subjected to this terrible home situation, Please check out the Women's Support line in your community or
one of these national numbers
Battered Womens Justice Project: 1-800-903-0111. National Organization for Victims Assistance: 1-800-879-6682 National Resource Center for Domestic Violence: 1-800-537-2238 US Domestic Violence Hotline/ General Information: 1-800-799-7233
Remember "911" is always an option. You are a bright, beautifull women with fantastic writing ability. Believe that and that your daughter will thrive any place that her healthy mom chooses.
Please keep coming back You are gaining strength and determination with each post
--
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 7th of October 2013 09:56:02 PM
The picture makes me look like a goldfish lol. Daughter and I found it the other day on my camera and we can't remember what made her laugh so much or shocked me so. But it makes me smile and I put it here for fun. Don't worry, I don't usually look that deranged!
Things really are heading downwards here.
el-cee, you are right. Do you know, I was studying a counselling unit as part of my course 3 years ago and we were doing a section on domestic violence. We talked about how abusers isolate their victims. I attended the class with a black eye and a cut on my forehead and the teacher took me aside after the class and told me that she felt I had great aptitude but that I needed to get out of my domestic situation and focus. I remember just thinking "does she think I'm rude because I'm standing on a platform and looking down at her?" That's how numb and stupid I was. She was trying to get through to me.
When I arrived home that day, the A was looking at houses near the beach on the internet. He said that he wanted to move there (as he was working there). I remembered what we had just learnt about victim-isolation so I said no. So he decided he was leaving me and became very nasty. Over the coming weeks (he was living in my flat at the time) I became hysterical. Don't leave me! Take me with you! He kept saying no, I don't want you anymore. We are over. I was out of my mind with grief. When I look back now, it's laughable. He was never going to leave me. He was just trying to break me down into a compliant desperate mess. He did an expert job. He actually got me to beg him to let me do something that I really didn't want to do. And I was so sick that I played right into it.
Somehow I ended up begging to go with him and he found a great 4 bedroom rental house and I threw everything to the wind and moved away from friends, family and resources. When I was faced with him abandoning me, I just lost all control of my mind. As he knew I would.
For 3 months or so, life was amazing. We lived at the beach and had bbq's every night and he was so sweet and loving to both of us. It was like a dream. He was the perfect partner and the perfect step-dad. I was so happy. I forgot everything.
But the abuse came back. 18 months later I was on the tail-end of more black eyes and broken bones than I care to recount. One time he actually bruised my entire upper arm; the whole thing was black from elbow to shoulder. My mum saw it and I told her that I had gotten drunk and fallen over in my chair and squashed my arm. I always explained the injuries by saying "I got drunk and fell". I made people believe that I was the village idiot rather than tell the truth. (He never touched my daughter. He was mean and abusive to her but he never touched her. I couldn't have tolerated that and would have had him locked up instantly and he knew it. That doesn't make it ok that I made her live through it but I need to at least say I have never and would never let him physically hurt her). That was when I started feeling too sick to move or do anything about my situation. I knew he had isolated me. I even coined a term for the tricks he was using- "abuser 101". But everything was too hard by then. I lived so far from everyone, and I don't drive, and I had lent him all of my savings. I had also been working at his job (without pay) every day for a long time so I had nothing, really. I didn't have a choice (I thought). He said if I didn't go to work and mow lawns he would quit "his" job and I would be stuck paying the rent by myself. My daughter was thriving at the little country school she was attending (in spite of the abuse). The STUPID thing that I haven't understood until now is that she will thrive wherever she is. She's just that kind of kid. But she had been very sick with a bowel disease for years before we moved to the beach and after, she got better and started living a normal life. I attributed it to living at the beach and going to a little country school with nice kids and hands-on teachers. My logic is awesome. I didn't want to leave, for her.
Our house was put on the market and the new owners said that they wanted to rent to us as we were great tenants. Then they came by one day when the A was drunk and a few days later we received an eviction notice.
I decided to leave him.
Suddenly, the great guy came back. He found us a new house and devoted all of his time and attention to us. He loved us. He was so, so sorry. I fell for it again! (I know that is unimaginable and there is something very wrong with me).
