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Hi, elcee: When my son got himself into trouble several years ago, I, like you became very frustrated and angry with his Dad - who'd been dead a number of years. I mentally told him how I felt about his being absent - AGAIN - from the turmoil of our son's life. Not only was he absent this time, he was dead. I was even angry about that as if he'd had any control over that. I was surprised at myself. I also was able to feel a little freer after mentally expressing my anger and frustration with my x. After that, my son's life didn't change much, but that was due to my son - and not to his Dad or to me. He was making his own choices and slapping away the hands that were reaching out to help him. That slapping away help was also not due to his Dad's absence or to me. My son made those choices. He wanted to party. He wanted to keep on drugging and drinking. Nobody forced him to do that. He made those choices on his own. He also knew where he could get help in AA. He didn't want it.
In hindsight, I wasn't really angry or frustrated with his Dad. Underneath it all I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed by the entire situation and devastated by the losses my son was enduring - primarily due to his choices at the time. In some ways, it helped me to escape the powerlessness I felt then and the overwhelming belief that I was primarily responsible for my son and what happened to my son. What helped me work through all that was getting the surface stuff out first (anger and frustration are uncomfortable, but they don't hurt and often with anger we can feel some sense of power and control) and then letting myself feel the deeper feelings of powerlessness, sadness and over-responsibility for a life that wasn't mine, didn't belong to me and wasn't acting in a way I wanted that life to behave. Once I surrendered to the deeper feelings, sanity in the form of doing what I could do with my own life and accepting that my son's life was his to do with as he pleased whether I hated how he lived his life or not, I saw other options for me and for my relationship to my son that I couldn't see as long as I clung to the notion that I was primarily responsible for my grown son's life.
I don't know if my story will be any help to you at all, but I offer it to you with trust that you will take what you like and leave the rest. Tons of understanding, support and care, elcee. It's hard to let our kids be and do what they will be and do when it isn't what we'd hoped or planned for them. Yet, what other choice do we really have? All the suffering and storming we do in the world on behalf of our grown children isn't going to change them or help them or cure them. It's just going to make us sicker.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 2nd of October 2013 06:54:43 PM
I think of compassion for the alcoholic in my life like a gauge on where I am in my recovery. Lately, my gauge is running on empty. Even to think of my ex ah my face screws up and I feel nothing but hatred for him. When I first got into recovery, I still had some contact with my ex and I found compassion after a few months of intense anger that I think I did an excellent job of keeping control of. I mean I could still chat with him and interact and only now and again would my feelings rise up.
Today though, I have no contact with him and the mere mention of his name makes me feel anger and hate. I am not liking the intensity of my feelings, I don't feel they are beneficial to my recovery. I know that compassion is the opposite and will help in my recovery. I am sharing here in an attempt to possibly get to the bottom of my feelings and maybe even move on from them.
I am angry at him again. He is sober today, in AA, but he still has little to give his family. He has three children all over the age of 16 but still in need of a Father, he has little contact with them. We have our son who is currently homeless and he still takes nothing to do with him. I think I am having expectations on his sobriety, I think - well he is learning about a new way of thinking surely he cant still be wallowing in self pity? or I think at what point does he begin interacting with his family? When will he decide to be a Father or make amends? Nothing, nothing changes as far as I am aware. It makes me mad that he gets away with everything - responsibility for his children, worry, repairing relationships, he seems to get such an easy life, his whole life. He has been in and out of AA for a couple of years and this is his longest period of sobriety - it must be about 6 months or so. I know what your going to say - that hes so early in recovery, its all about him at this time in his life. Why does he get off so lightly with family problems and issues? He cant even take on half the load. He has never taken on his fair share and its making my blood boil.
Sometimes compassion is tiring for me - it takes so much effort right now to think of this man as ill, I am resisting that because I don't want to let him off the hook. I think my feelings stem from my son being homeless, its like I am the only parent he has and its too much pressure, he is aware of the problems but does nothing, suggests nothing, offers nothing, makes no contribution to anything to do with our family. My parents are dead, I have only 1 sister, he has his lots of family members, all of whom could show concern or could offer help but nothing!! I can see I am feeling sorry for myself. I am back to step 1 again!!! I am powerless, always have been. I think I need to pray for forgiveness for him and get back to focusing on my own life. I am spending too much energy on negative feelings for him and I really don't want to give him anything right now.
Thank you for listening, any suggestions would be appreciated.x
I understand and believe me I have certainly felt as you do. I believe that al anon does not expect us to be angels and walk around feeling compassion for all without occasionally reverting to anger and resentment. That is why we have the Steps and the tools
You have just used an important tool --You owned your feelings That is huge!!! Usually I denied how I felt, pretended all was well when I was really a mess.
Alanon gave me permission to feel all my feeling. Own them, verbalize them ,feel them deeply and THEN ask HP to lift them . In this way they can be replaced with compassion and wisdom.
It really is a process and you are doing well.
I will hold you and your family close in my prayers today
((((EL-CEE))))....try looking up in the appendix of our daily readers the word resentment. Your post reminds me of when I held on to resentments and how they use to trap me all the time. They still do today when they rise up however I don't linger on the thoughts and feelings as near as long as I use to. One of the things that use to happen to me was that when I had those negative thoughts and feelings for anyone it was me that felt bad all the time and I got to the point where I hated myself and dwelt in depression (anger turned inward) for a long time. My sponsorship taught me to make the program principles; unconditional love, compassion, empathy, mercy, grace, honesty and all the others a part of my character....not just something I did and something I was. I like that sooo much better because my self hatred doesn't come forward anymore. Compassion for me is "feeling with" and is very near like "empathy" it is like knowing how to be in other peoples shoes because I've been there before myself. Self compassion and empathy (rather than feeling sorry for yourself) brings closure. (((((hugs))))) .
I hear you loud and clear EC, my exhusband left his two sons when they were 14 and 15....he abandoned them and started an easy life for himself in another state. He has never made up that absence to either one of them. I was mad that I had to carry the burden by myself, but yet I was the one who divorced him and made that choice, but didnt really know how hard it was going to be. He has never and will never make amends...I do not have compassion for him, sorry but thats just the way it is right now...I don't dwell on it, but when someone brings the fact up, it doesnt feel very good. In support OG
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
It seems to me that acknowledging unacceptable behaviour is important. Unfortunately I also realize that acknowledging it and then learning to accept it is one enormous giant complicated jigsaw puzzle. All the pieces are there now how in the world do all these pieces fit together. It takes time and patience and some puzzles are definitely more complicated than others. I have to walk away a few times, cry a few times and then in my own way on my own time find a way to accept it and move forward.
I have been asked a number of times by my current A why it is I don't seek ex A's support financially. It makes A very angry towards me for being stupid. Ex A is extremely tormented and lost. Somehow in some manner I came to the understanding a long time ago to not expect anything from someone who had nothing to give. Do I get angry, you bet. But in time it fades and I have learned to put it back where it belongs on the shelf. It does not solve anything and there is no solution to it but to just let it go. That puzzle is missing pieces. This puzzle currently in front of me I have yet to discover if all the pieces are there.
In love and support the best that I know how for now
M
Funny, I just re read the part where I said I expect nothing from someone who had nothing to give. Lightbulb moment! Just because it is more apparent in some situations we may not recognize it in others. I am laughing at myself and shaking my head.
Ironically, if your ex-A actually achieves some sobriety and the knowledge of how to work a program, he will have lots to give. So...him just being sober for now is worth something. He may be able to show your son how to do it one day.
