The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I want to start by saying I am grateful for MIP being here for me
For some reason I have no ESH for myself or anyone else right now. I'm like frozen in time. I'm not sad but I'm not happy. Not sure if it's fear or worry. I'm just not myself.
I think about what is going on and I do think it might be because I want so bad to believe my son is getting the help and is truly in recovery. But in the back of my mind......nothing just nothing
I also think I want it to be all over, but I know that it doesn't work that way. Recovery might never happen or he will be fighting his disease for the rest of his life in recovery.
Recovery for me will be for the rest of my life also and I can't seem to get past the WHY am I not dealing with it the way I should.
My son got a 1 hour privileged to use the computer and he wrote me a email. He sounded so happy and encouraging that he is doing the right thing and his sobriety is the most important thing in his life right now and to be where he's at is the greatest gift given to him. He found his HP in the following message:
To mine I reflect on my heroes... Story Musgrave, Dr. Michio Kaku, Steve Nash and all the others. I like mind, body, and spirit approach:
Thorough understanding of the problem and identifying what tools I need (Me); taking care of my body physically and biologically (Nash), theorizing on the existence of a HP and coming to a conclusion that I will never understand the connection between how things were created, or not even created (I know, that is deep lol - Kaku); and finally putting them altogether into what I would consider to be one of the best examples of a human that exists (Musgrave).
It makes me cry with being happy but also what life holds for him.
OK.....I just needed to write today in hopes of getting back on track and live life on life's terms.
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I know this feeling you are going through. I think it is mostly just a state of overwhelm. Sometimes our body and mind needs to shut a lot of things down in order to protect us from overload. At least that's the way it works for me.
I try to trust that feeling as annoying as it is, and let it be for a bit. It's hard for me. I'm a recovering control freak. I like to be on top of things, so that shut down feeling is hard. I have learned that it is necessary sometimes, though.
You can believe that your son is getting help and is in recovery because this is what recovery looks like. It's not easy. Its really rocky. There may be slips and he will struggle. This is all part of the process. I gained a lot of peace years ago when I realized that I needed to have faith not only in my recovery, but in the recovery process of those I loved. Recovery never happens on my schedule. LOL
Anyway, I think you are fine. You are where you need to be right now. Trust that and take care of yourself. Stay out of judgement of yourself and him. That will help.
Love in recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
(((((Cathy)))))...for me that was the kinda, sorta, stuck place. I had nothing to react to and no plans on where to move to and so I was just there and I learned solutions; one being to crawl up into my HP's palms and just relax knowing that I was loved unconditionally and that it was okay to just lounge there and listen. Another solution was to sit and reflect about where I had come from and what had happened and what I then had learned in program. I inventoried my program work and then got together with my sponsorship; getting another members perspective and ESH is like going to a gold mine for gold; just like you've done here. Might even want to recheck your 4th step and 5th step also. In support (((((hugs)))))
Cathy I think you have just experienced enough for now. Your brain is saying," ok, now you are on time-out for a bit so I can get myself back on track and in control. So enough with the emotions for a bit, enough with the wondering and the second thoughts, let's just let this girl rest."
It is just so hard being able to look down the road for someone else and seeing bad things coming if they continue on their path and having them ignore all the signals to get off to the side. And the knowing that their LOOK MOM, see how well I am doing could be a momentary thing. The hard thing, and the thing I am finding impossible, is not letting them take you with them. Just letting them be in their journey and getting on with our own. I really ,really hate being a mother right now because I am reading between the lines of my son's emails and knowing that all is not going well with him and also knowing that, this time, we will not be reaching out to help. And picturing in my mind how he is going to be so hurt and confused and lost when he finally gets it that we really meant what we said when he left.
Sometimes I just don't have anything to give either....it could be I am just exhausted from a big step 4 , or I am depressed, or something else ...
I also decided to , yes, of course find the energy to welcome the newbies b/c I was once a scared newbie, so I will find the energy for our newcomers...Had I not received so much love and welcoming as a newbie, I might not have lasted....
but with others, I find this esh'ing is a give and take, just like any other relationship in life...
the ones who step up for me at least as much as they can, I will find the energy for them.....the others, I let go in peace and love and wish them well on their journey....
I must take care of me first , I may not have the same pains, but I do have my pain..This inability to make adequate income is scaring the daylights out of me...Add to that a very toxic relationship with someone close I HAD to commit over to HP and just stay away from to save my sanity....I finally chose self preservation...My issues may "look" different, but I am in recovery bc I am CODA and ACOA and I NEED recovery......and this whole YEAR has been bad...so yea, I can relate..pain is pain....Doesn't matter the origin...pain is pain...And as I age, I feel more tired...
take care, Cathy.....U have to put you first....If you don't, no one else will...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
