The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have asked to be sat next to many times. I ask - and leave the results to God. My husband continues to be emotionally unavailable and selfish at times, and I take care of me anyway. Tonight - we had the kids off to Grandma and Grandpa's for a night of camping. Most of the day was spent picking up my sister from the airport with layovers and lost baggage adding 6 hours to the already 5 hour trip. We got back at 5pm and ran to town to get movies. We got home at 6 and popped one in. He chose to sit on the other couch. I decided that this wasn't going to work for me. I would not be able to turn off the old signals that reminded me of the emotional unavailability from unhealthy days. I came in and read literature - am sharing it - and plan to go to a meeting in a bit. It's sad. This would have been our first time home alone together to just enjoy each other in 7 yrs since we had kids. I was really really excited. I don't know if I self sabotaged by walking away, or if I did the right thing for me. I do trust that God will show me. I know that I am missing my husband tonight - but I would have felt missing him in the same room as him, and I just don't want to feel that any more. I laid on the couch and let all the feelings wash through me. I had urges to do stupid things - tantrum type things - and I let them pass through me and turned them over to the universe because they were too much for me. When I'm feeling bad - I dive head first into the program and the fellowship. Thanks for being here and letting me splash : )
I had urges to do stupid things - tantrum type things - and I let them pass through me and turned them over to the universe because they were too much for me. When I'm feeling bad - I dive head first into the program and the fellowship. Thanks for being here and letting me splash : )
Hey Tash, as long as I don't act on my urges, I am thinking I am "ok" and yep....when I feel like crap, I get out the slogans, or surf the boards and read posts., read my library of collected recovery stuff.......
it hurts to be in same room w/someone and "u are not there" been there done that...my first X used to do that....he would sit in front of the TV...say nothing to me, act as if I was not there, so i would (this was b4 recovery) i would walk to neighbor's house or play w/kitty but at first I would fight him, "why don't you talk to me???" i can almost hear my frustrated cries, but as it went on, i no longer cared...it wasn't that i was any healthier, i had just quit caring
now, if i was in same situation, i would entertain myself, and yes...dive into the recovery stuff.....it hurt until i quit caring, then, actually it was nice, not hearing his nasty , insulting mouth.....
wow...your post brought up some real old memories....I don't hate him anymore...he was alkie , enabled big time by his mother..he never grew up.....i dont think of him w/any bad negative feelings anymore...whats the point??? I have moved on, gotten into recovery and for his sake, I hope he did too....wow...that was a lifetime ago....
take care...hope u feel better.
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Tasha, I remember those times with my husband; it was painful and lonely. I would call my sponsor and, after speaking with her, I would leave, go to a movie or do something I enjoyed. She reminded me that "pigeons do what pigeons do". I was expecting him do or be something he was not at the time and I would get disappointed. In spite of missing him, I would sometimes (the longer I was in recovery, the sometimes morphed into usually) enjoy myself. Your actions don't sound like self sabotage, it may have been self sabotage had you stayed home. I know you take good care of you, so you don't need my reminder.
I prayed about it, and I spoke to him about it after the meeting, and we are going to focus on progress not perfection for the rest of the night. Thanks for letting me vent : ) And thank you so much for your words - that helped me.
Seeee Tash...you all did the right/good thing...met in the middle. Lotsa times I don't ask for my wife to come to me and she doesn't do that either...we "invade" each others spaces because it is allowed and its one of the special privileges we give each other and no one else. Right now she and I are both sick...flu...and she's been watching baseball most of the day...I've enjoyed some of it with her and have other interest and inbetween we "invade". Good work. ((((hugs))))
I am glad you and your husband decided to talk this over. For years I thought my husband should be able to read my mind and know what I needed and wanted. He couldn't or wouldn't'. Since entering program I have discarded many of the negative tools that I had developed early in my life. I do not assume that others think as I do or want what I want in a situation.
I have learned that if I want certain things to happen then I must communicate with my partner what my expectations are and from there negotiate a workable solution.. Telling my partner that I am looking forward to a special night and would like to plan a romantic evening with a candle light dinner at home and an intimate evening together would open the door to negotiations. I had to learn to keep an open mind listen to his needs and then compromise.
Seeee Tash...you all did the right/good thing...met in the middle. Lotsa times I don't ask for my wife to come to me and she doesn't do that either...we "invade" each others spaces because it is allowed and its one of the special privileges we give each other and no one else. Right now she and I are both sick...flu...and she's been watching baseball most of the day...I've enjoyed some of it with her and have other interest and inbetween we "invade". Good work. ((((hugs))))
Feel better, Jerry...sorry U and Mrs. are sick.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Good job taking care of yourself by going to a meeting. It's nice that you came home to a new beginning. I hope you continue to be gentle with yourselves and enjoy the evening together. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
This is a sweet example of recovery in action. I am glad you shared the rest of the story. It demonstrated an awareness of your feelings, acceptance and right action. Like you, I have learned to not react (and I apply this to all of my relationships), get into a space of where I can "even" out, then express what is going on within me, my perceptions, and see where it goes without an agenda. This post also presented me with an awareness for me. I am no longer going to use the analogy of pigeons when speaking of my fellow human being. It sounds harsh, impersonal and not coming from a place of compassion. Thank you for the post.
....and Jerry I hope you and your wife are feeling better.
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