The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
mm I so understand . I had a very similar incident many years ago. My hubby was sober again for a few weeks , my family had a 15 th wedding anniversary party for us and he attended & did not drink . He was distant, threw flowers at me (so I thought) and did not seem to celebrate. All the pain, anger and sadness from the past,that I had accumulated, simply boiled up and I exploded. It all came out and it was not pretty. He naturally drank, I went to our therapist and another round of insanity began. That was before alanon. Shortly after that I found alanon and was willing to do anything to heal. I began to slowly work the steps, use the tools and free myself from the damage of the past. It worked My hubby and I reunited and remained in the marriage until he passed from cancer 7 years later
Alanon works. Keep coming back
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 6th of October 2013 09:12:15 AM
I haven't posted in a while. The A has been so nice lately, things have been going well, he has been really the SO I would want to have. But I hurt so much from so much past stuff, and I did something stupid and lashed out so, so bad at him. I just hurt so much in every way. I don't think we will ever speak again. Maybe this is the best thing, not sure. But I am so ashamed of me, the inside of me, the hurt person who is now hurting more and so alone. Ugh. I can't even believe who I am on the inside right now.
I know exactly what you are feeling. I've been there. I have so much resentment built up inside me for the years I have been neglected, he dares not try to do something half ways nice. I feel if he does the slightest thing nice, he's just putting icing on a pile of crap. One that really tickes me off is a greeting card for "our anniversary" or my birthday. Now I know it sounds awful, but all I can think of is it's a empty jesture, containing somebody elses words. And it pisses me off, I think how dare you. Once I got flowers and a card that I completely ignored. Walked past them dozens of times and would not look at them. Hows that for passive agressive !!! I am not that horrible person. I see what he caused, and I am working with myself to try to stop acting like this. You're not alone in this.
When I have acted this way, I talk about it (as you have done here) until I am no longer self abusing me, take a loving inventory of me, and make my amends. A few years ago, I did the same thing while I was driving and on the speaker phone in my car. I was so angry at my husband for not making a weekend trip with me to our daughter's. I am sure I looked like a nutso wild woman...no phone in sight, screaming in my little grey focus while driving down the highway to Columbus Ohio. Now, I laugh at the image. Thankfully, he stayed calm and let me express my rage without taking it personally or that would have been real ugly. I had the weekend away to use my recovery tools and made my amends when I returned. Stuff happens when we are in our stuff!
Alanon tools suggests that we work a 10 Th Step when we feel as if we have wronged someone. "Continue to take personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admit it". You have done so here, you have done so to HP and now, please forgive yourself and wait for HP to guide your actions and voice.
This a 10th step practice...I have been here and done that also and the longer the amends waits the tougher it gets on both parties. You are hurt and angry and I'll bet he'll take that on also. Fastest done; soonest over....then call a sponsor. Good share. ((((hugs))))
Oh, I think we've all been there to some degree. You got some wonderful ESH here and I hope you will remember that you are human, too, just as he is. We all transgress against each other and the fact that you realized it and felt remorse is a wonderful testament to your own recovery. Be gentle on yourself and meditate on the ESH you received here.
Thank you for posting this, too, because it gives all of us an opportunity to learn from other's wisdom so that we can put a new recovery tool in our toolbox. Hugs to you, I know you are hurting.
I am trying very hard not to obsess over this. I don't know where he is, his family is texting me looking for him, I feel like the biggest biggest jerk in the world for the awful things that were said and if something happened I would just absolutely be beside myself, his car is still parked in front of my house, I am getting scared. God please help. I just want him to be safe. God please keep him safe I just pray that he is safe. Please help me do your will God, I will keep praying for his safe return. I am scared.
