The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am in a relatively new relationship with an alcoholic and I find myself at a loss for what to do.
He's admitted to having a problem, was sober for two years and in the last six months has started drinking again. He regularly attends meetings throughout the week, seems positive about everything and in a good place. Then Friday hits and he's drinking again. It just seems to be the same cycle over and over.
I love the guy and want to support him, but I don't even know what that means, or how to support him.
Every friend I talk to tells me to just run for the hills, but I can't.
Aloha Gal and welcome to the board. actually if you think about the statement "I can't...." and change can't to "I won't" you might come up with solutions. See actually you can do anything you need to do to gain and maintain your serenity. The won't is about addiction; ours. We get as addicted to them as they get to their alcohol and in the addiction we get invested. We put a lot into them. I put all of me into my alcoholic/addict spouse including wishes and dreams for the future and so while she wasn't investing anything or much into our relationship and marriage I was over invested and arrived at "can't". When I realized that there was no law that said I had to live that way ever my won't went to will (change) and I left. I'm not saying to leave...you have to choose your own consequences. If you choose to remain then the outcome will be the same as it is now and worse because alcoholism is a progressive and fatal disease and if he does nothing to arrest it with total abstinence and working a program of recovery and you keep doing the same thing yourself you will get the same as you are getting now. Logics.
I was born and raised in the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction and am a double winner (both programs) myself. When I was willing to do anything to remove myself from our life threatening disease my sponsor told me I would have to get away from all things alcohol and I did and that mean't not only my then spouse (2nd) and also my family of orgin. I stay very close to Al-Anon and AA daily. I am entirely powerless over this disease and have never met anyone who wasn't.
Keep coming back...listen, learn, practice.
Look up the hotline number for Al-Anon in your area in the white pages of your local telephone book and get to a meeting as quickly as you can...We don't do very well on our own against this. (((((hugs)))))
Then Friday hits and he's drinking again. It just seems to be the same cycle over and over.
I love the guy and want to support him, but I don't even know what that means, or how to support him.
Every friend I talk to tells me to just run for the hills, but I can't.
Ok...U have said u are not going to run for the hills which is what I would do, but that is me.....so ok....u r staying w/him.......you best learn right away the word and the action DETACHMENT....because u will be doing a lot of that...you will need detachment and a LOT of it....
best get a sponsor, get into meets, work the steps, work the slogans, listen....learn......and practice what you learn so it becomes habit........the best thing you can do is leave him be to his own consequences...if he lands in jail??? let him get his own way out......."supporting" him does not mean getting so enmeshed w/him u can't find you....support is cheering him on in his program, even tho he still is drinking that shows me he is not seriously wanting to abstain from his addiction, he goes but he still drinks.....kinda cancels out a very good effort......
if he does not arrest his drinking and REALLY work the program and work it sober SEVEN days a week, you can look forward to drinking getting worse....then job losses, law troubles.....then health problems and even death if he never stops.......
this relationship is new...so you havn't invested a lot into it, so why bet on a horse that most likely unless he majorally changes, even be a factor in the race........if he does not QUIT 100% and work a serious program he isn't going to offer you much but hearache.......
but if you want to stay???? best to learn the alanon program and start with detachment....and learning to having to go it alone, LOTS of times....
I don't mean to sound negative, but drinkers usually only bring heartache......its up to you...its your life......you only have once chance at life.....I would think working my program and giving me the best shot at this "one life" would be the smart thing to do......
meetings are on line if you cannot find face to face.....i would get a sponsor right away, and also as many books on the steps, literature, slogans that you can carry b/c you got a really tough road ahead.....if he does not stop...... you need to "marry up" with the program so at least you can learn to cope with this w/out losing yourself and your sanity.......
read the posts of others who choose to stay.......maybe you can get some perspective on what U have signed up for......
this is all i know how to share b/c I have recovered enough after 11 years, i have absolutely no intentions or interest to ever get involved w/an active drinker or any substance abuser....and I watch.....i see anyone with a "problem" with substances, I am GONE....lost too much of my life being w/them before recovery
PEACE
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome CG, you've come to the right place. You're with friends here;) Learn all you can absorb, and think long and hard about what's best for You and Your Needs. Many times I've wished I'd done that 2 years ago, when my relationship with ABF was still new. However, if I had ended the relationship then, I might have never found Miracles In Progress :) and probably would've continued my downward spiral. Here, I feel safe and like there's hope for recovery for myself, even if ABF never comes around to sobriety. I wish you the best in your journey.
