I couldn't find it but i did copy and past for later reading.............its not as easy to read, but you can read "ok"

********************  TAKEN FROM A POST WRITTEN BY JOHN

I read many of the post tonight and couldn't bring myself to respond to each of them individually. ?While each person on this forum is valued and truly a member of my chosen family, I too am going through my own struggles, my life feels very topsy turvy, I am going through my own mental aerobics, and my emotional center seems pretty whacked out most the time. ?Now, I must be honest. ?I believe that 40% of the unmanageability in my life it is a direct result of having active alcoholics in my life, and the other 60% of it is about how I am responding to it all. ?I have been in Al-Anon for 14 years and think that I'm behaving and processing things like an untreated Al-Anon. like a newcomer, or maybe even worse because I can be very skilled and use the program as a weapon against others, instead of as a tool that provides the opportunity for ME to make needed adjustments in MY own life, not to fix the lives of others with. ?Sometimes, it's as though all the program I can muster cannot stop me from being unhealthy and making unhealthy decisions, letting myself get saturated in unhealthy thinking and feelings. ? Like the analogy of the person who says, "leave me alone, I can do this myself, I don't need or want anyone's help, just back the hell off!" ?And then turns around and resents everyone because they are having to do everything alone and no one is even trying to help them! ?LOL ?Or someone stating they want and need help, and gets a lot of it, but instead of utilizing it, immediately starts out setting up road blocks to new ideas and obstacles (excuses and justifications) that interfere with their ability to take and use any solid suggestions. ?And so the mental and emotional whirlwind gets ignited within and takes on a life of its own. ?It just needs to just get started by ME, and then it is running the show again. ?So many times, I have to say, with the voice of authority, firmly, like I am disciplining a child, "John, Stop! ?Just stop! ?I've have put up with enough of your crap for one day!" ?Like what the heck am I going to do? ?Take my own cell phone away? ?Put myself on house restriction for 3 days? Tell myself, "go into your bedroom and don't come out until your attitude changes!"?

The funny part is what get's said after that spill... "bud, me and you are going to a meeting tonight and you are going to be honest and tell on yourself!" ?Suddenly, since that is the last thing I really want to do, the unhealthy part of me starts to straighten up and act right again, trying to find a way around this self embarrassing, sometimes humiliating experience. But I don't let him, (ME) off the hook that easy. ?If I do, I can't get any better, and by gawh, I am so tired of being sick and tired!

Boundaries? ?I read a lot about them here. ?My experience has been that to set a healthy boundary on unhealthy people, I am setting the stage for being disrespected, my boundary being ignored, and being disappointed again and very upset at those I love who have untreated Alcoholism. ?So, ?I don't set boundaries on them, I set them on ME. ?They are mine. ?I get to take full responsibility for whether they are honored. ?I don't do the "if you drink or drug in my home, or come into it under the influence, I will.. blah blah blah. ?I set the boundary by saying to myself, "my home is MY safe haven, where I come to relax, enjoy myself, be comfortable, etc. ?When my home is not that for me, I will do this... and I will do that... to regain, and reclaim my life and my serenity. ?If it means I have to put someone out, I will. ?But one thing for me... is I will not leave my own home. ?When that day comes, it is time for someone to go, but it isn't going to be me. ?Does the alcoholic need to hear this boundary? ?I don't think so. ?I need to hear and honor it. ?It's mine. ?I am responsible for creating it and honoring it. ? I put some relatively healthy boundaries on MYSELF. ?I am an animal lover. I have 3 little dogs and two cats. ?They are so very dear to me. ?I will not associate with any one who abuses, is mean to, or is cruel to animals in any way. ?Should this become a obvious part of the picture of any one's personality, I will find a way to exit my relationship with them immediately, and no longer associate myself with them. ?Do I need to tell everyone this, set the boundary and give them a warning? ?I don't think so, its MY boundary, I need to know it and honor it. ?Another self imposed boundary; I will stay out of most people's business and let them work things out between themselves. ?But if it involves animal cruelty, abuse of a child, the disabled or the elderly... I will make the phone call to the appropriate authorities, I will not turn my back to it. ?Again, my boundary, I get to honor it.

Trying to get abnormal, unhealthy people to act normal and healthy only sets the stage for me to go nuts and become a "crazy maker". ?I don't want to do that to myself or others. ?So, I might express my position once to someone else, but after that... I am not expecting them to honor it, I am expecting ME to honor it.

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I cannot fix any one else's pain, suffering or hardship, but I can be supportive and encouraging, in many ways, offer what I can and simply be there as they move through it and get to the other side of it. ?If they are not willing to do that, but prefer to stay stuck in it... I simply back away, and let them find their own path. ?I will not allow myself to drown in the dis-ease of others, trying to help them when they are not trying to help themselves. ?When finding a solution for someone else becomes more important to me than it is to them... something is seriously wrong with that picture. ??

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Another boundary on myself. ?When my life, that is a gift of recovery get's so busy that it is taking my recovery from me... I'm not able to make as many meetings as I need or should, I am not having time in the am to say my prayer and read a page of literature, when I don't have time to sit down and do my free flow, thought of conscious writing for 10 minutes at the end of a day because I am just too tired, I'm not staying in touch with other members of the recovery community... I will put the breaks on, recommit myself to my recovery, bring it back to being the priority above all else, and do a 30 day regiment that brings back a sense of true structure and consistency in my life. ?I either want to get better or stay sick, and this boundary helps ensure that I am always willing to move back into getting better, getting healthier.

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There is more I could write, but I've done as much as I can at this time. ?I may be adding a few things to this as a reply when I review a few of the post I have read. ?

John

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