Detaching with love - Al-Anon Family Group

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Detaching with love

Heronbeach · Member

Are you sell intimate when you detach from your Alcoholic? I'm assuming this isn't a good idea, but its hard because where very strong and passionate in our intimacy.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Im not sure about this one, I was so affected that I could not be intimate, especially while he was drunk. In fact that was the first thing to go in my relationship. He wanted sex only when drunk and I refused to be used by a drunken, fumbling idiot. Sorry cant really help with this one.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I too could not connect with a drunk partner. Detaching semed to enable me to treat him with courtesy and respect but with no real intimacy. I was too Angry, resentful and filled with rage .

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

el-cee wrote:
Im not sure about this one, I was so affected that I could not be intimate, especially while he was drunk. In fact that was the first thing to go in my relationship. He wanted sex only when drunk and I refused to be used by a drunken, fumbling idiot. Sorry cant really help with this one.

omg, El-cee, the ONLY time AH #1 "loved me" was when he was randy.....he was abusive, verbally and almost physically, he put me down, ignored me, but when he felt passionate, all of a sudden I was "loved" at first I accepted his crumbs b/c I was so desperate for him to love me, but then?? after a while, he repulsed me.....I didn't want anything to do w/him....i remember the first time i turned him down...I was in my room, yes, we had separate rooms b/c his snoring while he slept off his drunk was so loud I could not sleep, so i moved to guest bedroom.....he came in one night after being a jerk to me, insulting, demeaning, etc., and he comes in my room, i can smell the liquor and he sits next to me in bed and wants to get "affectionate" I pushed him away and said "its over".....I just didn't want him ever again.....we never had intimacy from that point....shortly after, i moved out.......i, too was soo beaten down by him, that i wanted NO part of him.....not even that short bit of affection i got when in bed.......did'nt want any of it or him........thats my story......

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
I too could not connect with a drunk partner. Detaching semed to enable me to treat him with courtesy and respect but with no real intimacy. I was too Angry, resentful and filled with rage .

ya know?? it wasn't until i moved out i saw how angry and full of rage i felt....but in a way i give thanks for that b/c he was the catalyst for me to finally feel feeligs.....the rage of my childhood, this failed marriage set off the horrendous anger which would, years later lead me to recovery......b4 recovery, I remember that anger and rage, prompted me to share with gentle AH #2.....he kept gently asking me why I was so full of rage and anger, he knew it coldn't be all my AH#1, and that is when I told him about my childhood abuse.....so that first marriage, terrible as it was, was kind of a blessing in a way that its failure, brought up all the rage...anger...bitterness.....to the point where I could finally SHOW and FEEL some feelings......my AH#2 listening to me and validating me helped me discharge a lot of that rage, but of course I would need recovery to help me manage it to where I am "ok" with me now.....but yea, i so remember the resentment and rage and outrage....its like AH#1 coupled w/ my childhood brought it all out in the open (the child abuse) for the first time.....sharing w/AH#2 was freeing for me............SOMEBODY believed me and still loved me...................wow, this is bringing up some powerful memories.....

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you Neshema for your honest share .

As I read your ESH I was reminded that" HP certainly works in mysterious ways his wonders to perform"

Glad HP lead you here smile

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

I had intimacy and love and sex and commitment and more all wrapped up in that "hair ball" of a relationship(s) until I got into Al-Anon and was able to unravel the ball hair by hair, string by string and relearn what was real and what was not. I came to understand that at time intimacy included sex and not always. I learned to be intimate without touching and while practicing my commitment without being in the same room as my partner. Love became acceptance without conditions and sex became a behavior of very tender respect. That was the physical intimacy and the spiritual at the same time. There was soooo much to learn and only one part was thru it all I had to be totally present offering and giving my wife what I was giving myself at the same time. If I don't love me I can' t love anyone else. (((hugs))) smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
Thank you Neshema for your honest share .
As I read your ESH I was reminded that" HP certainly works in mysterious ways his wonders to perform"
Glad HP lead you here

Thank you ((((Betty)))) yea, I agree....HP /Creator does work in mysterious ways, lol.....when i view it that way, my hostility towards AH#1 kinda went away...like if i ran into him (he lives in CA so not likely) but if i did, I could look at him and say "hey" and walk away w/out wanting to throttle him....just saying "hey" to someone i once knew....in another lifetime.......

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Jerry F wrote:

I had intimacy and love and sex and commitment and more all wrapped up in that "hair ball" of a relationship(s) until I got into Al-Anon and was able to unravel the ball hair by hair, string by string and relearn what was real and what was not. I came to understand that at time intimacy included sex and not always. I learned to be intimate without touching and while practicing my commitment without being in the same room as my partner. Love became acceptance without conditions and sex became a behavior of very tender respect. That was the physical intimacy and the spiritual at the same time. There was soooo much to learn and only one part was thru it all I had to be totally present offering and giving my wife what I was giving myself at the same time. If I don't love me I can' t love anyone else. (((hugs)))

Jerry, all I can say is "WOW" to this beautiful post....

and wanna know something??? MY first taste of intimacy, the real and healthy kind was with my online elderly male sponsor with whom i talked on the phone A LOT and we got soo close..He was my first experience with a sponsor and even tho i had another, female, he was my "go to guy" when things got really dicey.......i told him everything, so he shared w/me.....we became like brother and sister....the love i feel for him is so great and full of gratitude for his sweet existence.....His health has been failing and I can't get through to him on the phone anymore...He is in OH and I am in TX and I cannot afford to look him up to check up on him...Thank goodness he has family there to look in on him......I think of him often and always with total L O V E there was no physical about it.....it was all mental and spiritual...we traded pics, traded our fears and our pains..I can't think of MUCH that i did not tell him....my female sponsor and friend of 30 years probably knows the most about me as I do her...that is another beautiful intimate relationship...........as to my OH buddy, i will love him till i die........

I had not a clue what intimacy was....IN TO ME SEE.......until this miracle program and "R", my sponsor.........yes, it is beautiful when I can find another human with whom i can share my self and be loved no matter what OR...see what I had all along, but was too sick to appreciate it/them.....I have this w/my 3 adopted sisters, my girlhood school mate who is in recovery AND my beloved sponsor with whom I have had the pleasure of being "sisters in our hearts" for 30 years now.......yea, program helped me hold up MY end of the intimacy equation now, where they had to "tote" most of the load, all these years.........they were all so patient w/me....they saw the beauty within me that i was clueless about.....now they get to see me start to bloom...i am happy they are getting to see me grow......I owe so much to them....and I owe my life to this program............

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.