Welcome to mip. If you find anything here helpful, maybe you'll keep joining us here for recovery. There are also online Alanon meetings at this site which I've found to be a lifesaver at times when I can't get out to face to face Alanon meetings. I found in person meetings a little scary at first but just like meetings online, I could just show up not share if I wasn't ready or if I just needed the shares of others. The biggest benefit this program for me has been finding an Alanon sponsor to meet with face to face and work the steps of this program so I could grow as a person.
I came to my first meeting looking for answers to get and keep my exah sober and learned the best way to be supportive of him was by focusing on my own life and letting him to do the same. Alanon has taught me that I lose my self focus when I "should" on anyone by offering advice or spend my time rescuing or trying to fix other people. That doesn't mean that I'm not still guilty of it at times but I can't imagine living without this program today. It's been such a gift to meet and learn from other people who I can share with honestly about alcoholism and to have a more enriching and spiritual life from working this program. I was told early on that there's no better support for an alcoholic than choosing to recover myself. We have slogans in this program and one of them is Let it Begin with Me. This slogan is really enduring because I can think of ways every day to realign my attitudes, actions and my spiritual condition to feel more balanced in daily life. The steps and tools of Alanon are helping me to do that. I don't have to treat it like school work. I don't get a final grade. I don't pass or fail. The learning never ends. If I choose to remain teachable by my higher power, the life's gifts are wonderful. Sometimes the recovery journey has felt rocky but keeping my higher power close, I've always found my way back home.
I know what it's like to love someone who struggled and didn't stay sober and I know what it's like to love someone who is now been sober another 24 hours. There's nothing I've done to cause either. I pray for my exah that he's finding his way with the help of a loving hp and I pray for my recovering abf that his journey continues to be a sober and emotionally healthy one that's led by his hp. Mostly though because of this program I pray for me first! I'm a work in progress and need to invite my higher power to guide me through every day in order to keep sanity and serenity. Those two things are very important to me. When I feel them slipping away, I'm less loving to myself and less loving to those around me.
Thanks for sharing here. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Welcome, You don't have a lot of time invested in this man. Get to meetings, and move on, chances are great that these's misery and heartache ahead if you don't. You cannot help him.
I'm nervous about some of the "advice" you are getting on here, insinuating that the logical choice is for you to leave.
In the immortal words of Toby Rice Drews - who IS an expert on the subject - "nobody has the right to tell you to leave your spouse, not even your counsellor"
We are here for support and encouragement - no matter what your choices. Some stay, some leave - but all are welcome here. Glad you found us, and hope you keep coming back
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Why cant you? If I knew then what I know now I would run. Sometimes we are attracted to alcoholics because we find it difficult to deal with the idea of loss, I mean alcoholics are usually emotionally unavailable and that can be attractive because you cant loose what you dont really have if you see what I mean. I know for me that was a huge reason why I chose him in the first place. I would look at what made him attractive to you if you can because this self knowledge may lead you to dealing with a part of yourself that you never really new existed. Not sure it can work this way or whether the pain and suffering is inevitable before you can see yourself properly. Good luck.
Hi Tom, I think its also important for people to show themselves the hurt and all, this inevitably leads to that persons truth being shared in their post. I dont think censoring that truth would really help anyone.
I DO hope my post didn't make you thnk I thought you were a "moron" for staying with this guy.....I was just flashing back to the horrendous mistakes I made when my friends told me "DON"T marry *A* he will hurt you" and I thought "omg...this poor girl does not know what this is like....." I didn't until I got into it
I do NOT have the right to tell you to leave or stay and PLEASE do not think that I was belittling you by telling my feelings.....
I was just giving my ESH based on real experience
I have NO right to tell you to leave....NOBODY has that right....We are here to tell our stories, our experiences, or strengths, etc., but the FINAL decision is yours of course....
I SURE hope I did not offend you......I only told you what I experienced.......what I learned being with Active alcoholics...never got w/druggies, but I married TWO A's and I so wish I could go back...and do my life over again from the bad relationships on up to my recovery......i cannot so i told my daughters, I tell my story here ....that was my ONLY intent....
I am glad u showed up here and asked.....that means u care enough about you to ask......maybe u r seeing the red flags???? and need conformation?? I don't know, but trust me, you are NOT alone when it comes to getting with substance abusers.....we all did it...some of us left......some of us stayed..........bottom line that is your choice
I am glad u came here and ASKED.......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I must agree with Tom even knowing that this Board is not run strictly on Alanon Traditions. The only reason I stayed in alanon and kept coming back was because NO One Told ME To Leave or that I was crazy and that he was a monster. My family had been doing that for a long time. I came looking how to fix him so I could be happy , I was sad, frightened and could not cope with the idea of a life without him. Alanon told me welcome, take what you like and leave the rest We share our ESH and let you make your own decisions when you feel the time is right and that we will LOVE YOU until you learn to love yourself. That really worked for me
I believe that just as at a meeting, If a member reaches out to this board we should extend the same respect and courtesy,. Sharing our own painful experiences and what worked for us allows the member the right to make up their own mind when they are ready and provides a warm place for them as they travel this difficult road.
