The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
.... or so I am thinking right now. that's the deep source of most of my issues with life. The A is just one trigger that pushed this to the limit and this pointed it out to me. But the problem is mine I have to admit.
FOCUS. what a small word with such big importance.
What brought since i can remember difficulties in my life was this:
multi-tasking experiencing and owning my reality, because I don't give each thing, person enough time, not even myself
expectations letting go of the outcome of things! this not allowing me to experience freedom, not being open
self-sabotaging self-esteem! this creates a lot of jealousy, and I suffer many times with a sense of competition, in most of all aspects of life, being under constant pressure, kind of perfectionist.
procrastination ability to set boundaries, this is a huge issue for me right now, because I just discovered this about myself, and WOW am I struggling with that. That's how I got aware how i put so much load on myself, how much fear I have to 'finish' things....Am still trying to figure that out, i behave like that since childhood. With some things I just believe they will not be accomplished 'good enough' , so I keep pushing them away from me. Result of this is, I feel a lot of discontent, pressure, and even lower self-esteem. I got much better though in adulthood...I try to get organized with lists ....but that transformed into a huge multi-tasker. I used to think of this as a quality, but now it dawns on me that it might be my biggest weakness, or obstacle to lightness and peace and serenity.
If I manage to focus, I can share and experience life much more moderately, and it also feels much more balanced.
How did you guys experience that? do you find it hard to focus, on yourself, on activities, one at the time. I realized, if I had that skill, A would never have a chance to come all over me, because I simply would have been too busy caring for myself.. Why is it that we are like that. Did any of you find out by going back to childhood work? I remember that I hated going to one music class, that my mum had to drag me there, and that whenever that day approached, I got sick, panicked, and just wanted to run away. Reason for that was a huge feeling of shame and guilt and embarrassment, because I wasn't good, because I wasn't interested, and the teacher was horrible and mean, and we had to stand in front of the class, and I used to be this shy person that almost had a heart attack when standing in front of a group....Things like that I do remember...But that feeling comes back in adulthood, in so many ways. Of course the best way to get around that is walk right through it....
But i'm currently really struggling with that procrastinating thing....I never understood what that word meant. today I know it is the contrary of self-care.
Any ESH for that matter? I am full of unrest, trying to get tasks done, beating myself up. It blocked me in so many ways in my career also, which is kind of sad, because I always settle for less!
any tips for that subject in recovery.??? I really want to change that part of me, because I believe it is one of the roots! the WHY of it would already advance me a little.
example again on procrastination:
I come and post here instead of finishing up a paper that is due some time ago. Why can i just not FINISH it?
but reading and studying and doing the step work also takes all of my attention, because I discover new things every day, it really feels good to work through that. The problem is, I'm not getting paid for this by my boss... so I try to do multitasking again, which simply results in CHAOS! oh dear....
I can relate to lots of things in your post and I've struggled with focus the past few years. In my case this is unusual since focus was something that I was good at before AH's affair. Now the gremlins in my head butt in when I'm not paying attention and of course that wastes sooooo much time!
I've found a few tricks that help a bit -
meditation - I'm currently reading Jon Kabit-Zinn's books on this.
Timing / discipline - If I have a deadline for something, or a task that I'm not keen on but that must be done, then I consciously set an appointment with myself and put a time limit on it - two hours for instance. As you can imagine the discipline part is turning up for the appointment! So I need an incentive - and that is why I have the second appointment. After two hours I get to my next appointment which is to take a walk, have a soak in the bath tub, anything that is restorative and rewarding.
I think that we are all a little afraid of other peoples judgement and when my self esteem is low then it is even harder to set myself up for failing. It is so tempting to not try at all. But that does not help in the slightest! A bit of a challenge is a good thing and thankfully I can still remember that nice buzz of 'oh boy, did I really manage to do that?' That is something that feels good.
Multi tasking - again, the appointments work for me on this. They stop me from trying to do three things at once. I constantly interrupt myself though. It is much nicer and more fun when I slow down and live with in the Now (Which reminds me, have you read The Power of Now by E Tolle?)
I'm not sure if this helps at all, but focusing on myself only came naturally to me when I felt like I had the freedom to live my own life and not somebody else's.
