The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm wondering if there is anyone else out there living with a sober spouse with bipolar disorder.
My A has been sober for 10 years and we have been together on and off for 5 1/2 years, living together for 1 year. He's a wonderful person and I want him in my life forever but when these episodes hit...and we are in the thick of one right now it's like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hide. Nothing I say or do is right and everything is my fault. I've looked online for support groups for people living with bipolar spouses but given that I have been an Al-Anon member (on and off) for 15 years I keep coming back here. No one understands all the complexities of alcoholics like we do and I think that's a very important component in all of this that a bipolar support group wouldn't fully get. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. What I do know is mental illness and addiction go hand in hand and I'm hoping to connect with and learn for the experience, strength and hope of others living with this as well so that I might be able the weather the storms a little better when they hit.
He is on medication and he does take it properly. He does however now struggle with a food addiction (sugar) and is disgusted with himself over his weight gain. This fuels the depression which then turns into anger. So I guess pretty much like living with an active A or dry drunk although he goes to meetings. Ugh...help.
I live with a bi-polar spouse. HE has pretty much stopped drinking. A couple of times a month when we eat out he may have one large beer but other than that he does not.
I can totally relate to the mood swings. I never could predict from one minute to the next if he would be loving and understanding or go off on me. The part that used to confuse me as much as that was his manic spending sprees. He didn't shop little...most times it was a new car. Since 1970 we have bought over 40 new cars. Most of those years we lived paycheck to paycheck and having a big car payment was tough.
I am glad he takes his medication. That's a plus for you. The anger outburst I tend to use detachment to get thru them and not take them so personally. Last week I googled bipolar and found several books about loving and living with someone with bipolar. I bought one for my Kindle. It was OK. But I think if I had bought one of the ones about $10 I would have gotten more out of it. If you have a Books a Million or other large bookstore you may find a book that will give tips. Most of the books I found were for the bipolar person but I found at lest 6 that were for those of us who love them.
I have posted before...the ways I detach. One is when he calls me a name I tell myself he just called me a chair. I know I am not a chair. I know I don't have to believe something is true jstu because he says it. So I don't take it personally. The other way I detach from his words is to imagine a red A on his forehead. It's for alkie or addict. And It reminds me his disease is doing the talking....not the man I love. The best part about these two methods of detachment is he has no idea I am ding it. If I walk away...he knows it. If I talk back...he would know it.
Another thing that really helps me is attending my f2f alanon meetings. I have been doing that for over 20 years. I go every week. Being around others in recovery helps me a lot.
I often suspect people who claim to be suffering from symptoms of their "bi-polar" condition are in fact suffering the effects of sugar in their diets. I know for a fact that I cannot drink a sugar soda without getting a sugar high and then crashing into not-very-nice-person mode. I limit the sugars/high fast-burning carbohydrates in my diet because I KNOW the effect of them and I don't like it. I watched a woman consume a huge piece of pie while claiming she was hypoglycemic and bi-polar and I asked what medications she was on and she said none; I knew someone who was diagnosed and took handfuls of meds twice a day, so I doubt this woman is bi-polar.
When I read your post, I did a quick internet search linking bi-polar and sugar consumption and found what I figured I'd find. Sugar is wonderful, yes, I like a cookie now and then, but sugar is a mood altering substance as well. Heck, as a school bus driver, ask me how fun it is to drive my load home after any holiday celebrations!
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I don't really have any books to recommend. I can share my experience. This is just my experience so please take what you like if anything and leave the rest.
For myself personally, I wish I'd know more (I wish I had been in Alanon) when I was living with my exah who was a substance abuser and bipolar. If I'd had a program to work, I might have been less fearful and more confident in my ability to retain my self worth and I might have reacted less, been less judgmental and more grateful for what he offered. I could have devised a good self care plan while working through my resentments for the emotional hurts and set some good very boundaries concerning money. I might have been able to do this with a loving sponsor beside me and my hp rather from a pedestal of supposed "wellness" looking outward at my spouse.
