The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My name is slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of the worldwide fellowship of al-anon.
There is a young lady that I have befriended in the fellowship that I have began to take an interest in. She is the daughter of another member.
We've been talking over the last few weeks and I got her phone #. I asked her to go for dessert Wednesday night and she agreed. We have good conversation, get along, understand the disease. I think she is cute.
I'm obviously getting ahead of myself and want to get through Wednesday first, but what are your thoughts on dating in the fellowship? Am I setting myself up for a disaster? Any experiences? Thoughts?
My first thoughts are that if it doesn't work out, how would that affect your program? Also, if she is new to the program, then it isn't a good idea; but, if both of you have been working a strong program for a while then it's ok. I'd be curious to know what other's think.
SJ: First, I'm happy to read this. Second, I think it is good to build a friendship with somebody before dating them - especially if they're in the fellowship. Third, I know a couple who is happily married who met in the fellowship. They both do service work together. They became good friends first. Take it slow - in your mind and in your actions. By doing this - building a friendship and taking it slow - you have a better chance of not setting yourself up for disaster. The best marriages are built on friendship first. Even if the romance dies - and sometimes it does - the friendship carries couples through and their respect and love for each other deepens. Good luck!
I met someone at an alanon convention and we went for coffee, talked program and connected as friends. My husband was dead for 3 years and he was divorced 2 years. He lived out of town but visited his mom (who lived in my neighborhood) on weekends. He began to show up at my regular Saturday night meeting and we continued to go for coffee and talk. This went on for over a year We shared how we felt about dating and changing the relationship but waited for nearly a year to actually go out . I had tickets to an Opera and a friend could not go so I reached deep for the courage and asked him and that is how it all began.
It has been over 20 years and the relationship works well . It is based on alanon principles and honesty. Very different from my marriage for it is also a partnership with interdependence.
It is nice that you find her "Cute" I guess I would suggest, go slow, be honest, do not rush and enjoy getting to know each other It is a gift.
I say "slippery slope" from someone who has gone down this same path myself.
The key, as with all relationships, is communication... a healthy conversation about priorities, i.e. your respective recoveries come FIRST, seems to be in order...
As Bud points out - if she is quite new, it would be easy for her to misconstrue the dating with the recovery program....
Slow and honest seem to be two words that come to mind...
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Good for you Jim...very good. My current wife of 20 years and I met in Al-Anon and this marriage has lasted longer than the two others before it. I had to learn how to bring a "well" me into any relationship because so much of my peace of mind and serenity is based upon me and not she. I wasn't as well when we met as I am now and she will say the same thing. Our programs are a benefit to our relationships; all of them and to our own. I do not "own" my wife nor is she an extention of who I am and vice versa. I am pleased that my wife is first my friend and then that I love my friend. I have deep respect for her the same as I have for everyone here and yourself and I love her the same way. She and I have special priveleges which we share with each other and no one else...exclusive intimacies some might say...and we don't abuse that. I learned in Al-Anon my current definition and awareness of what love is..."The complete and total acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are". My wife is in there. Love the cutie as you would be loved and continue to love yourself also. YAY!!
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 30th of September 2013 10:51:13 PM
You realize don't you that you and she won't be alone on Wednesday night? How many of us read your posts? The whole MIP family will be waiting for an update.
I know of a few couples(3 exactly) who are dating who are both in program (Al Anon) and they are getting along just fine. I know that they talked at length about how this would affect their programs and what they would do if it didn't work out, etc. They were very quiet about their dating relationships until about 6 months in and then made it public and more known to others. As long as there is honesty and openness about what your programs mean to you, then I don't think it's an issue.
FYI: all of these folks are pretty far along in program and are all available sponsors, as well. I am so happy for all of them!