There is so much pain in the world from this disease. But there is also so much peace, consolation, and strength that can also be harvested in the world when we truly give our A's to their Higher Power. I could feel the fear, shame, hurt and regret in your 'voice' as you shared. None of us ever truly know what God's will is for us, for the A, and for all who have suffered from this crippling and destructive force called alcholism. We can only do the best we can with what we have to work with. in alanon I was given a tool box that i could fill with the tools necessary to survive. it was up to me as to whether and how i would use those tools. by far the most effective one i had was the ESH of the others in my alanon group who held me up and sometimes carried me on their backs when i had no strength left and was not even sure i wanted to heal. slowly and painstakingly, every minute, every ounce of recovery i was able to grasp, began to build up and cement a treasure room filled with love, hope, and courage that i could take from whenever i needed it. This is what enabled me to accept God's will for my A. i learned to trust my HP because ultimately only s/he knew what was best for my beloved A. When i put aside my will, i gradually came to understand that my HP's will was whatever was happening right here, right now, no matter what I thought was right for me and the A at the time. There is a mountain of love in Alanon that only grows bigger the more we take from it. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Write your amends as soon as possible, reason things out with another in Alanon and you will find the peace you so desperately want.
This a 10th step practice...I have been here and done that also and the longer the amends waits the tougher it gets on both parties. You are hurt and angry and I'll bet he'll take that on also. Fastest done; soonest over....then call a sponsor. Good share. ((((hugs))))
me....you got gr8 ESH...i can't add anything, but after u talk w/sponsor you can figure the best way to sit down and make amends.....ONLY take your side of the street though , just accept your part in the ugly exhcange...stay away from his inventory, just own up to your actions and your amend is commitment to working the program and working on you....maybe you were right in all the stuff u said, but still...I see u owning it on the board here,. with HP , then the amend...and maybe the amend is to just say to him "hey look, I was ugly in stuff I felt, did't mean to be so ugly, and I accept I was abrasive and my amend is to continue to work on me and focus on my and my issue" or something like that
in times of anger, sometimes we are the most truthful, but we do it ugly and its good to say what you mean, mean what u say, but it isn't cool to say it mean......u probably told him the truth, but it was'nt very nice, perhaps......u will know, after u do your inventory step 10 work and talk w/sponsor ....
I have done the same as you....i was honest and right to say what I did, but the delivery was UGLY!!!!! so that part was not cool...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Well A came home thank God he is safe, reeks to high heaven of beer but I was darn glad to see him, stinking or not. Thanks everyone. I have apologized to him for lashing out because it really was awful and ugly.
I too have felt bad for doing the same sort of thing, especially these past couple of months. This was what made me realize that I needed to come back to the boards, so that I could learn how to take care of myself and detach from my A. The yelling, screaming, and then the worrying when A screeched off in the car, were so agonizing.
mm, thank you for your share...
wishing you love and good things:)
I'm glad he's safe and your OK.. I know so well and fear of our A's missing...so scary.
Now you need to detach so this won't happen again. You need to start a program that will help you and take care of YOU..
In my thoughts and prayers tonight..
I must be an awful person, lol...devoid of feelings when things get that bad.....when my first A went MIA and it happend often, I would actually be glad....no i did not want him to get eaten by a bear or crash his car and die, but i loved it when he went missing.....it was peaceful.....no insults...no yelling/screaming obsenities and insults at me......then he would show up home, drunk, tired and go crash on the couch......i just didn't care at all about him.......
my 2nd A never did that.....he accounted for himself.....either he was at the EM club on the base or he would be at his buddies apartment drinking beer.......but he did call me so i would not worry.....all i would tell him was "please...sleep over if you get too plowed....don't want u getting smushed on the freeway" and he was good about that........he never drove when he was plastered......that was a rule for him.......NO getting sloshed and driving.......so i learned how to drive his truck real fast b/c we would go out to eat, then shoot pool and i would have a couple of beers, he would get a big buzz and I would drive the "blue beast" as we called his big chevy pickup and i would drive us home........so sad he did not want recovery.......i do miss the fun we had, but i was not gonna watch him die from the drink.....
that marriage caused me to come here.....I wanted to be healthy.........i thank him for that......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
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