In the last years of my marriage, I was acquiring a formal education. (I've read lots of books) I asked my ex if he would buy a reading lamp for me. He came home with five at once from which I could choose for reading books and performing internet searches for school. He was so proud of me for finding the courage to begin college in midlife. I chose a lamp and he never returned the other four, just kept them. We had a very well lit house (I wish I'd had a sense of humor back then)
During my education, my exah began to accuse me of analyzing him. And yes, it was a predictable thing to say to deflect from his substance abuse, but you know what... it was true. Looking back, I had been so hypervigilant about being one step ahead of him at all times, I'd grown less and less capable of seeing him as the man I'd fallen in love with. I was having trouble separating him from illness. I was blind to my own dis-ease that ultimately brought me to this program and I saw myself as the "well" one and him as the one with "potential."
Today, I know thanks to Alanon that depending on life's circumstances; I can exhibit behaviors a lot like my ex. I'm not bipolar. Yes, I can changed gears and stop myself but these awarenesses have helped me to find more compassion for others and myself too. My goal each day is to hold onto my serenity. It can be a tall order on some days but that's just life on life's terms. If I'm working my program it feels less chaotic and more manageable. It's my responsibility to take care of myself and bipolor or not it was my exah's responsibility to take care of himself. I hope today his life is under new management - AA and his own higher power.
I hope your recovery journey brings answers that work for you whether it's through books, program, experiences with your hubby or any combination of things. Thanks for sharing. Hugs! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
It just strikes me ... don't you wish we could all have partners who were half as patient and loyal and "trying hard to make it work" as we are for them? I wonder sometimes why it seems like the difficult people get all the loyal partners and the loyal people get ... what we get.
Thank you everyone for your replies. Likemyheart...as a former school bus driver and a currant city transit driver I totally get what you are saying. I feel there is a sugar connection as well.
Saturday morning we were able to talk about the insanity that we had been experiencing for the past 48 hours. It's like waiting for a fever to break. Once it does he's his own rational, reasonable self again but until then he's a man on the edge. I'm very fortunate we have a guest room in the basement and bathroom...it was my son's room...but is now my safe room when he is in this altered state. I was able to be completely honest with him and tell him some things I had been holding back including that I will now be keeping emergency supplies...toiletries, ect in that room for these episodes when they happen.
Tiredtonight...Thank you. You helped remind me that it's not "sane me" against "crazy him".
Afglin...That is sooo my first AH who was also bipolar and a compulsive gambler. Wow...who's really the sick one? Looks like I have quite the pattern going.
And Mattie...No kidding. I often think the same thing but I know anyone but an alcoholic would be boring. For all the stress and frustration it causes I know deep down it's the A's intensity and bombing personality is what attracts me like it or not. Thank God for Al-Anon to help guide me through it all.
It's not bipolar disorder, my dear...it's plain old alcoholism.
doctors don't understand the emotional nature of the A unless they are recovered As themselves.
medicine will not fix it and the food is about stuffing trauma.
a good big book study sponsor in AA can help him, not much else will.
you can spend years and thousands of dollars and frustrated decades going down the medicine/doctor/"therapy" route but it is extremely doubtful it will work and it can deplete you both in every way.
he knows in his heart where his solution is, its tucked way down there somewhere And only he can get the willingness to do it.
doctors diagnose A's with "bipolar disorder" all the time and then tell them how to "manage" it. It's frankly scary they just don't have a solution for the A.
Read The Doctors Opinion in AAs Big Book.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Monday 7th of October 2013 07:42:23 AM
At any given time my bipolar/alcoholic/narcissist BF is abusing alcohol, sugar, RX meds or shopping. He rotates them depending upon the situation. I think he has even had unnecessary surgery to get pain meds. Not drinking and SOBER are 2 different things.
I believe that addicts have an emptiness in their heart/soul that they try to fill with anything they can to feel whole or normal. Unless they work a program to get to the root of the problem that caused the 'hole', they will find an alternate addiction to ease their pain.
I found that when I work on my 'stuff', his problems are not as important in the big scheme of things.
(I wish I'd had a sense of humor back then)