I don't think I'm moving forward - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't think I'm moving forward

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy

My sponsor continued to remind me that "Recovery is a process and not an event". It was my job to use the tools, Meetings, Steps, Slogans, sharing with honesty and reading alanon literature. It was HPs job to "Give me Courage, Serenity and Wisdomas we ask for in the Serenity prayer.

You are doing your job. Trust HP to replace your fear with faith. Remember Courage is Fear that has said it's prayers.

Your son is safe at the moment. I did get to the point that I truly believed that if I didn't hear then all was well and that I would hear if there was a problem and I was right

-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 4th of October 2013 06:46:01 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, What I am going to say, please take no offense, as none is intended. A sponsor would be so helpful for your recovery. This board is great, however, I believe, it is to be companioned with sponsorship. ((hugs))

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Beating yourself up is futille. How about praising yourself for awareness? It is true though Cathy that you need to detach when he's doing good too. You don't want an enmeshed relationship back. Period. He is ideally getting sober to stop this child like dependence on you and others. When he doesn't call and email as much it could be positive. He might be doing this more for himself. He might be developing a higher power to call upon to comfort him. Who knows.

Rose50 · Senior Member

Cathy,

I do understand your fears as we come to expect something and when it doesn't happen...panic. It has taken me a long time to learn not to react and it's a daily struggle.

I have not heard from my son in almost 2 weeks now and you know, it's healthier FOR ME not to know what's going on with him. Sure I get anxious every time my phone rings but I figure no news is good news. I can't allow my mind to go to those worst case scenarios anymore. Whatever it is - it is. I cannot change the outcome. I've been going to Al-Anon meetings on a daily basis and praying to my HP that he takes care of my son. It's really all I can do.

Please try not to worry. I know - much easier said than done. You are not alone my friend.

((((((hugs)))))

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Whether he sends an email or not, doesnt mean a thing. It's not an indication of anything thats going on with him.

My Husband used to call me every day on his break for 26 years, in the beginning of my Alanon years, I would freak if he didnt call.

Thats how I judged my progress, I progressed in my program and finally was able to relax whether he called or not, toward the end of our marriage, he stopped calling, he was probably calling the other woman, who knows, but it didnt break or make my day.

Just because you physically detach and say you want nothing to do with him, you know in your heart thats not true. You have to let the program unfurl, it will happen, it takes practice, and we are not perfect.

Remember, Progress not perfection.

I agree with PP, your HP will help you with finding the perfect sponsor for YOU!.

Hugs,
Bettina

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I know....I go to meetings, I talk to everyone, I listen and contribute, read, pray and even chair meetings. I do the steps the best I can but no sponsor....none...no...nothing.

Going on one year this month and I'm still in pity party mode.

Thank you all so much.....you are the best and help me get over myself.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
Cathy, What I am going to say, please take no offense, as none is intended. A sponsor would be so helpful for your recovery. This board is great, however, I believe, it is to be companioned with sponsorship. ((hugs))

(((((((((((Cathy))))))))))))) Paula has a good point, sweetie......we love ya, but I don't think this board is enough...it is a good *suppliment* to the meets and sponsors.

and, my dearie, QUIT beating you up.....U R moving forward....so u got a worry moment.....U R human and a MOM........its ok, to have a "icky" recovery moment.........

Tasha · Senior Member

Not getting a sponsor and working the steps with someone is kind of a way to self sabotage. Give yourself the best chance at your recovery, and do the most loving things you can for yourself by allowing yourself to follow the program the way it was meant to be followed. Sponsor - steps - meetings - literature - fellowship. You know what's missing... and you know how to stop holding yourself back and love yourself as your all loving HP loves you. Figure out why you're not allowing yourself to have the best chance at a fulfilling and satisfying recovery, and then ask God for willingness to let it go.

Best wishes and lots of love,
Tasha

Rose50 · Senior Member

I've been a member of Al-Anon for over 3 years and the program has been so helpful. I have to admit that I don't have a sponsor either and haven't progressed past the 3rd step although I was a total basket case before Al-Anon.

I find it slow going but I certainly made progress, not that I don't slip into "stinkin' thinkin".

