The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I miss my boyfriend so much. =( I know that he has a lot of problems with alcohol. His sister is just so combative. She was was the one that was a bigger problem than he is. :( If he left all the crap in Indy, maybe he'd have a better chance. His other sister left the state to get away from their crazy family. She lives in Michigan.
I miss my boyfriend so much. =( I know that he has a lot of problems with alcohol. His sister is just so combative. She was was the one that was a bigger problem than he is. :( If he left all the crap in Indy, maybe he'd have a better chance. His other sister left the state to get away from their crazy family. She lives in Michigan.
All I do is cry.
Bijela, do you have a sponsor you can talk to???? I think some step work and slogan practice are needed here, and are there any meets near you???? the best thing to do when down, SURE...Feel the feelings, but don't let them stay and plant a garden......we gotta work more on program when we are down........
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
After we're away for a bit, I notice that the bad parts seem to recede and we get nostalgic for the good parts -- or for what we wished were the good parts, or what we hoped would be the good parts. I'd slip and second-guess myself. "Maybe it wasn't so bad ... I bet if X or Y were just different, we could have made it work ... I just needed to be calmer, then it would have worked ... " All of these things were like an alcoholic saying to himself, "Drinking wasn't that harmful ... I bet I could go back in that bar and enjoy a drink or two without any problem ..."
Finally it got so I wrote down a long list of the many things he did that were chaotic, painful, unhealthy, and agonizing. I'd take them out and look at them to remind me what I was "missing." Because the reality wasn't anything like the fantasy in my mind. I was nostalgic for what I was hoping for, not for the actual pain of what went on. The pain was awful. The unhealthiness was terrible and destructive.
It takes courage and faith to build a new, calmer, healthier, serene life. Hang in there!
Finally it got so I wrote down a long list of the many things he did that were chaotic, painful, unhealthy, and agonizing. I'd take them out and look at them to remind me what I was "missing." Because the reality wasn't anything like the fantasy in my mind. I was nostalgic for what I was hoping for, not for the actual pain of what went on. The pain was awful. The unhealthiness was terrible and destructive.
It takes courage and faith to build a new, calmer, healthier, serene life. Hang in there!
OMG....Mattie, I love the "wrote down a long list of the many things he did that were................"
that would work for any relationship that I can imagine....when I part w/someone I have the tendency to 2nd guess me or think "well it wasn't THAT bad, was it???" or the classic "well if I had been more patient, expected less".......when I knew in my heart the relationship was bad......ohhhh yea........LOVE the list thing.....when u see it in writing, boy there is no denying......funny....my sponsor would ask me ???S along the same things....my verbally saying why I separated, kinda brought it out in the open.....hearing my voice SAY the reasons why I left...and what was i really missing???? she would ask me "ok, what do you MISS????" and that would usually be my confirmation........i should write a list , anyway, keep it to myself and when i begin feeling sorry for a person, I had to separate from, get out the list.........fantastic point.....thanks.
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Mattie makes an excellent point; it's only human nature to start missing all the best parts of someone, or to dwell on what we wished our As were rather than the reality of what we lived with a lot of the time. Jerry F told me a long time ago- 'it's okay to love an alcoholic. God does.'
That being said, the best thing you can do right now is to continue to take care of yourself and your program. We are all here with you...you are not alone.
Yep, we begin to believe our illusions and there are plenty of 'em with or without the alcoholic. Physical distance from crazy doesn't eliminate crazy...we take it wherever we go. Have you begun YOUR recovery program? We will support your recovery and not enable you to stay sick. We get sick when we are involved with alcoholics/addicts. I took that as a judgment when I first began recovery, however, it is not a judgment....it is a fact. I have learned I am so much more than my unhealthy habits, and so are other people. (((hugs)))
Have you begun YOUR recovery program? We will support your recovery and not enable you to stay sick. We get sick when we are involved with alcoholics/addicts. I took that as a judgment when I first began recovery, however, it is not a judgment....it is a fact. I have learned I am so much more than my unhealthy habits, and so are other people. (((hugs)))
totally my sentiments....I guess the reason why my recovery mates stuck by me for so long, raging about my past is b/c I was diligently working on my program, the steps, and meetings, sponsor, I did not want to stay sick...i wanted desperately to get healed, but i had to go through this monumental, mountain of pain, i had to go through it to get through it, and thank heavens i did not give up on me, as I came close to just throwing in the towel, i felt i was too screwed up for any hope, but i kept at it and now i am ready to do step 7 on the BIG stuff now.....the last of it, i would say the hate, resentment, illwill, ALL of it....i say over and over "I AM WILLING--------Please cleanse me of xxxxxxxxxxxx"
and I agree with Paula...when we get involved with the substance abusers and users, we get mired down in all the sickness......that is why we have to detach......its ok to bring up a memory, go through the feelings, but u don't want it planting a garden, you want to move on as reasonable possible to the solution......
