The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, Phoenix. It is so important to practice self-care in any form that presents itself to us. Talking with a good therapist who has a working knowledge and understanding of the disease's effects on a family is good self-care for you. In my experience, nothing is normal in relationship to an active alcoholic. So many should be happy events and celebrations seem to be ruined more often than not. I don't want to go out in public with an intoxicated family member either. I celebrate my AS's birthdays differently than I do my daughter's. I wouldn't ignore my loved A's birthday, but if he were drugging or drunk, I sure wouldn't set myself up for trouble by taking him out to dinner. Birthday dinner at home for your Mom is just as loving as taking her out to dinner to my way of thinking.
I am concerned about the 2 year old nephew. I hope you've talked with your nephew's parents about your Mom being drunk while he's in her care? That could be or is a disaster waiting to happen. He's too young to be left with an alcoholic caretaker. Telling your Mom not to drink is futile. She isn't lying when she tells you she won't drink. She means it at the time, I'm fairly certain. But.......she is powerless over the alcoholism as we are and she will always drink until she gets into a program of recovery and does what others have done to get and stay sober. Until that time, she isn't capable of taking good care of a toddler. If you haven't talked with the parents and they don't know she gets drunk while watching their child, it is something you do need to do for him. We don't give advice in Al-Anon except in cases of abuse and in this case that's what I see. A child of his age needs the care of somebody who is not incapacitated.
As far as her depression, alcohol is a depressant. If she enters a treatment program for alcoholism and works the steps, attends meetings, gets a sponsor, she may relieve her own depression by no longer drinking. But, that's all up to her to decide. Your being in Al-Anon won't automatically result in her getting sober, but it will definitely help you recover from the effects of the disease if you so choose. I hope you do. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 3rd of October 2013 12:21:03 AM
scaredSo after much deliberation I've decided to go see a therapist again to deal with my AM's drinking and to gain more self confidence (the two not being related). The last time I did this was 5 years ago when I was in college in upstate PA..I dealt with my issues regarding AB ( who was drinking at the time..I'm proud to say he's been clean and sober for 4 years!!!). I was/am nervous, scared etc but this is something that I must do for myself.
I'm waiting to hear back from my doctors office on how much the copay is..I hope it's not much considering I don't have health insurance... (stupid government shutdown!!)
Is it "normal" when dealing with active A's to not make plans for birthday dinners etc in embarrassment of thinking of what could happen? does that make sense? or am I being illogical?With my AB and now with my AM that's what I feel we had to/now have to do with her because we don't know how she's going to react. It breaks my heart to see her like this..but I know she has to be the one to take that 1st Step to Recovery.
She knows we love her and support her but I honestly wonder how long this can go on for...my dad told my brother and I that he's only in this marriage for myself, my brother, my older sister and his grandson (her son). It hurt to hear but I know this is killing him to see his wife like this. He has days where he's okay with it and others where he gets very angry and yells at my AM because that's how he's dealing with this. He won't see a therapist, although he did go to a few F2F meetings but then stopped because I guess it didn't work for him...please pray for him as well.
my sister I know is having a hard time dealing with this too..my AM watches my nephew on Fridays and often times I've come home from work to find my AM drunk and watching over my nephew who will turn 2 on January 23rd! :) We've told my AM repeatedly 'don't drink' and of course she lies and says she won't when she does... there have been very few times that I can remember her not drinking either nothing at all or very little on Fridays when she would watch my nephew.
I'm not angry at her personally because I know it's the disease of drinking that makes her act and talk the way she does. This all began 2 years ago when a mentally ill man attacked her, she had PTSD and finally sought treatment, but then the drinking started as a coping mechanism, and she's also had her knee replaced and complications with that... she's depressed yet won't talk to anyone much less get medication for it. (she's a phyciatric nurse and RN).
I will say this; thank You to my HP that she was sober for the birth of my nephew, her grandson at the hospital.
I don't know why this is happening but the only thing I know to do is to pray and trust that my HP (whom I call God/Jesus) has already delivered my AM from this bondage of drinking, depression etc.
