The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
First thanks for reading as I can't wrap my head around something. Been dating/engaged to a woman on and off for 3 years. She is 44 y/o with Alc and Cocaine Addiction. Been through many treatments. Longest sober is 90 days ( for last 6-7 years). Anyway I have been supporting her, she lived with me till she tried to commit suicide while I was not home and texted me how it was all my fault. So after last stent in-treatment (only agreed to go since no one else would take her in) she went into a sober living house which I paid for. She has gotten and lost tons of jobs within weeks but finally found one and is sticking with it. She is now paying most of her way (I still cover health insurance for the possibility of another hospitalization for relapse or bi-polor episode). Everything was going ok till a few days ago and then I get the line from her that "I can't stay sober being with you". I'm the one that got rid of all the alc in the house, stopped any drinking in front of her or when i would see her so I would not smell of it. I enjoy a glass or two of wine if I'm out and not addicted to it (food another thing). She has been working the program for last 90 days and it's like someone (sponsor?) just told her that she shouldn't be in a relationship and her reason to me is that she can't be sober and be with me. I was her biggest advocate. I just don't get it!
You didn't cause it (even if she says you are the reason she wanted to commit suicide and that she can't be sober if with you)
You can't cure or control it (even if you got rid of all the alcohol in the house, stopped drinking in front of her, made sure she never smelled alcohol and also paid for her insurance in case she needed hospitalization).......
But you can take care of YOU. Find an AlAnon meeting near you, get a sponsor, start working the steps.....and
Keep coming back
Hi. Welcome to MIP. First things first - a sponsor wouldn't tell somebody they shouldn't be in a relationship if they understand the program. Although this is Al-Anon, both programs operate on the same principles and traditions. We don't give advice on those issues unless somebody is being physically abused. I can say that as a recovering person in Al-Anon, I can see how my newly recovering loved one might believe they can't stay sober in relationship to me. You don't say if you're in Al-Anon? I'd like to suggest that you attend meetings in your area, get conference approved literature there, and start the recovery process for yourself, too. Alcoholism and drug addiction affect us, too. We need our own program to recover from the damage done to us by the disease as much as our loved one needs a program to get and stay sober. Keep coming back here, too. Lots of encouragement for you and your gf in these early months of sobriety.
Aloha Baffledinva...welcome to the board and Wow!! I heard my former sponsor talking to me as I read your post as he once suggested to me that I read my own story as if I were someone else and see what conclusions I come to. One of them was that "I was crazy" by what I was doing. What in the world was I hoping to gain by first getting into a relationship with a progressed alcoholic/addict and then trying to "carry her" on my back when she openly said she wanted to be left alone. Hell I've even gone searching for her in pitchblack midnight in mountainous forest terrain. What was I trying to do? I learned that only one of the things that showed up in my own story was that I was leaving my own happiness and sadness to the responsibility of someone who couldn't and wouldn't even take care of her own. She was addicted compulsed toward drinking and using at all times...then getting hurt from it...cleaning up a bit and going back out. I even caused her to go back out the last time before we divorced and didn't even know I was doing that. Maybe that is what your friends sponsor was saying. She won't be able to grow up and out if you are there to prevent her from it by doing it for her. could be?? Our disease is enabling and it was inside of the rooms of Al-Anon that I learned that only one of the view of enabling is that not matter how much we do to make it better it always gets worse. I identified with that one big time and so partly because I wanted my spouse to have a chance at getting clean and sober I quit trying to fix her...lead her...teach her...scold her...blame her...judge her...coddle her; into recovery. I left her alone. One of the last things I tried to do was "preach to her" and she thru the bible back and almost hit me in the head with it. My sponsor asked me "Well what would you have done if you were in her place coming off a jag and drunk with someone standing over you wanting you to read a bible"? Got it!! left her alone.
I suggest going to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number for the Al-Anon Family Groups in your area and finding out where and when we get together there and come visit. Believe me a chair is waiting for you and lots of help. Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs)))))
I know this is serious and painful but why expect her to make rational sensible choices? When has she done that? I could see the value of her learning self care and she does not sound like great relationship material.