Hi Tom, I think its also important for people to show themselves the hurt and all, this inevitably leads to that persons truth being shared in their post. I dont think censoring that truth would really help anyone.
That was my only intention.....to show the pain I went through and HOPE someone else can benefit from my bad choices......if sharing my mistakes can prevent another from entering into that then I have done a good thing..however in alanon, noone has the right to tell someone they gotta leave or stay.......I tried, I think, to leave that to our dear recovery friend, Cowtowngirl.......I know my post was blunt...to the point....my only intent was to share my experiences and maybe help another not go through the years of misery that I did...that said...I am not a therapist, I am not an expert, I am only a survivor and a recovering coda, acoa, alanoner who wants to see us all be able to share openly and to love and support each other no matter how new or old they are in their recovery.......
I may lose a client over a stupid misunderstanding so I am under a lot of stress since Friday.....HOPE I did not offend anyone....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Welcome , for me the best way to support our partners is to work a program directed to those of us who love them . AL-ANON in our meetings you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how to not let it run your life . It is recommended that you stay in meetings for 6 months before making any life altering decisions at which time you will have a clearer perspective on what your dealing with . The decision to stay or go is yours alone . Please find f2f meetings for yourself . Louise
Welcome to MIP. Most of us if not all of us have been through or are going through what you describe. The best support for him is in AA where others with this disease will help him in better ways than we who love them can do. The best support for those of us who love or are friends of people with this disease is in Al-Anon. One thing I learned after being in the program for many years was that my own family had been affected by alcoholism but it was hidden for generations. As an untreated codependent, it was pretty predictable that I would be drawn to someone with the disease of alcoholism although I didn't know that for a very long time. Whether you stay in the relationship or leave it, Al-Anon is a very good program for people wanting to learn more about the disease of alcoholism, how it affects us and people with the disease, and how to restore or save our sanity in spite of this crazy-making disease that infects anyone who lives, works or neighbors close to it. I do hope you find a meeting in your area and keep coming back here, too. The program works for those of us who hit bottom with this disease and for those of us who are becoming newly acquainted with the disease's progressive nature.
My apologies for not logging on here in a bit, its been a bad week.
I appreciate everyone's advice and guidance. I am a logical person and I can see both sides of the spectrum so I am certainly not offended.
When ABF and I first met I obviously had no idea what he was a recovering alcoholic. He had been sober and I was none the wiser. It was a trip with a friend that helped him fall off the wagon, and by the time I realized what was going on, I was already head over heels for the guy. Its all been quite bizarre, as someone who has never been affected by this before, I was blind sided. He didn't fit my "stereotype", The man is a human Ken doll - he seemed perfect, charming, very successful and it threw me for a loop. I've quickly learned there is no stereotype.
While we haven't been together all that long - a few months, I am crazy about the guy, when he is sober, it is great. He seems hopeful, resilient and on the right path. He goes to meetings and will be sober for a few weeks at a time. He has a sponsor, although the sponsor lives in a different city (where he used to live)., seems to have a good network in the AA program. But then a switch goes off and he goes MIA and drinks for 3 days straight. I have a hard time understanding it and how it can happen like that.
I can admit that the first bit, I enabled him alot, rather then have him drunk and wandering the streets, I would stay with him, to ensure he stayed home and stayed safe. O brought him food and once beer, because to me it was better then the alternative of him driving around etc. I know that wasn't the best. But then he started to do better and that wasn't so much of a concern.
However, in the last few weeks, he's gotten worse, the drinking has started mid week, where before it was Friday - Sunday. And I feel like I've now become a person that he feels he has to report to, and as such he has started to shut me out, his mood swings are intense and he has started lying, and trying to cover it up.
Tonight though, he called me, albeit while drunk, and told me his sponsor told him we should no longer be dating. He said that me being there for him and trying to support him was enabling him. He asked me to wait 3 months for him to get sober. I'm just having such a hard time accepting this, he has no family or other support here in the city and I want to be there for him, and I love him beyond belief. I just worry about him, and while maybe walking away is what is best for everyone, it is difficult for me to sit here and not know if he is ok.
I'm just having a hard time understanding it all. I'm a compassionate person by nature and I just want to be there.
