The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Some days, I don't know if I'm coming or going. I realize that I am in recovery as much as I wish my ABF would be, and this week I've had a relapse in co-dependent behavior. I can't seem to get rid of the hurt and anger that consumes me, and this weekend turned out to be the "kicker" for me. I can't seem to maintain a loving detachment from the daily freak show that is my household, and this week, I've angrily (hysterically?) confronted ABF several times about the fact that his sitting on the couch playing games, drinking binges, and trips to the back yard to smoke his "spice" and neglecting the house and any other relationship-oriented needs are killing any chance at our relationship surviving. I know attempting to communicate with an addict/alcoholic about issues is ultimately futile, and that my disease is feeding off of his disease. I suppose that just as he is trapped in his illness, I feel trapped in mine, as I keep watching myself cycle through these melodramatic episodes.
My work schedule has made it nearly impossible to commit to the 1Xwk f2f meeting in my area. I will look here for online times, and hopefully will be able to afford some reading materials this month.
Guys, I really need guidance, because I feel like I'm losing it. The angry part of me wants to kick ABF out immediately, the hurt part says to wait until my treatment progresses, and then there's the confused part that isn't sure that any of this is worth it. I also think that I have PTSD issues that are feeding into all of this.
Desperately seeking ESH tonight ;)
-- Edited by Raven Juniper on Monday 7th of October 2013 12:34:59 AM
Something in the air last night?
I felt like I was going to lose my mind. What is acceptable? What is not acceptable? What can I live with? What can I most certainly live without to gain back my sanity?
Detaching with love and setting boundaries for me. Its such a process and so easy to get lost in on a daily basis.
I set a boundary a few weeks ago and the line was crossed yesterday. Just as I discipline my kids I need to follow through. It breaks my heart and it will not be an easy road to travel for awhile. I get what they mean by not advising to go or stay. We need to find our own way. What is right for me may not be right for you.
The best thing you can do is ask HP for guidance, share with those of us here to listen. Read the literature and carve a new healthy path for you.
Frustrating right?
I have come to see clearly the cycle of insanity and nothing will change unless the change starts with me. Hence the boundaries and detaching with love.
Failure is to do nothing. You are here, and I see that as progress.
In love and support
M
Hi Raven, I so understand this feeling of spiralling. You are definetely not alone with that one. I think anger is sometimes needed to make changes but I am never sure what the correct thing to do is either. I like the idea of meditating and listening for the quiet voice within. Im not that great at that, my mind usually races, I want answers now but I dont often give my mind time to quieten down and listen to the answer hidden within.
I think its okay to set boundaries for your life at home, work out what is acceptable and unacceptable to you and stick with the consequences these boundaries may bring. Sounds easy but again Im not that great at that too. If I could do things this way I am sure my life would look much more like the life I want but I also think there would be no people in it at all.lol
I have found that having a sponsor to help facilitate working the steps is the most efficient way to process anger as it arises. Calling someone from the phone list is also helpful. Working things out with another Alanon member helps provide different perspectives.
Boundaries are for you and what keeps you in a place of healthy thinking. Simple but not easy.
The program about progress and not perfection, and, is about practice, practice, practice. Saying the serenity prayer repeatedly has given me an opportunity to let the strong emotions pass so that I can think more clearly. By keeping the focus on ourselves, we are able to detach with love. One day at a time, one minute at a time, sometimes one second at a time.
I wonder if this is a sign that you're becoming healthier? Your brain is saying, "This lifestyle is just definitely not working, and there have to be some changes!"? Of course we want change instantly, yet we need to get grounded before we can know exactly how to make change. But it may be that your impatience to get to a new, healthier, more serene life is your self-protective energy coming to the fore?
Thank you all again for the ESH. Mari, I felt that way too after reading the boards, hmmm, maybe the planets haven't been favoring harmonious relationships lately, lol. El-cee, I need to learn to meditate, but I have a hard time getting my mind to quiet down. Bud, yes, in the last month or so, I've realized that I do need to find a sponsor, as I have no support system accessible to me where I live. Mattie, I agree with what you said about getting healthier. It's been in the last couple of months that I've come to see just how sick I'd become, physically, spiritually, and mentally.
I ordered a couple of books today, and I would appreciate some recommendations for how to learn to set boundaries with ABF, because I don't have an idea how to go about this.
Hi, Raven. I hope that today you are experiencing a little more peace and a little more calm? I've discovered that when my head gets all thinky, thinky, thinky, I can help myself by putting my thoughts and feelings down on paper. When I can see what's going on inside me outside of me on paper, I am better able to sort out what is mine to change, to let go of, to ignore and I am then better able to relax and to return myself to feeling grounded and secure within myself.
I hope everyone is feeling better today. I praise all who can figure out and stick to boundaries. Mari - I just realized this 2 months ago.... how sick I'd become, physically, spiritually, and mentally. Funny how you don't know until one day it hits you!!
I ask.............. Is it TOO childish (although he can act like one) for one of my boundaries to be something like: "When you act this way or say things like this to me" I wont. oh I don't know... make or buy cookies (he loves when I back) or something like that?
I am coming up with my boundaries this week, I promised myself and told him last night it was going to happen, so I have to follow thru now. :) I am struggling as I can see others do as well. Like when I was raising my step son, I knew I had to say what I meant and mean what I say, and I did!!! BUT I also learned, I didn't want to punish myself along the way LOL, like NO TV for a week, ummmm, he drove me INSANE that week I ended up punishing myself haaaaa I think we have all fallen into that when dealing with a child. So I get that part. And I get the part that it has to be something I really mean and can follow thru with and that is the hard part. I am seriously all this week been starring at a piece of paper
Last nights boundary was: When you start picking fights with me or try to get a negative reaction from me I will not respond and I will choose to disengage and go to another room. AND IF you continue to try I will leave the house for a while. He didnt say much other than, well, where would you go if you left (concerned). Maybe this isnt a boundary at all, but I think if anything I am not engaging in that behavior and he doesnt really want me leaving the house every time he play that game. Now I am waiting for him to test this!!! Walmart here I come LOL
I am going to buy a couple books on here today as well. One suggestions was Getting them sober... any others for a rookie?
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