After horrible arguing i am now ordering her sherry...?!! - Al-Anon Family Group

qwerty49 · Veteran Member

After horrible arguing i am now ordering her sherry...?!!

rehprof · ~*Service Worker*~

uh...you bought her alcohol? um...well...and YOU are on the sofa-bed? hmmm....

i'd say get thee to an alanon meeting?

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

It just sounds like a relationship with little to no boundaries. Doesn't make you a bad person. It's going to take practice and a lot of alanon.

deacon · Senior Member

"I've said all along that after the holiday my boundaries will start properly and i will focus on me, and work on dealing with my own problems"

I guess I am just wondering if you have made other time resolutions and then broken them. You probably don't realize how toxic your relationship is with your mom because for you it is the norm. Listen to your friend and get to an alanon meeting for your sake.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

qwerty

You do have great awareness Seeing my part in this entire scene was evident when I took the time to "SEE" You are seeing the dynamics at work and that is a first step.

Meetings, Steps, sharing here, living one day at a time, focused on your needs will assist you in regaining yourself and drawing boundaries on others

Glad you are here.

ParisMemories · Senior Member

Hi Qwerty

I see the start of awareness in your post. You recognize that you need to set boundaries, you recognize that the relationship with your mum is dysfunctional, you recognize your own addiction to the buzz/high/excitement of the chaos in that relationship. My situation is with my husband, but I see a lot of similarities between us. Face to face alanon meetings, literature and talking with my alanon friends and sponsor helped me to first recognize my role in this awful disease and then slowly helped me to start taking action to take care of myself. Hugs to you, and I hope you are able to enjoy your time with your mother.

Paris

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Awareness is important. Now that you know and are willing to and develop some skills that will improve your situation, the most efficient way I found to work the program and have serenity is with a sponsor. Some one will say yes. Boundaries are your friend- that and detachment when it comes from a place of love- working the steps gives perspectives and options for improving how we choose to live each day.

Glad you're here. Keep coming back.
In support.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

OK Gwerty, you put it down in writing "After the holiday my boundaries will start".

We shall see..

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((qwerty)))))....starting stages YAY!! gotta start somewhere and here's yours and we are with you on it; with hope, strength and Experiences of our own and with love. We all know where and how we started also and we are living this again with you...pulling for you from our own experiences. You go girl...HP's running it with you also. I see that you know that this is your addiction...just like hers is drinking. Don't let anything stand in the way between your peace of mind and serenity.

In support.!! Gooooo Qwerty. (((((hugs))))) smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

rehprof wrote:
uh...you bought her alcohol? um...well...and YOU are on the sofa-bed? hmmm....
i'd say get thee to an alanon meeting?

I was thinking the same thing........u bought her alcohol an giving up your bed.........I do believe , also, an alanon meet is in order, AND there are posts here on boundaries....John has a great one some where, but , I know...I have been there .....no boundaries.....but working my program taught me them.......I Urge you to get on the meets and work the steps, slogan practice.....read and practice the literature particularly on boundaries and detachment.........

I just don't know what else to say.......except what rehprof has said.........

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Your mother is coming for a visit, not to come and detox! I see you accepting her as is and want as good of a visit as you can have.

I was thinking if I was addicted to cheesecake, lets say pumpkin cheesecake, no lets say pumpkin chocolate cheesecake with real cream on top!

I planned to come see my daughter, and I get there and she has cheesecake waiting for me. Ok is she trying to kill me, OR is she saying i love you mom, I want you as comfy as possible. I go with the second one.

IF my ex AH was coming to visit and stay, knowing he has to have his vodka or will be scheming the whole time how to get it, I would probably have some here. I don't know.

All I know hon is it is not my job to judge. Want you to have the best time you can! You my dear were very brave to share this on here! lol hugs, debilyn who hopes that is not a tar smell in the air and how come all these feathers are floating around???

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

Someone who is going to drink a bottle of sherry (and maybe more) a day is, I doubt, going to take much heed of 'ground rules'..the two don't make good bedfellows..

maryjane · ~*Service Worker*~

You are doing just fine. Be gentle with yourself. You have an alcoholic in the house. Things are going to be strange....but they would be horrible if she didn't have her sherry. You are looking out for YOU!

We say to take care of yourself....well, in this case, YOU ARE. Can you imagine how horrible your house would be if you didn't take this preventive measure?

You are accepting your mother exactly as she is. You know you are powerless over her. So have a good visit, as good as it can be since she is an alcoholic. (And be glad when it is over.)

So accept how far you have come in AlAnon. And accept how far you have yet to go.

-- Edited by maryjane on Monday 30th of September 2013 02:22:08 PM

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I suspect you have had the awareness for some time. When you are ready to heal, you will. You aren't ready, yet.

