The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Glad you stopped lurking T and came into the room. That was a great opening share. I've been thru that experience twice (pain is fun...insane) as many of us in Al-Anon and also here at MIP have. You are not alone tho it feels that way because of the changes. Let us into your cave as Betty says...you got family and now no active alcoholic living with you. Change takes change and time takes time do some taking for a change for you. I had to learn how to go in front of a mirror and say "I love you" as others in the program were learning how to do. I had to learn how to cry in front of my counselor when he asked me "what do you suppose it is like to be loved by you" I had to see myself as I was and not as how the alcoholics and addicts told me I was like. I had to get the "ism" out from inbetween me and love of self also. I found out that when I learned how to love myself and that my Higher Power never leaves the relationship and isn't the drunk or druggie anymore. HP was elated and so was I and I was never alone again because I had the entire program and me and my Higher Power loving me. How great is that!!?
Keep coming back...just don't get use to it...remodel. ((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 29th of September 2013 12:17:25 PM
Thank you for your share milehi and glad to see you here.
I have to tell you I don't know what was more painful, living with the Alcoholic or living without him.
I still remember the pain of him being gone , even if it was my request. It was difficult. We had been apart for about 5 years and he passed away in July from this disease. The grieving is getting better every day. Death can come to anyone of these poor souls who suffer from this horrible disease.
Just because they are suffering , doesnt mean we have to suffer along side with them. We have to learn to walk the middle road and not be swayed by the whims and the craziness of their addictions. Remember their decisions are based on what their poison tells them to do , to keep up their insanity and to keep up the cycle of their addiction.
I'm so happy to hear you are on the path of Alanon, just keep on , with every day as you learn more . And finally come a day when you can see how far you have come and that your grief was not necessary. That it was your HP's design.
Remember , One Day at a Time.
Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 29th of September 2013 12:43:23 PM
First time posting but long time lurker. I want to thank all the posters here for their shares. It has helped me more than I can say.
Last year my husband of 30 years started drinking again after 20, or so, being dry without a program. All the abusive behaviors returned And he started hanging out at the local bar. I reacted very negatively as I didn't want to repeat the same problems early in our marriage. Everything went downhill quickly and he filled for divorce. I got into working my program but eventually begged him to stay. So wrong on my part - on every level. And typical co-dependent behavior that I now seriously regret. Fast forward and the AH files again and has started a new life in another town. Maybe my detachment was over the top but I just didn't feel like I could go there again.
Need ESH from others on getting used to the silence and loneliness as I sit alone in marital home where kids and family once lived. Working the steps f2f meetings and still seriously struggling and grieving the loss even though I know in my soul that I have no more to give. Too much verbal and emotional abuse to overcome but giving it to HP today in hope of just getting through ODAT.
I am glad that you shared and I would like to welcome you. I do understand the loneliness and sadness of which you speak. It is great that you are attending alanon meetings and taking care of yourself Yes, grieving is difficult, painful and takes time. I too am alone in the family home. At first i found it unbearable--- today it is my "Cave" and retreat. This is a process and the only way through it is by walking through the Fire --one day at a time together with HP and program
I'm glad you had the courage to reach for help. You're not alone in what you're experiencing. Living with an active addict for many years without Alanon had chipped away pieces of my soul. Working the program brings serenity that I did not previously have.
Ask someone to be your sponsor to help as you work the steps.
Grieving is a process. For me, it was necessary to let the strong feelings happen and then fade. I'm still working on forgiving myself. In the meantime, please be gentle with you. Continue to reach out to be with people, even if it's just getting out of the house and being around others (walk in the park, library, etc.) When in the house, make phone calls, turn on the radio or tv, get busy with projects in your community that make you feel good. Do things that are nurturing for you- good nutrition, sleep, exercise, etc. Start building structure into your week in positive ways.
I have recently made decision to leave 20+ yr marriage, so I can relate to the difficulty of getting adjusted to the family home without the whole family in it. What I have been trying to focus on is that the chaos of living w active A was too much for me, and while it is sad and diffiult to get used to a new situation, overall it is a better one for me.
I have received so much support and shared experiences here, sometimes in the middle of the night when there was no way I could sleep. I encourage you to keep coming here, read the literature, attend mtgs too.
Hello Milehi, welcome to the board - I echo Hotrod's words, my home is my safe cave where nothing harmful happens. When I occasionally get the twinge of lonely bugging me I go back and remember the chaos that was. I look around as I sit on my couch, reveling in the peaceful quiet of every Sunday morning, Friday night, Saturday etc. - no one yells at me anymore or calls me names - when I sit here and think about myself LETTING someone scream at me, I can't believe I did that and I can't ever forget that I let that happen!
I've taken the three years and counting to figure out just who I am and what I like - how much time did I spend trying to be someone that someone else wanted me to be, eating what he ate and pretending I liked it? I've spent a lot of time listening to me and working on making my life my own.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Hi, Milehi: Although I've been single since 1979, my home has been filled with my children and then my adult daughter and her son and my adult son. After my adult son and then my daughter and grandson moved out, I still cared for my grandson on 4 week day mornings and a large part of the day on weekends. He turned 14 this summer and my daughter decided he no longer needed to be with me while she was at work and he's riding a bus to school this year, so I don't have him weekdays either. He comes on Saturdays for our time together and on Sunday mornings to mow. The rest of the time I'm at work or at home alone. This is the first time I'm ever been almost completely alone in my own home. At first, it was discomforting. But, I notice that having the whole house to myself is usually a blessing. For the first time ever, I am completely free to do what I want to do without responsibilities except for me and my cats. I seldom put on the TV or listen to music. I seldom pick up a phone or a book.
I am generally quite content to simply be in the space that is mine for now. It is peaceful. It is renewing. It is healing. On occasion, I do feel lonely, but I notice that those feelings don't linger. I don't know why that's true. It just is. I think my HP is preparing me for a new work and much solitude is required. Maybe your HP is also preparing you for something in the quiet peace of your own home, too?