As neshema said - don't beat yourself up. We all have our bad days.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy: You've experienced a lot of scary stuff in relationship to your son - not once, but many times. It takes time to heal. It takes time to trust that you will be okay no matter what your son does or doesn't do. Practice never makes perfect, but it does help us heal, fear less and love ourselves more. That wonderful C2C reminder: What we need to know will come to us without any effort on our part at all. Right now, you don't need to know anything except that you haven't heard from him today. The rest of it is that negative imagination of ours scaring you. What is scaring you isn't real. And - although you don't know what he's doing or not doing right now - other than the scary thoughts that come and go - are you suffering any other kinds of distress or are you basically in pretty good shape in your home right now reaching out to us? Sending you lots of reminders that you are in good hands and so is your son and lots and lots of hugs.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

It's so easy to worry about our straying children, because it comes naturally, and because we can worry endlessly.

I remember something that Harriet Lerner wrote: "Overfocusing on something is a way of underfocusing on something else."

I wonder what overfocusing on your son might be distracting you from? Anxiety or pain about your partner? Grief about the past? Worry about the future? Fear about what to do next about __________?

I remember a wise friend in AA who said, "There's always a payoff." When I obsessed about my A, it kept me from having to make healthy decisions about X, Y, and Z. Because I couldn't change my A. Therefore I could safely get absorbed in worrying about him forever. Whereas I could take action on X, Y, and Z. But I was terrified to.

I wonder what might be lurking under there, that worrying about your son is better than?

Everyone's situation is different. Just something to look at. Take what you like and leave the rest. Hugs.

oldergal · Senior Member

Here is a few good things I read and will pass them on to you take what you like and leave the rest.

Obsessions are almost always rooted in our attachments. So if we can think of them as borrowed from Godthat God alone is the owner of this thing about which we are obsessing--we tend to become less greedy and possessive with our gifts, material and otherwise. In this way, we are mere stewards of whatever God has graciously given us.

Your words, like thoughts and emotions, have the power to change your experience and the world we live in. This applies to both the words we say out loud to others as well as self-talk. If you tell yourself that you're not a good person, you begin to manifest this reality. Fill your mind with positive words and this is how your life will unfold.

Never pity others who you perceive as suffering--this only pushes them deeper into a hole. When you see people in their divine light and perfection you help give them the strength they need to deal with their troubles. Remember that your perception creates your reality.

Accept that you're human and make mistakesand then move on Be compassionate. It's harder than it sounds, so keep practicing.

Matties reply may be something to think about too. in support OG

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My son is busy...very busy with his recovery and for me to think I need to know is wrong. My obsessions are fruitless and just give me pain I don't deserve. I put this on myself for no reason at all.

I prayed about my obsession and asked HP to take it away, took a long walk and thought about why I did this today and if I had ANY reason to justify my feelings. I had none.

All your ESH has given me peace and the continued knowledge and tools I need every single day.

I feel good and no worry at all. I am learning ODAT.....

(((( hugs ))))

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy: It is a possibility to get an on-line sponsor, too, maybe until you find one in your face to face groups? Just a possibility for you to mull over.
And - I just love to see your candid and honest expressions of what you're thinking, how you're feeling, and what you're doing. That in itself says you are progressing. I hope you know that? (((C)))

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathyinaz wrote:

I prayed about my obsession and asked HP to take it away, took a long walk and thought about why I did this today and if I had ANY reason to justify my feelings. I had none.

however you pray that is the best thing....just being WILLING has helped me......watching myself lay it at the light or at HP's feet (hard when I think creator us pure spirit) but i use my imagination......saying outlooud....I am WILLING to give up xxxxxxxxxx and xxxxxxxxxxxxxx and PLEASE let me cast this burden on you, creator, and then I give thanks for that...always thank the source...and keep laying it at the feet or the light whichever works, and then walk away....and do it till one day you walk away and u didn't pick it back up

Cathy you are so honest about your posts, and what Grateful said about online sponsor, i did that many times....it works, trust me it works.....and as friendship grows we exchanged tel/nos. and we TALKED....it worked for me......the only sponsor I have physically hugged was my best friend in the world, who is now in NV, but we lived in CA together....she went to NV, I to TX.....she is the only sponsor an she was not my sponsor bakc then, that I have actually hugged, LOL

so an online or skype or phone sponsor works, it did and does for me......

oldergal · Senior Member

Hi Cathy, what are you doing this weekend, keep yourself busy, hook up with your new/old friends and have some fun, stop thinking so much, and go out and do something different.....in support OG

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

We will keep doing the same thing until we really believe it is not the right way to go.

Also when one really has faith in their HP will take care of the A, we can let go.

hugz, debilyn

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.