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Dear Qwerty

Thank you for your honest share. I encourage you to keep coming back. Attend f2f meetings and work the steps. You will find answers in your own time and in your own way that helps you to learn and grow. We never stop learning and growing if we are open to it.
I find all the shares and replies are important they are what keep us all connected.

In love and support
M

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
I suspect you have had the awareness for some time. When you are ready to heal, you will. You aren't ready, yet.

Yep, I agree.........healing come when we finally accept facts....give in to our powerlessness over anything but us.......and begin working on us........while we detach from the others problems.....that isn't to hurt them, it is to stop letting the life get sucked out of us by one whom we cannot help.......

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Ness wrote:

Someone who is going to drink a bottle of sherry (and maybe more) a day is, I doubt, going to take much heed of 'ground rules'..the two don't make good bedfellows..

Agree, if I am allowing a problem drinker to drink in my house, I would not bother setting any boundaries.....i will only be frustrated.......the recovering me does not allow known problem drinkers to drink in my house...I do not have alcohol in my house b/c I don't want it and the folks who are close enough to me to visit, they either don't drink, or if they do, one I know is a prob. drinker, but if I have none to offer him, he cannot drink......i just don't want any abuse of any substance in my house......that way i can set my boundaries and stand to them.....

qwerty49 · Veteran Member

wow, just read through all the responses. Thank you for all your honesty and support. First i just need to say that although i am an adult, i've never had anyone to talk to about this up until the last couple of years. As a teenager my mum always said she didn't have a problem so i believed her and colluded with her denial for many years. I tried talking to my dad but he just got angry about the slightest thing and there was no one else around for me to talk to. As i got older i tried talking to my cousin but she wasn't interested, because by then my mum had already scapegoated me claiming to be the victim in so many things, conveniently avoiding her responsibility in anything and just complaining about me over & over about what 'I'D' done to 'her'. So my aunty & cousins held and still hold a very negative view of me. I can tell they don't like me, even hate me. For example, i moved to a flat to be closer to mums side of the family and my cousin saw me in the supermarket one day and walked right past me and said 'i'm in a rush' i was so crushed. i couldn't understand it. Non of them talk about real stuff it's all laughs & jokes, drinks, holidays, how things 'look' not how things 'are'. So they always thought it was just me who was the abnormal one always moaning about mum and so have i. It's only coming on here & going to the meetings that i'm starting a whole new process.

I do wonder why i hold on to this relationship. I went to an alanon meeting while my mum was here, which was really good for me. After an argument the night before, i said to her that i was doing my own thing that day, she got upset, threatened to leave, we had some drama, i said i'm not trying to hurt you, we said we'd do our own thing and today i am doing, that afternoon i left to get to a meeting. So i think that was a great self care day for me. I recognized that i was feeling frustrated, upset, let down and quickly took action to get to a meeting.

If i hadn't got the sherry, it would of been a nightmare because she would of been worse on vodka, so i was kinda looking out for me too. (I also sneakily watered it down after she'd had a few, she didn't even notice.) again, for my sake :)

I do want to heal but i don't know how. I'm new to this and i think i've done something great by moving away. To be honest i wish everyone back in manchester would leave me alone, i tried to change my number but they said it will cost me & i can't afford it. 2 months left on my contract & then i can change it. I'm not going to give my mum my new mobile number as we argue through texts, may possibly give her my landline.

I enjoyed the alanon meeting and a lovely lady gave me a lift home. I know i need help, i don't feel happy and find it hard to feel love. I do feel love in those rooms though. It's a large meeting so i did feel very anxious and found it hard to talk much. I got some numbers off the lady that gave me a lift, she said she'd ring me on Thursday just gone but she didn't so i'm feeling a little rejected, having negative thoughts (she doesn't like me, non of them do etc)

Thanks for reading.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for the update qwerty. I am so happy that you found an alanon meeting in yourr new location and attended. Congrts.

There is help and hope in the rooms of alanon. Alanon "Family Group s"represent a healthy family that will support us as we travel this road. Please keep going back

qwerty49 · Veteran Member

oh and also, my mum can be really sweet and bubbly which makes it all harder to deal with and harder to detach from. For example, when i went to alanon she put my college certificate on the wall along with other bits, cleared a couple of boxes in the bathroom, bought me a pair of earrings and just did a couple of other things in the flat and i know she loves me deep down. It would be easier if she was horrid all the time, easier to detach that way. She can be really lovely at times. It's like having a mum that's two people..

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

That describes alcoholism perfectly I saw this as well and choose to love the person and "distrust the disease " You re doing well

qwerty49 · Veteran Member

Thanks Betty

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