The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I do understand and have experienced a similar situation. Remember that this is a disease over which we are powerless. I guess you will need to decide what is best for you and draw a boundary.
Meeetings slogans, living one day at a time helps to keep the focus on yourself. What is the arrangement for his living. I thought that he was to go to a sober house after the ranch. What are his plans?
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 6th of October 2013 08:57:27 PM
Hi there all.. I left on Saturday to go be with him for the weekend. Well on my way my phone rings from the area code he was at. I found it weird that he was calling me before the time he is allowed, but I answered and he said mom I'm ready to go home. I worked through my 5th step and I need to start living my life as I should and god intends. I was in shock he left the ranch. I said well I'm about 2 hours away. I'll see you soon. Well I got there sick to my stomach because all I can think about is the past. We are home now he went to a meeting and called his Sponser to meet tomorrow, but I feel scared!! How can anybody please advise me on how I should be towards him.
You know I have those same feelings. But I'm working right now on myself. I don't need to think I need to act a certain way or be scared. My son will not come home with me so I'm in a little better place than you are. Just let him do what he needs to do and you take care of what you need to do. Live your life like you would any other day and don't be scared. If you have boundaries in place everything will take care of itself. Your son should know what they are and if he doesn't abide by them than he will pay the consequences. Keep it simple. Don't overprotect him and leave him to take care of himself.....he's an adult and doesn't need his mom worrying about him. He's in recovery so let him go and let God take over.
I was also thinking about my son and if he thinks I'm all worried all the time...that makes him worry about me and that he doesn't need ....he's got enough on his plate as it is. I will not give him an extra burden...no I won't.
Detach with kindness, say your prayers and love your son for him.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Well our house that my husband and I were renting is going to become available and my husband and I talked and we decided that if my son moves in he is going to take full force responsibility of everything. We talked to him two weeks ago and he said yes he wants to live on his own. I told him I will treat him just like every other renter. I'm not so sure if this is the right thing but I'm taking the chance. I'm so confused. Why I ask myself did he become this.. I know I have no control. I told him before coming home: you have a chance at life and how you live it I can not be involved. He said he knows that he has done damage and he sees it all over my face. I'm afraid to how or say much because I do not want to be his trigger.. Our renters should be out tomorrow.
It sounds as if you have set up a living arrangement that he agrees to abide by. Now it is important to really take care of yourself. and use your tools. Try to increase your meetings, remember that you did not cause the disease, cannot control it or cure it. Your son is responsible for his recovery and you are responsible for your own.
I will hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers
Thank you Hotrod.. As I told him.. I will guide because he left everything thing to me when he left to rehab such as his car credit cards bank cards and phone. That I will have to hand over because truly it is his. But I told him how you choose to move forward with your life and who you allow in it, I can not allow you to let your mistakes effect me and if you lose all you worked for and I took care of for you then that's on you. I told him I will right all rules to the home and if he choses not to move in then there is the Salvation Army or a half way house. He seems to be ok with it all. He just got home from a meeting left for a jog and has a smile on his face that I have not seen in a long time. Maybe I'm letting the devil take over me right now. But he prayed with me before he left. Maybe he will help me .. Can that happen?? His car has been parked for 7 months and I said I can probably take the day off tomorrow and do what needs to be done. He said mom go to work and let me take care of me.. Not all can or will happen in one day. I'm so not working my recovery!! God help me please ??!!
Cathyianz.. We have to so hard work on our recovery. This him coming home was not suppose to happen until November, but as he said he needs to live his life and regardless I knew I wa going to face the fact of him being home.. Plans were not my home. But rules and boundaries were made an agreed that he would follow all until our rental is ready, but as mothers we worry regardless where ever our children are or chose to be. He even told me mom go to meetings because my focus is in me and yes I know I caused you pain but I chose to get help and I thought you would do the same. I had nothing to say but I cried. I have to just have faith and pray and let god handle it all. Because I can't do it before it now. Many prayers to you and your son.
Your son is right.....now it might be time to listen a little to him. Go to work tomorrow and go to meetings. Your son loves you and doesn't want to see you hurt anymore. He's worked many months and so let him continue to work it.....he's in good hands.
I will say a prayer for him and you tonight.....have faith my friend
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Oh Gaby, I look forward in hearing a success story...soon. Please be strong with your boundaries, and remember actions speak louder than words...talk is easy. I am not sure why you have decided to let him live so close to you, but it sounds like you are listening to your heart. Be vigil with your program and you can do this. In support, OG
__________________
Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
You have set the boundaries and the consequences, he sounds willing to accept them
His recovery is day at a time.
No expectations, no disappointments.
I learned not to step in, not to do for them what they could, and should, do for themselves (if I was tempted.. and I was. I would stop and think..what is my part, and the majority of the time my part was to maintain loving detachment)
Every little (or big) thing he does for himself will build his fragile self esteem.
It's not a bad thing, it's not a good thing...it's how YOU feel about it. Are you comfortable with him renting your rental? You know we can't give advise but we can say to keep your boundaries and that might include a contract.....solid contract like what you would do with any other renter.
Treat him as an responsible adult that happens to be your son. Treat it like a business transaction.... I think he will appreciate it that his mom has faith in him and has let go of the adult child
Let go let God and work your program.....
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I hear your fear, and totally understand. Or think I do. When my son is away from me, I find it easier to live. I have moments of panick or concern...but after prayer or reading it becomes mild. BUT, when he starts to take steps forward and comes around I really PANICK.
Then, it's as if my hopes get tied back up and since I still feel responsible I am afraid I will say or do the wrong thing. My fear increases 100 fold when he's in front of me...trying! I think it's because I fear I will mess it up!!!!!!!!! Also, watching him be sweet and so great scares me because I see him as my sweet little boy again...the one I want to protect. But my memory is pretty good so I recall his choices and see the possibility for horrific danger....and my blood runs cold from fear!
That's how it is for me.
Try to breath. Keep handing your son over to God. Make more meetings. Let go (really hard one) of expectations.
Laugh every chance you get!!!!! Enjoy these moments for what they are without placing the weights of future happenings. You have thus moment, enjoy it!
__________________
More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
