The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I always feel like every problem in relationships are my fault. I feel terribly guilty for moving out of my boyfriend's house. He lives there with his sister and they are both drinkers. His sister is a mean drunk and has attacked me a few times. When I packed up my stuff and left, he was sobbing. I felt so horrible like I ruined everything.
I always feel guilty about stating my needs. I always feel guilty for asking for what I want. I always feel like I need to do things for others and not give a crap about myself.
My father and brother are also alcoholics. =( My father is Jekyel and Hyde. You never know what you will get. My brother is bipolar and does stupid stuff and is a bully.
I live with my mom and dad. :( She's put up with crap all the time. I thought I escaped, but wound up in the same situation.
I always feel like every problem with anything is my fault.
What you have just described is the feelings and the tools we developed to cope with living with the disease of alcoholism. Feeling responsible for everyone else makes us feel as if we are in control and can" fix it all", if we just make ourselves invisible and fix everyone else's problem . NaTURALY we cannot fix anyone's problem because they are not ours to fix and then we become frightened and guilty and filled with shame because we have failed to fix others We then try harder to fix it and become more invisible.
The only way to counter this is to seek recovery for ourselves. Alanon is that recovery program. Here I learned to" Keep the focus on myself "because I was powerless over others. I did not cause alcoholism, could not control it of cure it.
Using the alanon program and principles saved my sanity and life. I learned how to take care of myself. I also learned to treat others with courtesy and respect and allow them the freedom to live their lives.
I used to believe everything was my fault. I think it was because the alkies in my life(both parents and my spouse) all would tell me everything was my fault. I heard it enough I started to believe it. Then even if they didn't say it was my fault I would believe it was.
Working a program and attending my f2f meetings really helped me turn that around.
I used to feel a lot of what my sponsor called FALSE GuILT!!
I didnt cause it can nit cure it or control it , IT is not my fault!!
When I first started looking after me, taking responsibility for me, focusing on myself, lesrning to say No that is when the disease attacked me its tool GUILT!!
Mt amunition was Al anon I rang my sponsor, went to meetings, read, prayed and tried everything to detach.
IT IS NOT MY FAULT!!
today i do not blame myself
keep coming back it works if you wotk it and you are worth it
Yeah I used to believe my son's drinking was my fault because I wasn't there when he needed me the most. I thought arguing with my SO was my fault because I should not have said anything...just be the good SO....he was to important to me so I took the blame.
Now......BULL. I don't care what you think of me. I am who I am and for anyone to take that away and make me the bad guy is just full of it. I can kindly tell them that we can just walk away and if there is a difference so be it. Deal with it or leave....but no blame anymore....period.
I'm working very hard to learn and deal with my defects and faults.....know when I'm wrong.....apologize and move on. No more quilt...period.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
That nasty shame is a killer! My favorite phrase to help me shut down the false guilt is:
I did not CAUSE it
I cannot cure it
I cannot control it!
Even though I feel terrible that I put work before my son and did not see the addiction for years....I WISH I could go back and change things....but I cannot.
I have chosen to forgive myself. I don't want my today's self to judge my past self, it's just not fair. I have more wisdom today...I did not have it then. So, I forgive me!
Then I forgive my son (s) for their choices. I am set free!
The ONLY person I have control over is me. I cannot make another person change, but if need be-to take better care of me- I can change my phone number or my address!
I am now acknowledging when I do something good for myself. I am not, nor want to be selfish. Self love is different. I kept trying to love people from a dry well. How can I love someone if I can't even love myself?
When I make a choice today and it upsets or hurts someone I ask myself: is this something I need for me? Am I doing this to hurt (control) the other person? If it's what I need for me, I let go of the other persons response! They can feel it, that's their choice! But I don't have to feel guilty for it! If I was attempting to control.....I stop it. It's all about choices!
Glad you are finding live meetings too. Hang in there!
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
"B"...untill you get more program time under yourself and more MIP love and awareness use the tools which come from those who have been there before you and who have learned. For me just one of the lessons from my sponsor was that the only answer to the question WHY? if I wasn't ready to accept...was another WHY question and he was right. One of the solutions is "You don't have to TAKE fault". If it is handed to you, say "No" or let it drop to the ground or say "That's not mine". There is no justification for feeling guilty when you're not responsible and someone else is. So you can stop the self blame anytime you want. We give you permission. Soooo there!!!.
Self blame is only one of the symptoms of enabling and co-dependency. I even took on the responsibility for my alcoholic/addict being responsible for herself. That was insane; not any longer. ((((hugs))))
I always feel guilty about stating my needs. I always feel guilty for asking for what I want. I always feel like I need to do things for others and not give a crap about myself.
My father and brother are also alcoholics. =( My father is Jekyel and Hyde. You never know what you will get. My brother is bipolar and does stupid stuff and is a bully.
I always feel like every problem with anything is my fault.
Dear bijela, sounds like u learned to "people please" and forsake yourself for others a Loong time ago, like when u were a child...living w/drunk(s) as a child sets us up for codependency.....we must, we must fix and please and appease others to keep that illusion that we have some control over our lives, by trying to control others by people pleasing, appeasing, covering up for them, walking on egg shells, "oh lets don't upset so and so" and when do our needs get met??? they did not.....so we are trained codas.......u grew up w/it...i grew up w/it....it took 11 years in alanon, and acoa and coda for me to realize that NO WAY am i to blame for others actions .....NO WAY can i "save" someone or "fix" someone....that is not my business or my area....I did not create them so I cannot fix them...only creator can do that....IF they reach out to be healed..........meantime??? I work on me, my program, meetings, sponsor work, the steps, slogan practice, reading lilterature and other good self help books for codas......and I learned that all i can do is take care of me....answer for my actions....take responsibility for MY doings......i am never responsible for anothers actions if they are adult enough to make choices for themselves........
i had to "unlearn" all that stuff i was taught as a child......and working the steps, finding me, becoming acquainted w/me for the first time, via the steps has freed me .....
I do hope u work this program as it suggests and find the peace and freedom u deserve......u grew up w/an alcoholic, so that is your "familiar" or "comfort" zone....I did too and married it TWICE.... I am willing to bet when you find yourself through this program, you will discover that that kind of life no longer works for you....there are healthy guys out there who are not messing up their bodies and their lives with substance abuse........a boyfriend not in recovery, abstaining from alcohol and not working any program has a very very bleak future unless he gets help and stays sober-------for the rest of his life........that is fact
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