i am healthy on a day to day basis.....if i keep the focus on me....turn over that which i have no control over and work on me...focus on me....i am much healthier...cleaning myself of toxic people, pushing them away or to outer circles where I am not being tainted by their sickness.....I am ok when i am vigilant....
you know the old saying put a bad apple near the good ones that the good ones start to go bad....its true.......if two oxen are unevenly yoked they can literally kill each other by pulling on the yoke not in sync......same as people....I am sober...clean....I won't associate with folks who are drinking and using.....negative is powerful...it can pull ya down............i am getting healthy in program....I don't want toxins in my life who are not honest w/themselves or others.......I want folks like myself, who are , yes, human, but livable b/c I work my program.....i make a mistake, I accept it, do the amend and move on.....
think about what u r "missing" i guess when you get an infected tooth removed, your tongue goes over that hole and you "miss" something you had to give up, but would u want it back in your mouth, poisoning your body??? of course not......same thing......
I miss my first X like I would miss an awful case of the flu i had to shake off me.......my 2nd X was sweet to me and supportive....i asked him to move out solely b/c i did not want to see him die...i wanted us both in recovery......he did not............i went.........he did not as far as i know......
wold i take him back?? as active a???? nope......i want and deserve better....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
thanks for writing this bijela. i miss my ex so much too. so much anger and anxiety and worrying and trying to control.. 4 years of shaping my life around living with my qualifier. it was so bad and always crisis and he would get agro or disappear etc... threaten me, but YET, i miss him. I love him.. i dream about him, i obsess about him all day.. i see the little things he gave me.. yesterday i just wanted to talk to him, feel him, see him, have him next to me, but his phone is shut off, and i made myself not drive to where he's living now and not talk to his friend who i saw at the store.. all i can type is bad things about him but i miss him, i won't let anyone else get close to me but him. that sounds terrible i think i really do need help with this one too.. i guess it's a situation where i love all the things he does when he's sober but when he's not, i hate it.
He has to get treatment before we really are together again. :( The sad thing is he does have a good heart. He needs to go to treatment and go to meetings if we are going to make any progress on this relationship. We both need to work on ourselves.
If he was a mean jackass, then it would be easier to just totally walk away. :( He needs to get the depression and addiction stuff under control before we can progress.
I did the same exact things until I found a sponsor and worked the steps and went to a ton of meetings...i missed my AH#2 b/c he was sweet to me....he just would NOT admit he #1 was a drunk #2, FORGET recovery....his words....
I had to give him up b/c i wanted recovery and I am soo glad i did
yea, i missed him obsessed about him sometimes, missed the laughter, but I realized (my sponsor todl me) that I had to , if there was any chance to break the binds that tie me was to FOCUS ON ME......ohhh i did not want to think of me b/c i thought I was too messed up
actually step 4 became my best friend...it taught me who/what i was and why i did the things i did...it was like an awakening about myself
i began to stop obsessing about him and trust me , he was very nice to me, the most difficult thing I did in my life was to cut him loose, but i did not want to see him die....
anyway, focusing on me...meetings...sponsor talks 2x per week....heavy heavy step work....slogans practice.....reading and reading...
it began to work (program) i was off him and onto me and taking care of me...learning boundaries, learning how to be honest and open and not in denial......i learned a BUNCH of healthy things and more healthy stuff awaits me.....
if i can do it as bad as i was from my first marriage and my childhood., if a wreck like me can get saved by this program, anyone can.....i had the willingness and the desire to FIND ME....to LOVE ME.......ME....not in a selfish way, like it is't "me me me......" its "ME TOO"
i learned to put my needs first w/me....i learned to live and let live.....i learnd how to detach from another w/out having to justify, argue, defend, or explain my actions.....i learned i have rights to respect, happiness, healthy affection, honesty, prosperity, ALL good things.....I now know i deserve them and i deserve to be with healthy people.....
Just saying......take what u can use and discard the rest
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
thanks neshema2 i appreciate your experience with this. i've been several weeks obsessing about him, what is he doing who is he with, is he drinking, is he working blah blah. i do miss him but i read the posts on here and it says remember the reasons why i left. i totally forgot the reasons why i left! because i started going to alanon and i learned about detachment and I realized that i have a VOICE in my head that says, I'm not ok with this, the way he's treating me, the way he just tosses me to side to go out partying, ordering me around when he's drunk etc.. i put up with so much it drove me crazy. so it is back to One Day At A Time for me. Just get thru this one day without "him" and maybe I'll have some days where i'm not thinking about him at all. i want a clean and sober life where i can set my own boundaries and i don't have to feel scared, hurt, confused, depressed, angry all the time. my big problem right now besides missing him but i snapped out of that today, is ANXIETY. i can only sleep a few hours a nite, my heart is racing, i get almost PANICKY over little things like driving or waiting for take out food or a sound at nite that wakes me up.. so many nightmares too. I don't know where all the anxiety is coming from. it's inside of me. Nothing outside of me is really causing it. Maybe cuz I'm so used to being in crisis all the time? I don't know what PEACE feels like?
