The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Just am lonely tonight. Doesn't matter who I'm around yet as I type this I realize right now that with other alanon members, the lonliness is much more bearable .. Had an epiphany though and recognizing this is truly part of my own personal acceptance process .. darkest before dawn as usual ..
Would like to type can't tell you why I'm depressed but that's not entirely truthful .. Just so humbling to see where I am and yet it's so much further than where I was .. It's times like these I usually miss the fun alcoholics in my life .. ugh .. which by the way had the epiphany that while I've been drawn to chaotic excitement pretty much my entire life, I truly thought God was boring .. go figure; he wasn't an alcoholic after all .. he's anything but boring I know but seeing where I was .. at the beginning of the week, I found myself walking around thinking of the Removal process of defects .. the process, not the event I once believed it would be to have God take something away .. And .. as my defects were removed, it wasn't like they were gone to never return again, it was more of a removal as in distance in which some of them no longer dominated my thinking .. Well prior to alanon, I Never turned to my higher power, etc... It took too long, so I turned to defects instead, and I began to see what I recognized as my own removal process from my own higher power.. I was taking myself away and walking more and more along the dark path of addiction and chaos; chasing after of course the addicts before me .. So, this week I had this feeling like God was Again angry at me or Unhappy and I pretty much heard him asking me, well what do you think I'm angry at you for .. at the same time my recovery was flashing before my eyes .. I saw how much work I put in to working the steps and I see myself consistently Admitting my own powerlessness so I really couldn't see a reason .. I found myself telling God, well I don't know .. you're usually angry about Something .. when he asked me like what I realized .. Well .. I don't know .. and then it hit me .. one of the primary alcoholic thinkers in my life was always angry and we never really did know entirely what for .. they were also Never happy ... So .. upon further meditation I was thinking of why do I always think god, god is angry then and I realized that God doesn't seem to get angry the way people do when they are like just having a bad day or something or struggling and I had the spiritual awakening that God does get angry but it is nothing like that .. Anger is grief .. So, With my removal process awareness flashing before my eyes, I realized y for the first time .. I no longer see God as an angry God .. I see Him as beautiful loving serene and kind but angry in the fact that he is also a Grieving God for the loss of the ones he loves .. It may read crazy but I recognize how much he truly loves us and how much He feels the loss when we remove ourselves .. I also have began to ask myself on a much deeper level if there were no needs, no other people, no reason other than love, would I truly just be with my higher power for a real relationship that is based on nothing else but love .. This has given me so much to think about .. I recognize through the pamphlet the merry go round of denial that mentions the play, which the name is literally the merry go round of denial .. the alcoholic does the first act, we follow the script respond, there are movie critics, applauses, some get booed off stage, and on and on .. that my true motive with God for a long time was to more or less show and say .. ok .. so here's the deal .. I want you to be the Cohost of my home movie .. but there is nothing to be upset about because I'm giving you a Great role .. your part is to just make me shine and follow the script, etc.. half lol .. but now I'm looking at the process of returning to hp .. it's painful, lonely, dark at times, and others there is so much joy but my acceptance lies in accepting the dark times of confusion and frustration, fear, obsession, etc., that accompany it .. I have been so in the clouds for so long with the idea of hp ..
just needed to share tonight and appreciate the opportunity .. I'm sad .. and I think it's just ok to say it feels like a dark night .. Every member of alanon carries so much light .. When I think back on how empty and unavailable so much was in the home I grew up in, I hear also that was never meant to be my home .. home is nourishing, these were good people who were entirely unavailable .. my home is with hp and with all of you .. thanks for being here for me ..
I completely respect everyone's idea and version of hp .. mine just happens to be God and I just truly needed to share .. hope this reads sense .. I'm also very tired ..
Your understanding of your HP makes perfect sense! If it fits for you and you feel safe in that relationship with your understanding of HP - enjoy and have a wonder-filled one-day-at-a-time life. What doesn't make sense is an angry, punishing image of god - much like alcoholism doesn't make sense. Who could ever build a genuine relationship with that image of god? Nobody that I know. I'll bet nobody you know either? With that image of a god in mind, no wonder some of us create a script in our minds for our lives where we give back to god what we think god has given to us?
I love your share grateful .. It's actually truly profound and It will help me .. Thank you and Thanks you too hotrod .. So grateful to have all of you .. love the fact I can always gain a clearer perception with alanonners .. It's the one place I can Trust my Expectations will be met .. Nothing has Ever made sense with Alcoholism .. I will be meditating on that one tonight ..
What doesn't make sense is an angry, punishing image of god - much like alcoholism doesn't make sense. Who could ever build a genuine relationship with that image of god? Nobody that I know. I'll bet nobody you know either? With that image of a god in mind, no wonder some of us create a script in our minds for our lives where we give back to god what we think god has given to us?
Powerful share. Thanks!
THAT is the god i was brainwashed to believe i, the angry, punishing, almost like waiting "up there" with his club to bash me when I slipped or made a mistake.....I was so anti god b/c of that..I still have issues w/it when i see the global suffering and misery, I know...man's doing to man, but still....all those prayers, globally not being answered.....and i know people must be praying for relief from their misery and none comes.....like me during my time in hell.....so yea, i had to kind of build what I could accept re: a HP, like great spirit, or the universe or the source of all things GOOD....pure spirit but of love.........i guess i'll always have doubts, issues, questions, as far as any god goes, but when i see the love in this program, it had to come from somewhere....something greater than us had to create the love i see in program...powerful stuff, glad i read this thread...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Great share, nesherma .. Thank you !! .. I saw it when you reposted up there .. it was my own thinking period that like alcoholism never made sense .. I was so confused before coming in .. I did the punishing image .. pretty much all I knew ..
(((((Metwo2)))))...loved the share and the browsings in it which caused me to remember how I arrived in program including arriving at my present relationship with a Power greater than Jerry F... I use to humanize God thinking that God must feel and see and react and think just like me until I started listening and watching God work in and around my life. Not!! God ain't like me at all and God's will is simple, "Love and be Loved". Unconditional Acceptance of everyone...not just the alcoholic/addicts in my life and me included. It became loving without the "tingle" the sexual buzz and I came to understand what it mean't and how I was to do it. I was no longer in love with being in love I was just unconditionally loving. I knew from a very early age that God wasn't and could not ever be punishing because love doesn't punish ever. God loved me and still does warts and all and because of that mentoring I want to do what God does also...unconditionally.
My God is a loving God.
When you see the worlds sorrow, remember his light is shining. God/HP to whichever we choose to believe, is the gathering of souls who rush in to aid those who have lost. Its in the heart of a firefighter who rushes into a burning building to save another soul. It is in the arms of the stranger who reach out to us when we fall. God/HP is not angry but accepting of ones wrong doings in hopes that we can forgive as easily as we can be forgiven. We have been given free will.
I know for myself I would not be as grateful for what I have been given had I not had to suffer the consequences of my own poor choices. It is not punishment it is discipline.
Discipline teaches a child how to act. Discipline should make sense to a child. It should have something to do with what he has done wrong. Discipline helps a child feel good about himself. It gives him the chance to correct his mistakes. It puts him in charge of his actions.
Punishment only tells a child that she is bad. It does not tell a child what she should do instead. So punishment may not make sense to the child. Punishment usually has nothing to do with what the child did wrong.