Thanks for letting me share.
I had to see those facts in regards as a caregiver with my A and stand firm. He has issues with alcohol and the alcohol can never be trusted EVER! I love him and know he means no ill will towards the kids. He loves them too. I just made other arrangements and when asked why I wouldn't leave the kids with him. I gently said that I don't trust the alcohol and never will. It is extremely important that the two year old not remain in her care and that the parents are informed of this behaviour. It is not okay. She will hide it and most likely has built a tolerance and you may not be able to tell most of the time but then it will go too far one day.
Please keep coming back. Work the steps. It works if you work it and you are worth it.
Grateful - Yes my nephew's parents (my older sister and her husband) do know about my mom's drinking. We know to tell my sister if we see my AM drinking while watching my nephew, who will be turning 2 in January. Sometimes she drinks, sometimes not. It's an up and down roller coaster...
I'm sure that at the time when my mom says she won't drink when watching my nephew she means it..that doesn't mean she's lying.
Mari- I see what you're saying about making different arrangements however I don't think my sister wants to deny my AM of seeing her grandson for the rest of his life/my sisters life...does that make sense?
Grateful- It's hard to go out to dinner etc without my AM because I miss having her there because when she's sober she's a very nice, happy person but I also understand that she's made her choice to drink and I can't control her drinking, can't cure her of her drinking and I didn't cause her to drink.
I'm doing my best to get back into F2F meetings, its hard copy with school.. I have my classes at night on the nights of our F2F meetings. Coming here has been helpful.
Thank you both for your support.
Phoenix
It makes absolute sense and it most definitely does not mean that she needs to deny any contact. I come home everyday and send the 13 month old towards her Daddy and say in a very excited voice "look its Daddy" and she runs and hugs him.....even though I know most of the time he has already managed to swig quite a few back before anyone notices. It is out of love for myself, the children as well as him I make other arrangements. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and the facts are anyone under the influence should never be left ALONE to care for a small child. Alcoholics who are not in recovery truly believe that they have everything under "control". I asked that my AH not drink when he relapsed when he knew he was needed to watch the kids. I came home one day and he had taken the kids for a walk to the neighbors and the stroller had a number of empties under....my heart sank....I had to start checking his vehicle and noticed empties....I had to stop the insanity of trying to trust he wouldn't drink. I had to just simply make other arrangements. Its not that he is a bad person and that he would endanger them in any way....the facts are very real...terrible things happen to good people.
Please take what you want and leave the rest
In love and support the best I know how for now
M
Hi, Phoenix. I wasn't suggesting you don't go out with your Mom but responding to your concern about not taking her out to dinner for her birthday. Cooking her a birthday dinner is just as loving as taking her out for dinner if you're doing that to celebrate her birthday.
I wasn't suggesting that your Mom shouldn't be allowed to spend time with her grandson but I am and was concerned that you have discovered her taking care of him when drunk. My suggestion was to let his parents know that. Your Mom doesn't need to be protected, Phoenix, but your nephew does.
I understand from what you say that your Mom has gone through some difficult times. Drinking will only make all that trouble worse for her. You won't be able to convince her of that. But, attending Al-Anon meetings, getting a sponsor, reading literature and spending time with people who are involved in Al-Anon will help you deal with some things that from what I've read in your post are very, very difficult and maybe confusing for you sometimes? I know you're busy with school work, but I also know from experience that continued exposure to an active drinker without help ourselves gets worse and worse for us, too.
Lots of encouragement and support. It is very obvious that you love your Mom and you love your Dad - and the rest of the family, too. In my own experience, although I loved my family members very much, I made things worse by being too understanding and too concerned about them. Al-Anon helped me learn to focus on myself and love my As in ways that didn't enable them. Keep coming back. We have on-line meetings twice a day here and you can also find an on-line sponsor to help you work the steps. The program works if you work it, Phoenix. I hope you will choose to do yourself a loving thing and begin to work it for yourself.