We moved to another house nearbye and he was great for a few weeks. Then the abuser came back again.
I was sick to death of it by this stage. I had borrowed books from the library and spent a lot of time on the internet studying abusive relationships and I really knew my stuff by then. I packed my bags and was walking out the door. So he reformed, for real. He was perfect and sweet for almost 8 months. I mean, he really changed. He was unpleasant at times and sometimes stressful, but not abusive. Mostly he was sweet and loving. We were in love and he had problems and I had problems but we were working together to get through them. And no matter what, we were meant to be together, or so he said. I really don't know what's wrong with me, or why I needed to believe it again but I did.
Now it's back and it's escalating so fast.
I made a stupid, stupid decision. Again. No-one needs to tell me that.
Last night he came out, drunk and happy and sweet and asked me if he could use my credit card to pay for his on-line game. I said no, because that is a boundary I have made. I won't enable his computer-game addiction in any way. He screamed at me and called me names. I thought, oh well. He'll get over it. I went to bed.
This morning I woke and he was shouting drunkenly at the phone. I got up and started doing uni work. He came in and pushed my monitor over and swept everything on my desk into my lap and called me a bitch. He held his hand up for a long time to hit me but I didn't give him a reason so he pounded the desk and walked away. He was spoiling to hit me, I could see it so I just cowered and said I was sorry. Not because I was sorry but because he was extremely drunk and dangerous and sorry was the only sensible way to be.
He announced that we are over, because I'm such a bitch that he can't stand to be with me anymore. He warned me that I had better find somewhere else to live because he is leaving "in a month".
Then he threw my car-key at me (he actually tried to throw it like a ninja-star at my forehead) and staggered off into the world. I don't know where he has gone or if or when he will come back. He had nothing in his hands when he left and I know he has no money so he can't get any drunker. Clearly he isn't going to work today and I think he was shouting at his boss on the phone earlier. Clearly life is about to dissintegrate.
el-cee, that mouse experiment you talked about is called a skinner box. I've been living in one for a long time but I haven't chosen to get out. I just keep pressing the bar and getting my shocks. Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage.
I guess I won't be able to post on here anymore after admitting all of that because it's so disgusting and shameful.
But thank-you to the friends I have met and all of the ESH you have shared with me.
Of course you can keep coming back and share with us, we are your MIP family and are here to love and support you during this time no matter what shame or anything you are feeling. We are here for you no matter what you have done, your A has done or any of it. I am not judging you, I want to extend all the love I have within me for you and I wish you wanted as much for you and your daughter as I and others want for you, but until you are ready, you are worthy and deserving of coming here and being a gift to us with your words and your ESH. You can leave, stay or anything in between in your situation, because it is your life and only you know what works for you right now. We all care and Do Not mean to make you feel like running away and hiding, please don't isolate yourself from us! I am sending you much love and support on your recovery journey!!!!
__________________
Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Same as the others have stated, please be sure to have a safety plan and several back ups. Let the Battered Women's shelter help you with this. Please don't wait. Active addiction is progressive and the cycle of abuse (sweet to violent) will typically shorten and escalate. I never would have thought it was something that I needed, but a day did come, and it was a huge relief that I was able to keep myself and my daughter safe.
You believe it is shameful and disgusting...it is not. Shame keeps us sick, sick, sick. Taking risks to be vulnerable decreases shame's power. Have faith in our listening and reflections. We see in you what you cannot.
Melly, all of us love you. Domestic violence is horrible. But you are not alone and have nothing to be ashamed of. I think your posts and the courage it took to post about this was amazing. You are not stupid or weak. I had 2 masters degrees and am a professional counselor and wound up a drunk and also in a relationship with another alcoholic. Just like his alcoholism, you did not cause, cannot control, and can't cure his violence. I see you as a stong survivor and I respect that. Sound like you are hitting your breking point with this. Please just stick with us and allow folks to care. There is hope.
