The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I tend to cave under pressure and do that "go along to get along" thing with usually disasterous results. How do you fix that? How do you get strong, good boundaries where you can say what you want to say without being scared? I know that I did that with my boyfriend. He is actually pissed at me for this and feels insulted when I can't just come out and say stuff.
I had a very abusive boyfriend before him who almost beat me to death one night five years ago, so I've been afraid to speak my mind ever since. I know that my bf would never beat me or anything like that and I feel very guilty that I wasn't able to come out and say things to him.
The alcohol and marijuana use makes me scared because sometimes he would get defensive and then I would go into shut down mode.
How do you become confident and say what's on your mind and not cower.
The song "Crucify" by Tori Amos describes me perfectly:
Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get affraid what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my COURAGE would choose to sell out now.
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what GOD needs
One more victim
Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my HEART is sick of being in chains
Got a kick for a dog beggin' for LOVE
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the brid
I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
I am so sorry that you have experienced such a difficult time in your life. Living with the disease of alcoholism we develop negative, destructive tools to help us inter act with the irrational world that we live in. These tools appeared to work in the destructive world of alcoholism but in truth all they did was help us become invisible, and fearful.
Learning how to interact in a constructive manner can be developed by breaking the isolation by attending alanon face to face meetings, sharing honestly from the heart, working the steps, living one day at a time. focused on ourselves.
Practicing these principles help us to focus on ourselves, our needs, and we become able to validate our needs, appreciate our assets and be grateful for our life. Once these tools develop drawing boundaries follow naturally.
It really is a process so please just keep coming back and using the tools.
One of the things I'd change and I did in the past was stop listening to negative stuff...songs, conversations, news casts etc. setting boundaries is about practicing getting thru the fear first and also learning how to say stuff without negative emotions and words. It was about coming to an understanding that I wasn't dealing with a bad situation and with a sick one. The fear is about my mind drawing up negative outcomes and believing them as real when they are not. Keeping it simple was a great slogan for me as I didn't have to go on and on and on explaining what I was doing and why. I learned that "no" was a complete sentence and "no" was one of my boundaries when I didn't want to get involved in anything that would drive me into negativity and pain. I don't react setting up boundaries; in other words I think before I respond. I once heard that it was in the thinking time that I would be listening to God help me with my decision and that is how it has come out for me. Boundaries can be for two or more people...keeping me in order and keeping others in order also...You have to start some where and starting with asking and then listening before practicing is the best place to start. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Great responses so far.....recovery is truly and simply one day at a time. Follow the al anon way as it will give you the structure you need, get a sponsor, surround yourself with healthy people, healthy foods, etc and believe that you can become victorious over the victim within. It may take a little time or a lot of time to feel better, however, if you stay on this path, you will be stronger. When you are stronger your interactions with people will be more empowered. Keep coming back...hugs.
Great responses so far.....recovery is truly and simply one day at a time. Follow the al anon way as it will give you the structure you need, get a sponsor, surround yourself with healthy people, healthy foods, etc and believe that you can become victorious over the victim within. It may take a little time or a lot of time to feel better, however, if you stay on this path, you will be stronger. When you are stronger your interactions with people will be more empowered. Keep coming back...hugs.
I could NOT have said it more true and sincere as Paula did right here........please give this program AND you a chance at a better life......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
