The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I miss this board and will write as often as I can. Today I have some extra time and am checking in with you guys before getting lost in the day. I have been through some ups and downs lately-90 yr old mother not doing well, car accident (I'm fine as HP was in my passenger seat), work stress, home construction project, and of course, dealing with my A. I have had moments of intense anger, some obsessive thinking, depression, and then inbetween and today, I'm strong and ready for the day. This week was a test-my A didn't speak to her sponsor for 3 days and missed a meeting. In my head I'm staying with her only if she remains in program. I go SO angry and then my alanon brain kicked in and I realized how very sick she is, she has only begun her work, she is only doing it for me, and we have that long path to wherever we will end up. So, I'm at a point where I can still get totally off track but then the light at the end of the tunnel shines through. Amen, Lyne
In my experience, if your spouse is doing this for you, she has not really begun her work. It sounds like another con job. I went through this with my husband for several years. When I got in my gut that our marriage was the pits and I was hungry for a happier life, my work and recovery began. Until then, I was doing the wishing and hoping dance (secretly), and I did get very angry when I allowed myself to see the truth (because I was being conned) or when my expectations of what he should be doing did not match what he was doing. I needed my anger to get me the hell out of the hell I was in. I am still with him and I know if he does not continue working his recovery for him, he would be living somewhere else. I have had a taste of happiness and I am not settling for less, anymore. I don't do crumbs. You are worth happiness. (((hugs)))
Keeping the focus on yourself is the key. The First step reminds us that we are powerless over people ,places and things. If that is so then we must take the focus off them and place it where it will do the most good-- ON our lives and our recovery.
I am glad you did that after the brief disappointment
My husband and I both let each other know that we would never again live in the sickness we were once living in. My husband knows I would be gone in a heartbeat if he didn't continue his recovery work - and I told him I hope he would do the same if I quit. I came into the program for him, and STAYED for ME. I have done the work for me - and it trickles down to those I love.
He came into the program for ME - and STAYED for HIM. Neither one of us deserves to live with a sick person any longer, and we wont. We made that promise to each other in the beginning. Our relationship started, not when we said "I do" but almost a decade later when we said "I love YOU enough to let you go".
From that point on - we had a union based on 2 individuals who began to love themselves, and started to become capable of loving each other as a result.
So good to hear from you and the strength and progress of your posts comes shining through. I agree with the others that if the recovery effort from your spouse is sort of about appeasing you, it's not true recovery work. I knew last spring when my H was tossing out the idea of AA like a restaurant we might give a try--I remember putting my head down on the living room table and just knowing...okay , this is not for him--at least right now. Then I started really working on me.
You sound like you are doing great in your program...keep taking care of yourself.