(((((Melly)))))...look up all you can about the disease and the diseased...alcoholism and alcoholic...the information is invaluable. I did and even went to college to come to understand what it was and who it was in my life. Psycological descriptions of Manic/Depressive and Bi-Polar and alcohol induced paranoia were very informative for me and the more I learned the more I could prepare myself to moving toward my own recovery even while my wife continued to drink and use. Understand the last word of the second step "...Sanity". That is one of the consequences of my own recovery that I wanted sooooo much...to be sane. I wouldn't wish what you're going thru on you for any period of time...long or short...no matter how much or little kindness you get when ever you get it. I learned that how you are being treated is often intentional by the alcoholic because they know that those who love them will always be there. That what people who love do with alcoholics...they take crap and return it with love. When I found out that there never was a law or a contract available that said I "had to do it" is when I stopped doing it. I didn't get angry anymore, or rageful, or fearful even...I got detached and got going.
I listen in pictures, metaphors, and the pictures I got made me fearful and sad. You sure have learned some solid coping skills...great for surviving. (((((hugs)))))
Thank-you, so much, everyone. Seriously. Your replies were like a giant hug on a day when I really needed one. ((((everyone))))
I've been on my own crazy train all day- hysterical laughter alternating with hysterical crying. Fun stuff.
I know I went a bit overboard with details and I'm sorry for that (can't edit it now unfortunately) but I was so freaked out and afraid this morning. See, since I haven't been injured for so long (well, maybe 8 months but it seems like a long time) I had really convinced myself that it was in the past. But more than that, I had convinced myself that he had stopped hurting me because he loves me so much and never ever wanted to hurt me again (lol, because that's what he told me). I didn't realise how strongly I believed that bunch of bull until this morning when the bubble burst. I could see how badly he wanted me to give him a reason to hit me. I've wondered over the past few weeks if his deranged behaviour was designed to bait me into having a meltdown, thus giving him an excuse. That feeling, hunched down with my arms over my head and saying sorry brought back a stack of awful memories, all of the horrible stuff that I have been trying to forget. It's all happening again and it will happen again and again. There's just no way around it. I wanted so badly to believe it was gone, as if he had been possessed but was now not possessed or something like that. (Not literally but you know what I mean. I wanted to believe he had overcome that side of himself, for me).
You know part of the staying has been to try and disprove the past- if I can just make it work and have a happy family then it doesn't matter that I stayed through hell and put my daughter through it too. Ugh
He is still saying he hates me, we are over and he is moving out. Maybe he really will, because I don't give him the responses that I used to. I'm probably not as much fun now that I don't engage or let him see that his behaviour upsets me.
Anyway enough is enough. I'm so tired of hurting and being afraid all the time. (Although I'm not sure I have ever really done anything else. What DO people do instead of hurt and be afraid?)
Now I have to think practicalities and that's a real brain breaker
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Tuesday 8th of October 2013 09:05:36 AM
Skimmers box. That's it. I've been in it too. Come on. You can't back out now. No-one here will judge you. We've all been abused in some way or other. Maybe it's time to let it go and begin the recovery process.x
(((((Melly))))) we don't sit in judgement, we are all damaged one way or another by this hateful disease, this is why we are here, and why we keep coming back.recovery is a day at a time job for all of us
Progress not perfection
We are safe in the rooms at f2f meetings and we are safe here, we can share with honesty and know we won't be judged or criticised
We can learn and grow if we are willing.
Thank you for trusting us with your shares, re-read them without shame or blame but through the eyes of a brave woman who is willing to change the things she can.
You deserve to be treated with love and respect and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
I too thought I wasn't healing enough to be on this board. I don't have a sponsor so I can't be here. I still did the wrong things so I can't be here. Others would get sick and tired of me for my repeated mistakes. I want to leave my SO but I can't right now so I don't deserve to be here. I wasn't changing so I can't be here.
Iwas wrong......this is WHY I'm here because I need help one day at a time.
