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I've been away for awhile, trying to get everything straight. My alcoholic husband quit drinking for several months, we bought our first house, and have been working on renovations. I also went to therapy to help with my co-dependency issues. Things were going ok.
I found a bottle the other day. I shouldn't have looked, but I knew, I just KNEW he'd been lying to me. And I was right. I confronted him, we argued, and I've made an appointment on Monday for both of us to see our therapist.
I kept asking, 'Why are you hiding it? It would be so much better if you just told me. I could deal with it.'
So today I came home, and he has a bottle. It's a small one, but he's kept it out where I can see it. It's just starting at me. Just all...'Haha, still here. This is how it is, b***.'
I feel like I'm losing my mind. I really thought I could deal if I at least knew he was drinking, but it doesn't make it better at all. I know I'm being controlling, and I should detach and let him make his choices, but it's SO HARD. It's like watching someone drowning and just letting it happen. Even though I know he's probably going to drag me under if I try and save him. I don't know what to do anymore. Monday can't come soon enough.
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 3rd of October 2013 07:11:37 PM
When I first came to Alanon, the idea of detaching was nothing short of brutal. For a long time I was detached without any compassion and it was like being a shell of a human being. After going to meetings, this site, reading the literature, I started to feel that I could let go with love. Mainly it became about me taking care of myself rather than getting too hung up (in my case, obsessed) with what my H was or was not doing.
I can see that bottle out in the open looking at you like 'this is how it is b*tch!'. I would say one choice is to look back at the bottle and say, 'maybe it is...for me how it is, is I am going to....go read a book in a quiet room, or, I am going to.....take a long walk or run, or I am going to a meeting or to call a friend....whatever it is but something for YOU.
I also loved yanksfan's reply...right on...and hope you are getting to face to face Al-Anon meetings in your area (hotline number is in the white pages of your local telephone book). This disease it is said will drive you crazy before it kills you. I can nod to that one. Trouble detaching for me just means more meetings, more sponsor, more literature and practice, practice, practice. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Agreeing with Yanksfan: go do something for yourself when the alcoholic or the alcoholism is staring you in the face. You don't have to stare back!
My AH had claimed he was done drinking right when we were in the middle of buying this house (we've been here almost 2 years) but then I caught him drunk at 1 AM and he went out to get more beer in a black out drunk phase and I remember calling my realtor because I didn't want to complete the purchase of this house. I didn't know who he was or what I was doing in my marriage anymore. I surely wasn't certain we should buy this house at that point. But, we did, and I finally found Al Anon and it's helped me see that everything happens for a reason. This house is in a great neighborhood and I've made a few good friends up here who know my situation and can be there for me if I need them or need them to check on my dog (if I'm out of town and the dog is home with a drunk), etc. The house has gone up in equity quite a bit so I know it was a good investment overall.
As for detaching: I found that easy, I just focused on my program, did things for myself, started getting more pedicures, LOL. Detaching with love and compassion is what I found to be the hardest struggle. I still struggle with it, but I know it's all part of my progress in program. Hang in there, keep coming back!! FYI: You don't have to get dragged down with him, you have choices. I'm in the same boat as you as I have chosen to stay married, but I fully recognize the risk and accept it as my reality. If he starts dropping even further in his disease, I can re-assess the issue and make different choices for me and our son. Spend some time thinking about your choices, come up with a plan A and plan B, and then find a good home meeting for Al Anon that feeds your soul where you can find some support. HUGS!
Thank you for the kind words. I have yet to go to an al-anon meeting, and the #1 reason is because I worry about what he will think. Which is just stupid. It doesn't matter what he thinks, it matters what is best for me. I'm just afraid of the backlash.
Detaching with love is HARD. I can detach, but it's more like me shutting down and pushing whatever is bothering me away. 'It's not my problem.' Which is true, but there's no love there. There's not much of anything there because I'm so empty from dealing with everything. I try to be reasonable and let him live his life, but this central thing. "Is he drinking? He's acting like he's been drinking. I can't sleep because I really really want to know if he's been drinking. Ha! I was right! He is drinking! I am justified in having this mouse-on-a-wheel thought pattern!"
I need to find my happiness and serenity. I have no idea where it is.
Also, apologies for not censoring my curse words, I will do so in the future.
Hi, Spider. I don't think we can detach in love right away or without Al-Anon. We're too busy trying to survive. Your happiness and serenity are not in him or in his drinking or his not drinking. Even if he goes to AA and doesn't drink for 22 years, 9 months, 3 days, and a minute or two, you will still find something else to obsess about. That's how the disease affects us. Al-Anon is the program that helps us find the courage to risk thinking and acting differently. Yes, there will be backlash. But, here's the thing about that. Al-Anon also gives you the people and the tools to withstand that backlash. Without Al-Anon, there's still going to be backlash because you didn't cook something right, you're looking at him wrong, the house doesn't smell right, your family gives him a pain or whatever else the disease is going to spew at you. And you won't have the tools to deal with that backlash that Al-Anon can teach you if you want the lessons.
As far as your curse words, this is what I've learned in my experience - the more somebody curses, the more pain they are in. I know you're in pain. I know you're looking for help to deal with it. You're in the right place. We understand what you're going through. We've been or are going through it, too. The solution we've found is working the Al-Anon program. We tried everything else. It didn't work. Keep coming back. We're glad you're here.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 4th of October 2013 09:06:46 PM