I identify with your self-sabotage, self-esteem, self-respect and procrastination issues. I also found that although revisiting childhood experiences was cathartic, it didn't magically sweep the slate clean for me to finally be fixed and start living my life. Neither did any kind of psychotherapy, or Seven Habits of Highly Effective People books, or ADHD workbooks, or multiple alarms on multiple devices, or resolve.
I agree with your title that focus is the key! But I couldn't force the focus to come while sunk deep in codependency. I think the light bulb went on for me after reading so many of the valuable posts here, such as "Give to yourself what you think it is you need from someone else", "Keep to your own side of the street", "Live for yourself, not other people", or words to the effect of me not really being able to give truly of myself until I am living my own life, at all times the way I believe is right, as determined between me and my HP.
I had to have the lightbulb moment first, and then magically, the focus arrived. When I was no longer preoccupied 75% of the day with someone else's personality, I could finally see my own. I couldn't force myself to see this while mired in codependent thought habits.
-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Wednesday 2nd of October 2013 08:57:42 AM
I do believe that you have uncovered one of the" Exact Nature of our "Wrongs" . We are asked to search out these in the 4th and 5th steps.
The reason alanon continually stresses" KEEP the Focus On Yourself" is for the exact same reason that you uncovered We who live with or have lived with the problem of alcoholism have developed similar destructive tools to live with . These tools worked in childhood but sabotage us in our adult lives.
.Focusing on ourselves helps us uncover these negative tools and see how non productive they are. The awareness, acceptance of these are crucial to my recovery Seeing them owning them and then asking HP to lift them worked for me.
In addition we are asked not to blame or judge them or others as this too is destructive exercise in futility. . Focusing on others, never being in the present moment, self sabotage are all familiar to me. It appears I was fearful of success, wanted to do only my way, refused to be teachable and wanted to be a princess by not doing anything and have everyone else do it all.
Alanon gave me the ability to see the motives for my actions, learn new ways and then let go of the negative tools
Live one day at a time, never drifting to the past or the future, praying for knowledge of HPs will and the power to act was a daily exercise that worked for me
I hear you are using the tool Face it, trace it, and erase it . That worked also
I am experiencing some procrastination right now because of so many big changes that have occurred in the last year - my mother's death, my brother's abandonment of me as his sister, coworkers who are my friends at work losing their jobs, possible loss of my own job and a complete overhaul in the workplace of how we do business. It's been overwhelming.
For me the key to my serenity is finding balance. I make lists too. I can sometimes make a list with one task broken down into very small pieces. I give myself enough time, more time than is logically needed to do each of those tasks. It's really a way of accepting where I am and being gentle with myself. I can give myself permission to work on something one hour at a time or even two hours that would likely only take a half hour to do. Like you, I can recognize when I'm stuck and this is the method I use to unstick myself.
There is always some reason for my procrastination (I like to call it avoidance). It doesn't have to be predicated by some traumatic life event either current or past, sometimes I'm just lazy But ya know what.... even laziness is ok! It's progress for someone who did too much. I ask for help these days. That is a bigger daily accomplishment for me than anything else. Of course I ask my hp for help but I've also I've asked my sponsor and friends. Some things I've hired someone else to do - no need to do it all and no shame in not doing it myself. I don't beat myself up over this kind of thing anymore. I don't tell myself messages like... oh, I'm paying someone to do this for me and "most" people do this themself. Who cares! Truthfully, people I hire do a better job because it's their work and it frees me up to keep my serenity and spend time on something else. For me, every day is about meeting myself where I am and accepting where I am. Sharing my emotions with my hp and my sponsor and asking for help works for me. Hugs! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
But ya know what.... even laziness is ok! It's progress for someone who did too much. I ask for help these days. That is a bigger daily accomplishment for me than anything else. Of course I ask my hp for help but I've also I've asked my sponsor and friends. Some things I've hired someone else to do - no need to do it all and no shame in not doing it myself. I don't beat myself up over this kind of thing anymore. I don't tell myself messages like... oh, I'm paying someone to do this for me and "most" people do this themself. Who cares! Truthfully, people I hire do a better job because it's their work and it frees me up to keep my serenity and spend time on something else. For me, every day is about meeting myself where I am and accepting where I am. Sharing my emotions with my hp and my sponsor and asking for help works for me. Hugs! TT