Keep coming back because you are not alone here
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Please keep coming back and sharing. Please do not isolate yourself not after all you have been through. No one is here to judge you. We have nothing but compassion to offer you. You are such a beautiful soul. I have many demons in my closet and I am not brave enough yet to share them all. My ex A came at me with fists waving while I was carrying a 6 month old child because I would not go up town to buy him more beer. I caved and in the middle of the snow storm drove up town with kids and him just to prove the beer store was not open because I was so scared. Please you are not alone. Let us share and stand together. United we stand, divided we fall. I understand the sweet to nasty and all the crazy in between. I still love that man but I loved myself enough to find a way out and still struggle to stay out of that insanity. Yet still here I have come around again with another child and another A on hand and another insanity. We need to live the lives we wish upon our children. They learn what they live. That's what keeps me going. I need recovery. Please be kind to yourself and stop punishing yourself. I wish I could jump through this computer and give you a great big hug and tell you its going to be okay. You are worth it.
These kinds of questions are an open invitation for your HP to give you the answers...there is doing and there is being. Stay with the steps of recovery and you will get your answers one day at a time. First things first and I see that as doing to be safe. (((hugs)))
You don't need him, Melly, to survive. You do need you to survive. And your daughter needs you, too. I wasn't sure that I could raise two kids on my own in a world that at that time was incredibly hostile to divorce, divorced women and women alone with children with only a high school degree. It was hard but not as hard as living with a man who acted like he named himself - "The Captain of the Ship." He did me a favor. He helped me learn that I could live alone as a single woman raising two kids without fear of the swat team closing in on our house because he did drugs, without the fear that he would hit me while I slept, without the fear that my kids might be the next to be abused by him, without having people in my house that I didn't trust and couldn't abide. I ended up doing everything I had been told I couldn't do - own property in my name, raise two kids on my own, follow my bliss, run a business, and do what I wanted to do not what I was told I could do. He died at 51. I'll be 65 soon. I'm in good health. That wouldn't be true if I stayed with him. Not only did I make it, I never filed bankruptcy - I paid off every nickel of my share of our married debt - and moved away from the source of abuse in my life. You can take good care of yourself and of your daughter, Melly. It won't be easy but nothing that is worthwhile in life ever is. I'm not special. I'm just an ordinary woman who made a bad choice in the man I married. My HP helped me move through that chapter of my life and I've written many more since then. My life story would have ended before I reached 35 if I had chosen to stay. If I could make it, anybody could make it.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 9th of October 2013 12:02:58 AM
A couple other things Melly - Yeah he does sound like he has anger issues that are beyond alcoholism and exacerbated by alcoholism, but not caused by it.
Despite that, you are also describing a pattern of increasingly dysfunctional drinking with your ABF. When I hear stories in AA about people barricading themselves in rooms and being too lazy to piss in the toilet, those are the low bottom drunk stories. That is FAR progressed alcholism. I doubt he will move out. He is very far progressed and wants you to save him. Wants you to stop the pain. When you cannot, you get blamed for the pain. I would be surpised if there is any action for him to move out cuz where is his functioning level at? He lives to drink and to intimidate you and hold you hostage to keep this going. He is likely not going anywhere but further down the path of active alcholism.
You have choices to make. What's in the future for him: get fired, hole up, die, get committed, what will you do?
Grateful2be has shared a very difficult,positive, honest chapter in her journey. It is so important to know that her experience is very similar to mine. I too was in a very difficult marriage with huge debt a child and was a stay at home mom. My hubby passed at 49 and I was left with all the credit card debt, no money in the bank and no support . HP truly directed my path into a position with a career path that provided me with enough salary to pay off all the debt and build a successful life for myself and son.
We do understand that it is frightening to make the first move but once that is done there is a world of help, support and compassion out there. You are not alone There is help and hope
I know that people have made it out of this mess before me, and thank-you for sharing that with me. On one hand it gives me hope, on the other it terrifies me!