I am so very sorry that you have been so disappointed. Addiction is a dreadful disease over which we are powerless. Living with the disease we too become lost, isolated and confused. I urge you to find an alanon face to face meeting and attend You are not alone and you deserve the support and understanding you will find
Hi baffled. You are a saint. Now, I know you don't want to be a saint, but you have been supportive of her to the detriment of yourself. And that is why we say you have to take care of yourself first. You give and give and give and pretty soon you forget all about yourself because you are so giving.
And another thing is that she is not nearly as nice to you as you are to her. Why? Because this disease makes her that way. You are trying to make sense of it all. You can't wrap your head around it. It is not the fault of her sponsor. The sponsor is not putting ideas in her head. It is the fault of a disease that is nonsense. You can't make sense of it because there is no sense there.
AlAnon is counter-intuitive in learning how to live with an alcoholic/addict. You do not do the logical thing that you would do with a not addicted person. You have to do what seems like the absolutely wrong thing. You have to treat her like the grown up that she is and leave her alone. She is asking to be left alone. Even though you see that she is wrong in that request, you have to do the counter-intuitive thing and let her be. Hopefully she will grow up and learn to take care of herself. If she does, she will be much better for you to get to know later. If she doesn't, she won't be your money pit any longer.
Get to an AlAnon meeting, get some literature and keep on reading here. You will learn how other people handled it. There is also another web site with a book called Getting Them Sober. That will help you with the decisions you have to make.
That's why they call the disease cunning, baffling and powerful!
She is, perhaps for the first time, seeing herself, you, and your relationship through 'sober' eyes. She will have to learn to love herself before she can give of herself, honestly, in sobriety and she can only do this a day at a time.
The dynamic has changed..don't wait for a recovering A to get on their knees and thank you for what you've done..half the time they can't even remember the past and if they do it is usually with shame and guilt ( a heavy load) You are expecting actions from her that she is not ready or able to give. Unrealistic expectations only lead to disappointment and resentment.
In Al-anon we can reclaim our own lives, if you attend meetings you will find a supporting fellowship of people whose story is your story, the story of all of us who love an A.
Thank you everyone for words of wisdom and kindness. Honestly I have read each response about a dozen time. Its so amazing to me that when we first got to know each other over 20 years ago what a wonderful, caring and sensitive person she was. We lost touch and caught back up 3-4 years ago. When we started dating it was as if I was with the one I had always wondered what it would have been like to be with her. It was if I got a chance with the one that got away (should have stayed away...). She told me that she was a recovering Coke addict and hadn't gotten in too deep and that she was dignosed with bipolor, but could have been from the drug use. So me being the arrogant and helpful guy, I was like yeah I can handle this and "help" her to stay clean. I love a good challenge but didn't know what I had signed on for. Even back then went to NA meetings, did the research, got the books, everything I could think of to help my friend and new love interest. With all the tools I could help her control it, hahahaha what an idiot I was! I'm thinking at the time that once she is "Cured" from this that we will live happily ever after with white picket fences and our only arguments would be over who loves the other the most (just being funny but yeah it kinda felt like that). It all seems like suck a waste now, both money and precious time. I passed up or messed up oportunies in other relationships (dating during our off times). Isolated Family and Friends (Step 4 and 5 not really looking forward to). Anyway I am just rambling and getting it out after holding it in for so long. I went to and al-alon meeting a few time but I didn't really get much out of it as I was looking for the quick fix, the answer to all of this (i'm in IT and got my degree in Science so I'm used to go to meeting, get answer and then go fix it for good) I'm going to going to start going back with a different thought process this time. I live in a larger city so there are alot of them every night so maybe this will at most help me get though this or at least keep my mind off of it for awhile. I learned long ago that I should not be in my own mind without adult supervision.
Again thanks everyone and I'm sure I will read your responses at least another dozen times. It's nice to be in company that can say been there, done that, and I'm alot better. I'm looking forward for that day myself, just wish it would hurry up.
-- Edited by Baffledinva on Tuesday 1st of October 2013 12:28:03 PM
Glad to see your response and that you recognize how this disease has affected you. You won't be sorry that you are a member of Al-Anon and those of us who delayed entering the program in earnest can probably say that it might have been more profitable for us if we'd gone sooner than later. In the end, I think it just matters that we go and learn, practice and progress! Much encouragement and support for you. There may come a time as you work your program that you'll be grateful to her for helping you find recovery for yourself? But for now, one day at a time in Al-Anon, is good.