Where things are at today:
He is still so, so angry that he will not look at me or speak to me. I tried once last night to say hello to him when I met with him in the kitchen and the response was to scream at me, call me awful names and then do a little dance and imitation of me that was nasty beyond belief (and also bizarre and childish). It shouldn't matter but I have just felt sick, so so sick and if I don't continually stay mindful of my thinking, I slip into thinking "if only I'd paid for his game, if only I had...". I know how wrong that thinking is but it's taking a lot of effort to avoid it. I just keep reminding myself that if I let those feelings kick and scream until they are done, they will subside. But for right now, I just feel ill and it's very, very hard to focus on anything else because of the constant thought...."Is he really leaving me?". Of COURSE that isn't what I should be concerned with but it's a paralyzing fear for me and the reason I have tolerated so much for so long; the thought that I cannot bear to have another person leave me or to realise that I never meant anything to him in the first place. It's really sick thinking, but I know from experience it will take me a couple of days to stop feeling so ill. Not speaking to him and not attempting to engage him and make peace is taking all of my effort right now but I know that any contact with him- good or bad- will just prolong the process. So this is the best I can do for me, for today. Get through and not give in to the urge to try to "fix" things.
Worst effect is that I cannot eat when I feel like this. I can try and try but the thought of food turns my stomach. I've been trying to eat a banana for 2 hours now, one tiny nibble at a time. First food for 2 days. I know that's ridiculous and it isn't helping me in the slightest but I am always like this when things get bad so I figure this time I have to remember, it will pass and turn it into something positive by positive affirmations, prayer and maintaining complete distance from him. I know it's likely very hard to understand why I react with such sickness and misery just because someone crazy and mean has decided he doesn't like me anymore...but he has been like this many, many times in the past and my response is always utter physical and emotional sickness that lasts for days and intermittent attempts to hug him and make peace... and each rejection makes me all the sicker...so very very wrong. If I can get through it and come out the other side smiling without seeking a hug and assurance from him then it will be, to me, a success and a reason to celebrate.
My friend was here this evening; I have been feeling bad because I've spent a lot of time dumping on her and complaining when she's been making such an effort to be a friend. Well I was surprised that she walked in and opened up and dumped a little of her own emotional stuff on me; I thought wow, if what she has gotten from it is the idea that we can share some of the hard stuff with each other then that's just awesome. I mentioned briefly that things have gotten pretty nasty and she said something that struck me- "whatever you decide to do, you won't get better by hiding in the house for the rest of your life". True that. She also said that we can turn up there any time if we need to which is great because she lives around the corner.
I looked up resources today (thanks for the numbers Betty but I live in Australia so I have to find local services )
I am chewing over living options, none of them are very attractive but I am certain that if I stay on track, do what needs to be done and turn it over to HP, the answers will come. From my research I found that there are a number of services that can assist me.
I wish I knew why I have always reacted with such terror and sickness when people are angry with me, even if their anger is completely irrational and nothing to do with me. Or why it suddenly becomes the most important thing in the world to win back their affection. If I could just flip a switch and turn it off, I would but for now I just have to let it have its moment and stay on programme.
So, so jumpy. I screamed before when a fly buzzed close to my face.
Thanks all, so much. This helps, knowing I am not alone. More than I can say.
So happy that your friend stopped by , shared and that you checked out the recourses in your community That is a huge step Cong rats.
Knowing why we react in such a manner is not as important as knowing HOWto change the reaction into a constructive responseto such a situation.. Alanon gave me the new tools to change from survival mode to thriving
When I worked my 4 and 5 step I discover that I reacted as you described because:
I HAD ABANDONED MYSELF EARLY IN LIFE". I SAW HOW DANGEROUS THE WORLD WAS SO I TOOK MY SPIRIT BUILT A WALL AROUND IT AND THEN DEVELOPED TOOLS TO KEEP THE WORLD AWAY. I LEARNED TO MAKE MYSELF INVISIBLE, MAKE OTHERS IMPORTANT, TAKE CARE OF THEM, SO THEY WOULD TAKE CARE OF ME AND ALL IN ALL KEEP THE FOCUS OFF MYSELF. THIS WORKED AS A CHILD BUT AS AN ADULT IT RESULTED IN A TERRIBLE RESPONSE TO LIFE.
Melly you are not alone and you are doing well Just keep on sharing
Lots of prayers for peace, awareness of your HP, and willingness to receive those gifts into your mind and heart, sister. As all the others have said and Betty has summed up so nicely - you are not alone, you are doing well, and your sharing the truth of your life with others and with yourself is a step closer to that freedom you long for so deeply in your heart of hearts.
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